Truth.

Something has been happening lately... filling my house. I hear the sounds of tiny feet running across my floors. Shrieking laughter in every room. There are children everywhere...but not just any children. They are Christmas children. You know, the ones filled with contagious anticipation, delight and hundreds of questions about Santa, Jesus, snow and cookies. They want stories, presents, chocolate and warm blankets. I'm loving every minute of it.

As I tucked three extra kids in bed tonight, I couldn't help but think "I can do this...I could be a mom of six." Joy mingled with sorrow stretched across my heart during the holiday, as I tried not to think too deeply about the ones that I've lost. Far too many have shared such pain. True joy is only felt by the hand of God concerning these because His love is the only love that can fill such a deep void.

I've noticed during the last few weeks driving in the car or celebrating with loved ones that there was an undeniable feeling of someone missing. I would even find myself scanning the room, counting little fuzzy heads to make sure all of my little ones were there. They were, so why the empty feeling? Why now after all of these years? My mother in law offered that the feeling was because there are two missing. Speaking so freely of lives lost can be healing but shocking to the heart at the same time. I'm not always ready.

I've been seeking my heart about what my deepest issues are. In reality, I have so much more to pour into the lives of my sons. In reality I would love a house full of children. In reality, I'm tired of others trying to steer me away from adoption. "Too many issues, too much baggage...too much trouble." Not to over-spiritualize things, but we so quickly forget that we too were adopted into the family of God- all with too much baggage, loads of trouble and far too many issues... but this adoption is what saved my life. It made me new. It was everything I ever needed and more. That's what I can give a child. Would it be crazy tough? Yes. Would it be a huge sacrifice? definitely. Would it be stretching? Of course...but it would be so worth it.

---

Putting aside all that others think
My heart yearns for more
My tears are held behind a dam
so easily implored.
my heart pulses with aching love
at the thought of your sweet face
As we dance hand in hand
swirling round' the room in gowns of lace
To brush your hair or spend some time
doing what little girls do
would make my heart come alive each day
 with more deep love for you
so don't lose hope dear heart of mine
I know your aching still
but love desired has come alive
and you can't break loves will.

---

So how would it come about? The art of acquiring more children? Honestly, the thought of bearing more almost terrifies me. I could imagine myself pregnant, but extra stuff- shots, surgeries, c-sections, bed-rest...no. Not again. I was thinking to myself the other day how I was very brave for every child that God blessed me with. It's not that I'm not brave anymore. It's mostly because my stores of strength to employ such bravery have been depleted by the sleepless nights of caring for tender hearts and lives.

 While balancing my boys, I can't see myself going through all of that. Someone is bound to be neglected and I can't do that. I am finally to the point where my middle son, Gideon is getting the attention he needs. He was 10 months old when I found out I was pregnant, He went from being the center of my universe to being handed off to the nearest relative because my days were filled with the happenings of pregnancy. My milk dried up and I could no longer nurse him. My arms were weak to carry him. I needed so much rest and he needed so much of my love. My heart still breaks for him because even in his birth he was ripped away almost immediately from my arms. I held him seconds after his birth, then did not see him or hold him for days. It was the same thing for my oldest. It was at least a month before I held him for the first time. Ethan is the only one who has always been with me and I find already that I'm letting go more and more as he grows to change the world.

This feeling may pass for a while, but I know it will return. It always seems to come alive when I'm around little girls. Yeah, it's not baby fever. It's son joy and daughter fever.

Buy Her Time

Photo Credit: Anthony Green

You see her on the streets.
Adorned in flecks of gold.
Glance into her eyes,
Her story is untold.
How did she come to be,
A woman selling skin?
In it for the money?
Her heart will never win.
She sleeps alone at night,
Her soul is yearning still,
For life to deal her a hand,
That can fit the bill.
She'll change it all one day.
She's worth more than a dime.
If only He would come,
Come along and buy her time.

There is a prostitution ring near my house. You can't miss it. Women walking around barely wearing anything. Lingering customers scouting the streets for the cops. Each precious life screams a different story. When I first witnessed the exchanges of these women, I was a little taken aback. Why so close to my house? Where are the cops? This is unacceptable!

As the weeks went by, my heart began to break. As I would turn the corner to get onto the highway, I would catch a glimpse of their faces. Daughters, mothers, sisters. Beautiful, bruised and searching. Some were confident, while others were hiding in their barely clothed skin. I wanted to help! If there was a way that I could set them free. Show them their worth! Change everything...although some do not want to change. Some think it's normal, but I know the truth. I want to tell them they are worth so much more than what can be found underneath their clothes, or the "favors" they can do. I want to tell them...no scream to them how beautiful they are. How dearly loved they are. How they can dance again. How they can dream again.

This led me to the thought of buying their time. Would there be a safe way that I could buy their time? Tell the cops and set it up. Come in a different car. Lavish them with blessings and take them out to lunch. We'd chat about life. Chat about their kids...talk about their dreams and hear their stories unfold. No judgement. Just love. Is it feasible? If not, I still wouldn't care, because I know of a Savior that will move heaven and earth to show me His great love- no matter how much of a mess I'm in. Everyone deserves this gift.

Now, I can't drive by these precious ones without being in tears. I can't hold it together anymore. My heart is for them, just like God's heart is for them. It's amazing how things change when you get a glimpse of God's heart for someone else. It's life-changing. I wonder what it would be like if I caught a glimpse of God's heart for me. Would I be more intentional? Love better? Try more instead of giving up? Pass less judgement on others? Maybe.

Know this my friend, God is going to use the prostitutes! Jesus loves redeeming the broken. Don't sleep on these beloved ones, because when His love rushes in, it's like a hurricane. I can't wait to see how He makes a beautiful mess of things... and I will be standing on the front lines when He does.

Join me in being intentional about loving well. Ask God to give you His heart for someone you normally wouldn't think about loving this week.

Be fearless!

-Mel

A Beautiful Letdown

There is something about brutal honesty that brings great freedom...even peace. During these last few weeks, I found myself in and out of chaos and far too often wearing such burdens on my shoulders that it was difficult for me to go about my day. I was talking to God in frustration about why I just couldn't seem to leave the burdens that I carried at His feet. Far too often, I've felt the sweet release of unloading all of the heaviness in prayer, but found myself, a few days later, feeling like I'm wearing a rucksack full of boulders.

After a bit of introspection, there were a few things on my heart. I was carrying the weight of the broken relationships of others, disappointments, finances, mistakes, frustrations and self-pity. I didn't realize my stress levels were so high until I found myself grinding my teeth throughout the day. Eek! I was never meant to carry such burdens.

One issue in particular struck a deep chord in my heart. I had quite a few pots in the fire, and am notorious for taking on too much because I love a challenge and I am a starter. I run out of the blocks with so much passion, tackling seemingly impossible feats, yet when obstacles come, I often find myself frozen in my tracks.

One of the "pots" I found myself tending to began to boil over. I began staring at the proverbial pot. I attempted to figure out how I could maneuver it to keep it on the fire. In reality, I needed to turn off the fire. I talked to God about it and He impressed upon my heart that I shouldn't have more than four big things going on in my life at a time. I remember telling Him "Well, what about this (Enter irrational yet worthy task here.) I could totally do five. What about five?" His instruction didn't change. Whenever I have more than five pots on the fire, something boils over. Every time.

One thing that I love about God is that even if we do not heed to His instruction, He still lovingly creates beauty from our mess. The burden that came with the last issue I was facing was rooted in letting someone down. From being perceived as a disappointment if I said "no" to another thing to do. Now, it wasn't just any someone that I would be letting down. It was a "father-type" figure. There was something significant about that.

Now, if I would describe myself, I would not say I am a people pleaser by any means. If I have passion about something, I pursue it. If Jesus moves me to do something crazy, I will do it, even if I look stupid. So what was stopping me now? My fears were rooted in unresolved "Daddy Issues." Such a deep recurring issue for me is to completely heal from my relationship with father figures. I realized that when it comes to deviating from instruction from positive individuals of influence such as these, I clam up and boundary lines become blurred, even if the individual is a stranger.

 I had to take a step back and say "Wait! I don't really know this man from Adam. Why is my decision to take this pot out of the fire keeping me up at night?" Not cool. It was then that I felt very clearly that it was time to release this burden... and I did. Making that decision single-handedly cut the chaos in my life in half. Yes, I am now left out of a previous endeavor, but I have more peace for it. It turned out to be a beautiful letdown because my mind and emotions now had room to breathe. Because of God's great love in revealing the heart issue to me, I could now begin to really deal with it. That's a win win situation my friend.

So, if you've ever been in my shoes, learn this truth with me: You don't have to do too much. The world can wait. Saying "no" does not make you any less valuable. Furthermore, God is an amazing Father and the greatest love you will ever have and need. He desires so deeply to lavish a love upon you that is full, beautiful and life-changing. He gives so much grace for our mistakes...such beauty for ashes. Every. single. time.

Today, lay your burdens down. Let your freedom be beautiful. You were made to thrive in peace with great joy. That is what I am after. Now, I pray for healing in my heart. Now I rejoice because out of this, I have golden opportunity to get to know my heavenly Father so much more. So do you.

Love,

-Mel

You Know Me

I want it. You probably want it too- to be seen. To be known. Personally and Intimately. Unfortunately, so many times we live out our days letting few people "in" to a place where they can get to know us. So many days we don't spend enough time really getting to know ourselves. 

Oh, to be known! How many times has someone observed your life and simply stated some fact about you that is a part of your likes, character or DNA? I know I have. All I can say when this happens is "Hey! You know me!" I can't tell you how much being known warms my heart. I spent far too many years of my life being misunderstood by those around me. There was a time when I didn't know how to maneuver through being fully myself while keeping my heart open long enough to let others in. That was a lonely and confusing place to be. 

I was sitting in my office this evening, and my heart was heavy. There were innumerable things on my mind. Burdens on my shoulders that I wasn't meant to carry. I was ready to dismiss myself into a closet and unleash my feelings on canvas when my husband began to linger around. He doesn't usually do this, and it was way past his bedtime. His mannerisms offered that I take on his pace. He bought us matching hoodies. He gave me his strawberry shake to try. He got a dry erase marker and urged me to join him in writing down our dreams and goals. He embraced me and just let me take him in. His love talked down my walls and completely disarmed the chaos I was feeling inside. Now I felt free to write, free to rest and free to think. His actions proved that he knew me. He knew just what my heart needed and met me where I was. Amazing. 

How much more does the Father know us? The One who created us with His hands. The One who breathed life into our lungs. The one who ordained our very days before they came to be. Such intentionality. Such great love. This "knowing" trumps all of our fears because we are safe in His arms. This "knowing" gives us a safe place to rest in the chaos of life because in His care we can be confident that every single need we have will be supplied. What great love. Nothing is hidden from His sight. Beautiful. Unconditional love lavished upon us even though He knows the most intimate details of our lives. 

If you feel misunderstood, alone or ignored know that God knows you! He hears every unspoken prayer, adores every facet of who you are and will always choose you. Remember that truth this week. Let His love change everything.

Love,

-Mel

Seasons Change Everything

As soon as the first leaf heralding autumn falls to the ground, you know that change is coming. The hues of the sunset become more vibrant, and days are filled with steaming mugs of happiness, football games and fireside chats. You can hear the crunching of the leaves underneath your feet... and the skies remind you of the signs that winter will soon arrive. You see the signs.

 Hmm... In your life when great change happens, do you see the signs? Are you able to feel the great anticipation of something new breaking over your life? Today, I was in a bible study and had a epiphany. It was sparked by recent events that have brought great change. I feel like my dreams are coming to life. I feel like I am being re-made into the woman that I have always wanted to be. The past me would have cringed within my skin and hidden herself amidst the piles of clothes in the laundry room or meaningless projects around the house. Not the new me. The new me realizes that I can never go back to that place, because there is nothing to go back to. 

Change is here and it is bringing every shade of beautiful joy I could ever imagine... but back to the question at hand- Did I see the signs? Yes I did, but I don't know if I fully believed them. I was in a place of desperation. I was thirsty for change. Here is what happened:

 Months ago, I was in a church service and Shawn Bolz, the Senior Pastor of Expression58 in Los Angeles, began to speak prophetically over me. He spoke of destiny, of promises fulfilled and of great change. The changes that he spoke of were so great, that in my state of chaos, I could not see myself walking out any of the words that were spoken during that particular season of my life. I wanted to do so, so badly, but I just wasn't ready. 

Back to the epiphany. Today I realized this: The thing about prophecy is that there is usually a place that God needs to take you through to get there. That is why such words of promise can mean so much to the human heart. It is because when we get the Word, it is the heralding of healing that is coming! There is great hope spoken to the broken heart in this, because that heart knows it will not stay as it has always been! It will be made new. Prophecy is a promise that we are getting an upgrade! I can't tell you enough how much I've needed one. I've lived sick and un-motivated, full of sorrow, exhausted with a poor outlook on life and an incorrect view of God for many, many years. 

What joy it brings to my heart to know that I will never go back to that place! I couldn't ask for a better gift. You know what, it doesn't end there. With every season that I traverse through, I will be given more strength and wisdom to move forward. The same is true for you! This is such great news for all of us. 

If you been wallowing in "sameness" for many seasons like I had been, know it will not last forever. God loves you too dearly to let you stay the same way. There may be a bit of death that comes with the changing of the seasons.  Old pieces of you that were no good, may fall away to the ground and get crushed underfoot like felled leaves, but know this-In such death, you are given new life. Rejoice in that truth my friend! Let's celebrate seasons of change today. 

Love,

-Mel

 

Beautiful Bravery

No one can pick and choose what hand they are dealt. Some are blessed with riches. Some live in environments of emotional poverty. Some can easily reach for the stars, while others feel like they are shouting aimlessly at the skies. Each journey is significant. Each journey takes bravery.

It takes great bravery to wake up in the morning when you're drudging through a bout of depression. It takes bravery to try again for a promised child when you've experienced great loss-knowing you just have to try again even if that means possibly losing another. It takes bravery to love when you know it may never be reciprocated. It takes bravery to lay down shattered dreams for hope, sorrow for joy or a broken outlook for a more healthy one. 

I got some unfavorable news about my body from a doctor this week. My mind didn't seem surprised, but my heart was grasping for a place to rest. A bit of emotional paralysis ensued. The difficulty for me was that there was nothing that I did to make this issue happen. I eat well, I exercise, but truly I think I've dealt with the ailment off and on since childhood. It was just never properly diagnosed. Miracles and the providence of God hid its symptoms. I didn't really know how to feel, or what to think. My heart didn't feel strong or bold. I didn't really feel brave. I needed heavenly direction.

I went to a meeting and a dear friend came along. I was probably wearing my bewilderment on my face and my heart was not ready to be engaged in the presentation. I was on the edge of tears, barely holding it together as I scanned the room, politely nodding to strangers... Grasping for someone to listen. Moments before the meeting began, I whispered in my friend's ear what was going on. Immediately she began to speak words of life to me. She spoke directly to the issues of my heart. Everything around me faded away and the beauty of truth was all that I could see. I began to feel tangible strength in my spirit and heart. My mind began to change, shifting to a positive and realistic place of hope. I was reminded of the Father's love for me. I was reminded that I had the authority to change everything. To rise instead of fall. To tenaciously demand change from myself and my surroundings. To make tragedy bend to the will of God and to my irrevocable promise as His daughter. 

 In choosing how to direct your resolve, it is difficult to stand when you feel like Big Fat Life is sitting squarely on your chest. In the face of issues like these what are your options? You can choose to let waves of self-pity and defeat crash over you and let a victim mentality sweep you away into the uncharted waters of a worse diagnosis and unfulfilled dreams... Or, you can choose to rise up in strength, promise and hope, see the reality of the situation and fight to change it. I don't have to tell you what the better choice is. Your heart already knows. Even when you feel like you're just going through the motions, keep moving forward in speaking life over your situation and the resolve that you need will eventually take over. 

So, today I choose to be brave. I choose to overcome. I choose to be still and know that He will make everything work for my good. I choose to believe the truth that says:

"Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good." -Romans 8:28 MSG

Today, if you feel like you've been up against an army of woes, remember this my friend: You are beautifully brave! You will make it through if you set your heart on the truth that ALL things can work together for your good. Remember what God says and take hold of every promise that is yours. You deserve everything He has for you.

Love,

-Mel

Letters to God: Part Two

Dear Savior,

Did you know that you are my dream? I want to be consistently like you. I love how when I stray away from the ideals of your heart,  you always go out of your way to show me what really matters. I am overwhelmed when I think about how patient you are with me. I make so many mistakes but your love for me doesn't change. Thank you for loving me enough to encounter my world. Thank you for changing everything. There is no better place I could be than with you. The more I am aware of your presence, the richer I feel. You are my treasure. I am eternally yours.

Love,

Mel

Letters to God: Part One

Hello friends! This post is the beginning of a four part series called "Letters to God."  I often desire to get away and have a little "Jesus time," but there are so many diapers to change, meetings to attend and dishes to wash, that in the busyness of life, quiet time can unfortunately become an afterthought.

For those who have taken the time to connect your heart to heaven, it is easy to find that there is a wellspring of strength in those moments that can set your heart and mind in the best place that it could be to begin your day.

The content of these posts will be simple. Just a letter to God as I drink my tea and the kids are watching Mickey Mouse in the living room. I am attempting to prove to myself that quiet times can be done with kids:-) I just took the time and I was immediately overwhelmed with His presence and love. I am too old to have excuses anymore, and the cost of omitting such moments is too great when I am raising warriors.

I would like to challenge you to do the same. In the midst of your day, take 3-5 minutes to write a honest letter to God- even if you have to do it while hiding in the bathroom:-) Here we go!

 Dear Daddy:

When I put to bed my striving and it's just me and you, I come face to face with my destiny-to be captured by your heart and hidden in the beauty of your grace. Held within your deep regard for me. Oh, how I can so easily miss the most important things in the hustle of life, but with a single moment, your love comes flooding in and I find everything that I need. Everything that I've been hungry for. My worries and issues become insignificant in the beauty of your love. My shortcomings disappear because I'm perfect in your eyes. Oh, if I could just live in the strength of these moments everyday! Just place everything that I carry at your beloved feet, then I would truly fly. Thank you dear Father for showing me that I  have purpose. That my life has meaning and that I am and eternally will be the object of your affection. Thank you for making me come alive and for washing away all that makes me feel guilty, dirty and worthless. You are everything I need. Your heart and character is what I desire to become. You. are. everything. 

I love you dearly,

Mel

 

 

 

Turn the Fire Up

You can always tell what someone is made of when they go through the fire. Some come out stronger. Some find that their resolve was as fragile as the chaff that they've become.

Some of the most painful and most difficult fires we encounter are those involving loved ones. Petty arguments, easy mistakes. They happen all the time. Their wake can easily leave us paralyzed in the decision of what to do next. Do we fall apart or do we fight? Do we run away or do we stay? Do we face tough conversations head on or do we build walls? It all depends on what you're made of. 

Today, the heat got turned up a little bit in my house. I woke up like a zombie- barely got a wink of sleep with a teething seven month old. The hubby wakes up peppy, peaceful and gorgeous. He makes breakfast and is ready to go to church. The kids are at the table. I put the baby in the high chair and  start feeding him in the midst shoving fistfulls of eggs in my mouth. No shower, wearing dirty clothes, no make up. Worn out, and functioning on little brain power. Here comes the heat. 

My husband  makes a comment about how he needs to lose weight- he has a very athletic build and desires to cut his body fat percentage down so his muscles can be more defined. I get that. My mind becomes overwhelmed with ways to respond- mostly centering around the "Are you freakin' serious dude?! You don't need to lose no weight!" Mind you- the brain's not all there yet. How do I respond? Pull up my shirt and motion to my recently stretched mom tummy, roll my eyes and pretend to flip the table over. Now, this is a gesture that my husband and I do often when we think something is ridiculous...but I forgot that the legs of the table need to be tightened. My pretend flip sent my husband's hot tea pouring all over his lap. Now the Fire is on. 

My brain sobers up real quick and I sheepishly cover my mouth with my hands, profusely  apologizing as he storms away to clean up the mess on his clothes. He mumbles something with the word "stupid" under his breath. I sit there with the kids who were watching the whole thing. I look at their stunned faces and say "Mommy didn't mean to do that. I'm so sorry." The oldest one tells me I'm in big trouble and that I need to clean up this mess.  As I rise to right this wrong, the thoughts come flooding in. More desperate than usual. I could tell I was burnt out. They sounded something like this: "I wish I could just run away...to the ocean...by myself...maybe forever. I need a vacation." 

I wipe up the tea and see my kids faces again. In steps the voice of shame. "I'm such a bad example. What the heck was I thinking?" ..."Wait, did he call me stupid? "Doesn't he know my love language is words of affirmation?" My hearts starts tearing apart. I cross the counter and in enters desperation. My eye catches a knife laying still on the laminate. I imagine where it could take me. I could never go there...right? I walk to the laundry room, close the door, and bury my head in the clothes on top a shelf. I let the tears soak the linens. It was time to bring it back to reality. 

I thought about how my husband was feeling. Anger came. We're his precious clothes more important than me? Can't he see how exhausted I am? Does he even care? Softening, I wonder: Have I broken his heart from my mistake? Does he have grace for me? I whispered a prayer to God "Lord, please help me to remedy this. I made a big mess." I was exhausted. I needed the courage to move forward. I hear my husband come out of the bedroom. Clothes changed, calm and beautiful. Carrying peace. In the waiting, you can feel the tension. In my fear of rejection, I quickly started to build walls around my heart. "He can just go to church without me. I'm not ready anyway..." Then I thought "No!" If I stay home, then there is no victory. There is no remedy. There are only walls. I can't have that."

 I thought I was doing nursery, so we agreed on driving separate cars. I felt more separation in my heart. We said our goodbyes, and in the embrace, the fire was over. The walls immediately crumbled to the ground. I said It was truly an accident. He said that he put himself in my shoes. He knew I was exhausted. We apologized for words spoken and deeds done. With a kiss, all was right in the world and I didn't want to leave his side. I later came home to dinner done, flowers on the table and kombucha in the fridge. That's a love worth fighting for. 

James 1:2-4 says:

"Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don’t try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way."

The fire gave me a glimpse of my heart today. Yes, there are some things exposed that will one day become forgotten chaff. I will conquer them one counseling session with Jesus at a time. Until then, I make the resolution, that through every fire, I choose to be victorious. I will feel the heat. Through every moment of desperation, I must bring it back to the Love of the Father who enables me to stand. You can too. 

Love you,

-Mel

Unplugged Worship Time:-)

Hey friends! In the midst of blog posts, I wanted to bring things back to the strength that comes from quiet time with Jesus. Here is a worship video for you. Sing along, or just play it while you go about the happenings of your day. Love you!

-Mel

His Heart, Your heart

I've heard people say that the key to finding your calling, is to discover the thing that moves your heart and run with it. I know that there are many roles that we play, and our passions have a tendency to change depending on what season of life we may be in.

With so many things to be passionate about nowadays, it can be easy to lose sight of who we really are in the flurries of social media and hectic schedules. In the search to discover the true depths of one's calling, elusive results may only be found. Personally, I believe we will ultimately discover what we were made for, when we grasp the passion and heart of God.

I was out running errands today and saw something that struck me so deeply, I was overwhelmingly moved to tears. As I turned the corner near a popular highway that led home,  I saw a teenage girl walking with a friend. I first noticed her because she was dressed a little too provocatively for my liking. I began making a "kids these days" judgement in my head, when something stopped me in my tracks. What struck me was the precious cargo she was carrying in a harness across her body. A sweet little baby, that couldn't have been more than a few weeks old was swaying gently as its mama walked across an abandoned lot to the Seven Eleven.

Immediately my heart broke for her. I began to call out to God, declaring angels to protect them. I wondered if they had everything that they needed. Did she need a car-seat? A stroller? Money? Someone to lean on to learn about being a loving mom? I almost jumped out of the car and I realized that she may very well be doing an excellent job at taking care of the baby... that many of my questions were sparked by the judgement that I created upon viewing what she was wearing. I assumed that her heart and life would be more focused on getting the attention of boys than taking care a child. I had no proof of this. I had envisioned the baby crying alone with no one to console her in the corner of a room. I envisioned all of the children around the world that were without arms to hold them tonight. I was doing a bit too much.

My irrational fears may not have been merited at all. I started to wonder: Did anyone ever teach this young girl to dress? How to be a mother? Did she even have a female figure in her life?

It was then that I was reminded of my calling. I was created to mentor girls. Whatever state they come onto my path, I want them to know that they are loved, strong and beautiful. I want them to know that they can achieve anything. That they were not a mistake. That they will make indelible marks on the world. That no matter what they do, or what they have done, they are so very precious and so dearly loved.

I can't believe I had so badly lost touch of this passion-one that previously drove the vocational endeavors of at least six years of my life. The reality of it all broke my heart. It was then that the Holy Spirit began to speak louder into my ears. He told me that it's okay. That there are seasons for everything and this one would soon be coming back around. He reminded my heart that in choosing this path, not every story will have a happy ending. That on this journey, I will be pressed to erase personal boundaries, stay up late many nights and will need to give the precious lives that I encounter over to God on a daily basis.

I am willing to risk it all to love. It's what I was made for. Maybe this purpose was one reason why God gave me all boys- to keep my desire for daughters always alive in my heart.

Even now, I'm thinking about that girl and her baby. How I want to be there if she needs me or not. This is my passion. This is my calling. It is also the heart of God. To Love with everything that I am-even if it's messy. In the end, lives will be changed. Hearts will be healed. Destinies will come into view and passions will be realized.

What is your calling friend? What is the purpose that is inscribed upon your soul? What moves the heart of God? I encourage you to discover the answer to these questions and run with it. Don't waste any more time chasing the wind...for you too, were made for this:-)

Love,

-Mel

Come Alive

What makes you come alive? I mean truly feel alive? Is it the feeling of sand between your toes as the vast and mysterious ocean crashes upon the shore just beyond your reach? Do you feel alive laying on the cool grass in silence as you watch the stars dance in the skies? Does your heart rejoice when you hear the pure joy in the laugher of children as they run from you in an impromptu game of hide and seek? Does your heart skip a beat upon hearing the forlorn melodies of a symphony as the marriage of sweet notes crash upon your soul, moving you to tears? Or is it upon hearing the indescribable and unmistakable voice of God in your dealings that surrounds your heart like a blanket knit with threads of security and peace?

We go far too long without moments like these. As a child, when I would feel overwhelmed I would just run away. I'd run to the forest where no one would find me. I didn't have a cell phone and I didn't care. I would take off my shoes and run off the beaten path. I would chase the songs of birds, dance in the rain, wade into peaceful lakes, climb the tallest trees and find so much peace that I vowed in my heart never to return home again. Those were the moments that I felt truly alive. 

I don't always have the luxuries of significant moments of rest that I once had. Peace is sometimes elusive and equated to sitting alone a little longer in the car to sing along to a favorite song, or stopping to smell the candles at Target letting the fragrances take me away. I constantly crave the ocean, constantly crave more peace, yet I make few attempts to just get away. So few that when I finally do, I'm so numb to life that I have a hard time unwinding enough to enjoy them. 

It's time for us to come alive again. To make moments of peace and joy common practices in our lives.  The frigid winds of winter are on their way and they beckon your heart to remember the seasons. To seek out the changing of the leaves. To become aware of the fleeting seasons of your own life and the ebbs and flows that they bring. It's time to make them count! It's time to give yourself permission to seek joy and to share that joy with others. It's time to unwind your heart and truly forgive those with whom you have been estranged. To forgive yourself. To cultivate true love again. To dance. To dream again. To pick up that paintbrush. To put down excuses. 

I encourage you this week to find what moves you. Focus on that passion at least once this week. Remember who you truly are, or get to know yourself for the first time. Don't be afraid. Come Alive.

Love,

-Melody

A Change of Pace

Let's pretend for a second that life is a rat race...or maybe it's like being on a rowing team. Instead of the Coxswain yelling row in the megaphone, they are yelling "Strive! Strive!..." My goodness, this is how I feel at least 75% of the time. How I want so bad to dwell in the unforced rhythms of grace all day-100% of the time!

I was in the bathroom a few nights ago, trying to figure out my hair. I had this elaborate design planned in my head, but I was subtly racing the clock to have it done before my husband got home. I would begin a row of twisting my hair..."Strive! Strive!" Was all I could hear in my head...leading to epic hair failure. I undid my work. Began another row. "Strive! Strive!" ...epic fail. It looked so bad, I decided to change my hairstyle altogether. 

All the while, I'm thinking about what I'm going to wear at church the next day. Thinking about how I regret unfinished business plans. Thinking about how I still haven't cleaned the kitchen, finished the laundry, painted the boys bedroom, swept the dining room floor, or done my nails. Oh, my poor nails. I haven't given them proper attention in years, partially because of the incessant "Strive! Strive!" chant I've been coasting along to. The weight of it never really affords me the opportunity to get anything worthwhile done.

I remember once, I was spending time in prayer and I felt like God was tugging on my heart to change my pace. To stop striving all of the time. How do you stop when you've been moving at breakneck speeds for most of your life? Doing many things, but few things well? Just getting by and running on empty far too often. Bouncing from one task to another- to complete anything just to have even the slightest feeling of accomplishment. 

 Sometimes our peers can be the greatest teachers. For a while now, I have been noticing the life of my sister in law, Donna. She is a ballroom dance instructor, so she kind of glides when she walks, moves gently and deliberately- even when she endearingly punches my husband, (as his older sister) there is a certain grace to it. :-)

 One thing I love about her is that she is rarely in a rush. She allots more than enough time to get ready in the morning. She actually tastes her food when she eats. She sits at the end of the day with a glass of wine in her hand, lets herself unwind and begins discussing the happenings of her day. In contrast, most days I hop out of bed to the sound of my kids yelling for me to come and get them from the bottom of their bedroom door, maybe take a 5 minute shower and sometimes brush my teeth. I grab the boys, throw breakfast together, break up a fight over toy cars, let the crazy dogs outside, maybe even eat my eggs straight from the pan to fill my stomach before the baby wakes up and starts to cry to be nursed. You know, the life of a mom with young children. 

I was considering that maybe things don't have to be this way. I don't really have to strive and stress in the happenings of my day. Sometimes I get it right. Sometimes, I wake up early. Sit outside by the water and listen to the birds chirping with a steaming cup of tea- do a small devotional and get grounded to begin my day. Days like those are so much better overall because I start the day with intentionality. I want to begin every day this way. I need to. Not only for the sake of not losing my mind, but for the sake of hearing the voice of God.

If I'm moving so fast, I lose the beauty of the stillness that I find Him whispering to me about His great love for me and for my children. I miss Him cheering me on as a mother and wife when I feel like I'm doing a thankless job. I miss God's reminders of love written across the skies as I walk with the boys to the park in the morning. I miss what is far too valuable to ignore. I can't afford to do that anymore. 

Ecclesiastes 3:12-13 says:12 I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. 13 That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God. 

So today, I will be intentional. I will taste my food. Even though I have many unfinished tasks to be done-many of which could easily overwhelm my heart with feelings of shame, I choose to reject striving in my dealings. I choose to believe that the goal of my life is far more than just to accomplish things. The goal is to enjoy the journey. To really know the love and heart of God. To really get to know and love myself. Out of these places will flow great beauty that will allow me to bless my world and the people in it. No more striving. Just grace.

 I challenge you to do the same. Be intentional today. Rest. Love well. Find delight in the works of your hands and throw striving out of the window. Bask in the love of Jesus. You can do it! I believe in you. 

Love,

-Mel

Get in the Water

We live in a world of so many aspirational lifestyles and inspirational people. A belief that we do not add up to what we wish we were, can lead to feelings of failure.  We look at where others are at our age, we remind ourselves of what we could be doing with our lives.

Through it all, we must never forget that we are inspirational too! If not to others, what about to ourselves?
Look where you've come from! You're still standing! Re-read your story. You are where you are today because you didn't give up! You are NOT wasted space. You have NOT wasted time. You poured your life into what truly matters and have reaped the benefits. Celebrate you.
(I am definitely encouraging myself right now.)

A few weeks ago I was dealing with some issues surrounding failure. I did a video blog about it. I've been feeling the weight of failure again this week and I wanted to share my journey with you. In the midst of dealing with failure, we must never forget to keep living, thriving and trying. Don't give up. You deserve to live out your dreams. Don't just stand on the shore. Get in the water!

CHECK OUT THE VIDEO BELOW:

-Mel

Oops, I did it again!

It has definitely been a week of far too many mistakes for me. Most of the mistakes have centered around my bad attitude. This week I found myself painfully regretting my words, screaming obscenities at the bathroom ceiling, not desiring to be around people in general...feeling like everyone is judging me...

The culprit? Well, there has been an issue festering in my mind for the past few months and it has been getting worse. An issue of white carpet. I know it sounds petty, but you'll soon see what I mean. 

One of things that makes me happier than anything, is having a clean floor that my kids can play on. The floors become wrestling mats, movie seats, places for sleepovers and impromptu picnics. A place where my littlest guy, Ethan, will soon learn to crawl... but in our house, there is a problem. 

You see, when we bought this wonderful house back in March, upon viewing it, my nose was immediately struck with the pungent odor of cat urine. Since we moved in, I've found myself on hands and knees scrubbing pockets of feces from previous occupants that I've discovered on the berber, and treating potty accidents that I can't quite seem to get out. It's been a constant battle that I've been losing. 

To add insult to injury, we recently added a new member to our family. His name is Cashew and he's a Chihuahua. Born with the providential "deer" head shape, instead of the usual bubble eyes and unsightly underbite most breeds have, he quickly stole everyone's heart. Everyone but mine...well partially...Why, because he pees and poops everywhere! I'm slowly working on potty training him, but he makes far too many mistakes in the house. 5+ a week! Can you imagine how things are starting to smell in here? Like a freakin' toilet. 

Ok. I digress. Back to the issue of mistakes. The dog has been making mistakes and so have I. Not on the carpet of course...in my attitude. In my character. Unfortunately, bad religion has left an indelible mark on my psyche, and this week, I've subconsciously employed the view that God will not bless me or draw near to me because of my dumb mistakes regarding my attitude. I can't think of a better lie to believe.  Even in my quiet time, as I breathed prayers to my Savior, I found myself subtly believing that I'd been just too bad for Him to answer the ones that were closest to my heart. I was believing lies. To remind me of His great love, guess what He did? Let me tell ya.

On Wednesday I was making dinner and was so angry about how disgusting the floors were- covered in the gamut of dog vomit, poo and urine with a slight smell of cat pee to tie it all together. As I'm trying to get over it, I catch sweet little Cashew eating poop out of a diaper he retrieved from the trash. That's when I HAD it. I stormed out of the kitchen to my prayer closet and just cried to Jesus, about everything- basically had an adult tantrum. This isn't how I planned my home to be! If it isn't orderly, can it at least be sanitary?! I remember specifically telling God that I would love new vinyl floors to fill the house at the cost of $250. I felt better. Got food on the table. Put the kids to bed without incident. Kinda forgot about it.

Last night I finally decided to end my pity party and dominate the white carpets.  I wouldn't be a victim any longer! I would shampoo them everyday if I had to...starting tomorrow. Well, I happened to jump on Craigslist before bed and what did I see? An ad for Vinyl flooring in 5 colors for 25 cents a square foot. There was a minimum of 1000 sq. feet to purchase to get the deal. What does that come out to? $250! Woo hoo! I am so overjoyed at this prayer answered. Seriously guys, believe me when I tell you this truly reminded me of God's love. 

So, no matter how far how bad you feel you've been this week, or how petty you think your prayers are, there is so much love and grace for you. God loves you no matter what and He will make sure you know it, even if you've had a crappy attitude. 

I grabbed samples of the flooring this afternoon. I'm picking up the lot in the morning. Hallelujah! So happy! Rant over. 

Have a great weekend! :-)

-Mel

Touch and Go

Let’s be honest for a second.
There are some things in your life that aren’t easy for me to talk to you about.
Like the way you pretend you weren’t crying when you walk into the room.
Like the way you’re addicted to the spotlight, and use sarcasm as a defense mechanism to keep people away.
Like the way it seems like you’re cheating on your husband when you hug that other guy at work.
Like the way you hate to be alone with your thoughts, so you fill up your time with worthy causes so that you don’t have to look at yourself in the mirror.
Like the way you feel like you’re swallowed into a chasm every time he tells you he looked at porn again and you act like it’s not ripping your heart into pieces.
Like how you want to scream when you see those bruises on her arms-she always says it was an accident.
Like how you wish you could say you didn’t understand how she felt being secure in another woman’s arms instead of a man's, but you do.
Like how I wish I could say I've never felt like throwing up every single piece of that chocolate cake out of fear that I’d gain another pound, but I can’t.
Like how I want to hold you and cry with you because I know you’re hiding another tragic loss of a baby behind that fragile smile.
Like how I wish I can say that the struggles of cutting, rage, stretching the truth, drinking yourself to sleep or taking pills to treat a condition you don't have anymore aren’t common, but they are. You’re not alone. We’ve been there before. Life’s like that. Sometimes, It’s touch and go. 

I was at the park today, and my oldest son decided to invite a stranger to our picnic. She obliged. For the sake of this story, let’s call her “B.” Maybe it was her piercing blue eyes and warm smile that compelled me to hand her a nectarine and invite her to join us…or maybe in was the persistent kindness of my son. Whatever the reason, I soon found myself deep in conversation.

We began chatting about the joys of having children and she commented about how happy and carefree mine were. I was freaking out inside because I didn't know her from Adam, and she was so close to my kids- still I didn't really feel the need to ask her to go away. Instead, I engaged her. She said she had a daughter. I wondered where she was. Soon our conversation evolved from kids to her appointed rendezvous with a young man who had cheated on her. She only found out because the woman in question sent her a text to tell her to “stay away from her man.”

We exchanged a few “Oh no he didn’t!” moments, but I couldn’t help but think “If we feel the same way about the actions of this guy- that he is probably living the life of a dirt bag, then why are you meeting him here?” As she recounted her story, her eyes almost pleaded with me-seemingly asking me to make her consider walking away…but I said nothing… and still she waited for him. I don’t think he ever came.

Have you even witnessed something painful in the life of friends or even strangers that isn’t easy to talk about? Have you ever been the one with the “issue” your friends and neighbors were whispering about? "Touch and Go" situations happen all of the time, but how do we find ourselves there? Unchecked emotions? Trauma or tragedy? Bad decisions? Let's talk about it.

There have been many times in my life where I was the one that needed intervention. Under the surface, of “Mel” was a minefield. One of the things about me is that I can hide things well to the world, but I verbally and emotionally vomit all over those in my close circles when I am not at my best. When I find myself lashing out at my kids, short with my husband, boycotting cooking dinner, aloof in the corner writing songs and scribbling black randomness onto canvas- you know, doing the whole sackcloth and ashes thing…I need to check my heart. A little rainstorm in my heart can turn into a hurricane if left unchecked. 

I am a huge advocate for counseling and emotional healing through therapy. I went to many counselors and therapists over the years and they have been instrumental in helping me define just what my heart needs. One counselor in particular spoke of the reality that certain interactions in my life can subconsciously trigger inner turmoil inside of me when I have not healed from experiences. He called it “Shaking my Snow Globe.” I hate it when something shakes up my snow globe! Triggers can be tough situations that I cannot control, critical words from others, uncomfortable interactions with strangers, or seeing others in pain. One of my biggest triggers is watching people that I love make bad decisions. That eats me alive.

When my snow globe is shaken, I find myself acting crazy. What cures me is a little quiet time alone with God. I pour out my heart and get honest about how I’m feeling and what was the cause. When it comes to heart wounds, it's crazy how something so minuscule can set me off. I remember one week I was pissed for like three days.  When I finally sat down to figure things out,  the melt down was over my analysis of the life of a musician I respected, after I watched her character embody an unspoken fear that I had in a music video. Eek! That's why I don't watch TV.

Through trial and error, I’ve learned that I need to overcome feeling frozen within myself and initiate routine heart checks. I need to be emotionally healthy for my family and for myself. It’s an actively challenging process, but in time, initiating healing becomes commonplace. I can't afford to melt down for days if my "snow globe" is shaken. 

I don’t want to waste any of my life going through a metaphorical desert. I want to thrive. I want to heal to so that I can be at my best and do what I was made for, even if the process of healing sucks. You deserve the same.

You were made to function at your best. You were made to live without heart wounds. You were made to find joy in your life and to bring joy to others just by being you. The journey to healing may be rough, but it’s always worth it. 

If you find yourself in a “Touch and Go” situation today, love there is hope for you. Believe me, I’ve been in many of them and I am the worst! If I can make it out alive, so can you. 

Matthew 11:28-30 says: 

“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.”

These aren’t just nice words. These words are truth. I’ve lived them out and I’m feeling the grace and peace I’ve always wanted, needed and prayed for. You deserve the same. Lay those burdens down love. It’s time. Write me if you wanna talk about it. 

Love,

-Mel

The Greatest Thing

Yesterday evening, our refrigerator died for a few hours. I was in the kitchen preparing a drink for my little one, when I noticed something strange. I could actually smell the food in the refrigerator. It's crazy that I didn't notice it before. You don't usually smell the food unless it's getting warm, but I didn't think about that. I didn't really think about anything, but to grab the butter and cheese. The butter was soft. So was the cheese. 

All I thought of while cooking was "Man, these grilled cheese sandwiches are cooking fast!" That made me happy, as I  often cheat when I make grilled cheese.  I just melt the cheese in the microwave and brown the bread in the toaster. Perfection isn't that important to me when my kids have rumbling tummies. I'd rather show them love by providing for their needs sooner that later, because I know what it feels like to be hungry.

I found myself in the kitchen- sippy cup in my hand, when I finally put two and two together. You see, I'm the kind of person that doesn't really anticipate things going wrong, so when they do, it's news to me. I decided to poke a milk carton in the freezer just to be sure that this was actually happening. Yep, the milk was almost completely thawed out. I yelled toward the living room to my husband who was working hard on homework. "Jon, I think we're going to need a new refrigerator pretty soon." Now, half of me was overjoyed because that loud thing stole so much peace when the kids were asleep. It was louder than the sound of the dogs snoring in the living room. I couldn't stand it. I wasn't thinking about how much the refrigerator was going to cost, or the stress that it was already causing my husband to hear those words. I was thinking about how quiet it would be when the thing was finally gone and I knew that God would provide for us no matter what, because of His great love. 

There was a point in time where my husband and I shared a brief conversation about resources. We had seen God provide before and we knew that He would, but something inside of both of us wanted to revert to a "freakout cause this is reality" mode- to a time where we didn't have anything. This was a time where we only had have enough money for rent, bus fare, a few bananas and a loaf of bread (that we purchased with pennies) . A time where we were in poverty and so dependent on God to provide for every simple sustenance that we needed to survive. 

We thought about getting a military hardship loan to pay for the refrigerator flat out and then we would slowly repay it as funds would be deducted from Jon's paycheck until the amount was paid in full. It seemed like a good idea at the time... until I was washing dishes and was reminded that although Jon wasn't working an additional job, this was the first time in months, maybe years, that we didn't have to tap into our savings. We actually had money left over! I kind of stood in awe of the provisions of God and remembered how He had miraculously provided in the last few months since my husband had stopped his personal training business. 

The first month, we received an anonymous check from our bank for over $1600 because they realized they were not providing the best service that they could have regarding our account. It was exactly what we needed to make ends meet. The next month, Jon received a raise and clothing allowance from the military. It was exactly what we needed. This month, I knew we would be short on grocery money. I have a family consisting of a very hungry husband and three growing boys. One day online I randomly decided to enter a contest to win some naturally raised chicken, and I won! I never win anything! I was blown away. I was just thinking that the money that I would be short on this month would have been the money I would have used to buy meat for dinner. It was exactly what I needed. It was my manna. God provided exactly what I needed, every single time. 

So, while I'm washing dishes, I just feel that we were supposed to take the abundance that we had and the resources that we'd been given to purchase a new refrigerator. This would be a step to solidifying the end of a poverty mentality in us. If we would go backwards, we would step right back into it. Anyone who knows the despair of not having, knows how difficult it is to walk forward in confidence when you are on the other side on having little. This difficulty is usually from the fear that abundance will be taken away. It's funny because the next day when Jon came home from work, I told him what I felt, and he that he felt the exact same thing. He was going to ask for a handout and was stopped in his tracks. 

It's so crazy how we traverse from one season to the next. It feels so foreign sometimes. It even feels painful sometimes. We have to leave the unfamiliar because God is calling us to something better. He is calling us to step out onto the water. To overcome the fear that we may sink. To trust that He will NOT let us drown.  

A few moments ago, I was nursing my little one and he felt asleep in my arms. I was reflecting on the goodness of God and about what I should write about tonight. I knew it would be about His great love for us His great love for you. Then I got a clear picture of what that meant.  As I lay in bed with my little one in my arms, the dogs started to bark and he stirred enough to realize that he was in my arms. The biggest smile spread across his little face as he nestled deeper into my arms. I felt such an amazing feeling. At that moment I realized because of my great love for Ethan, I would do absolutely anything for him! There was nothing that he could do to turn me away. There was nothing he could say to make me change my mind. There was absolutely no obstacle too great to move, because I wanted to make sure the desires of his heart were met. Guess what? That's how God feels about you! It is because of His great love. Romans 8:38-39 says:

38 And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[p] neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. 39 No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.

This truth is for you! There is nothing that can separate you from His love. Not poverty, nor wealth. No mistake, no regret, no anger, no life choice, no abortion, no fear, no failure, no sin, no disobedience. NOTHING! He loves you enough to move heaven and earth for you. He adores every bit of you. Perfection from you isn't important because all He wants to do is meet your needs. He loves you with His very being. I can't imagine anyone loving more than the love that I felt for my son tonight, but that is how He loves you. How He loves us... and this my friend, is the greatest thing. 

Love,

-Mel

The beauty of creativity

Driven by a deep desire to craft ones passion into a tangible masterpiece, we weave our efforts into beauty. Some create songs, others scribble prose. Tonight, I created a twig vase...and failed.

Do you ever have a picture in your mind of what a created work will look like, yet as you keep working on a project, it continually morphs into something you don't really care for? Well, I'm actually happy to be able to have creativity at all.

Within the victim of life-altering trauma, there is often one common thread- the death of creativity. I have spoken to individuals who have forgotten that they knew how to knit, paint or dance. Others have stopped dreaming completely. I have been there myself.

As my life has become adrift with stillness and continuity, I am finally able to dream creatively again. Although haphazard, I'm still dreaming! Although there will be a lot of failures along the way, each mistake contributes to the whole of me. Each one working together to redefine my passions and solidify my personhood.

Whether your creativity be amiss in the drudgeries of tragedy, the monotony of parenthood or the disconnect of the awareness of your self and soul, I encourage you to dream again!

The ability of creativity is as a God-placed fingerprint weaved within each of us. Find your passion. Re-write your story. Dream daily and achieve those dreams! Right now, my dreams are to become a carpenter, master the piano, videography and musical production. I have so much to learn, but I can see myself at the finish line. Love, do not give up until you achieve every passion set before you. You are never too young, and will never be too old.

Love,

-Mel

Ps. I'm going to keep working on the vase until it becomes something beautiful.

Does He Need Me?

Next week marks the 4 year anniversary of my eldest son's arrival at home from the NICU. In honor of that day, I wanted to share a previous post I wrote about the process.

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Sometimes I like to analyze things...maybe over analyze things. I'm sitting here scrubbing the dining room table contemplating whether or not I really need to nurse my 7 month old through the night. He acts like it's a matter of life and death... and I'm just trying to stay alive from sleep deprivation. He needs me too much...Then a stark contrast enters my mind. Does my 2 1/2 year old really need me at all? In his mind, it seems he doesn't. He would go all day in a soiled diaper, eating raisins and bananas, and is highly skilled at operating the water dispenser to fill his own Dixie cup, thank you very much. He knows what TV show he wants to watch, when we need to go to the park, or what t shirt he doesn't want to wear. The difference between he and his brother is a matter of time...time in the NICU.

I have been told the attachment issues my 7 month old is experiencing are present because he was taken away at birth to an entirely different hospital on the other side of town for ten days. It was at least 2 days before I even held him. Smelled his sweet hair...touched his skin. He was born with a keen awareness of my presence and the trauma of our separation.

Back track two and a half years to the birth of Nehemiah. Born at 24 weeks of gestation, he lived in the NICU for almost three months. The nurses were his mother... the beeping of machines lulled him to sleep. He never had the opportunity to really comprehend his need for mommy. It was about a week...maybe more when I saw him for the first time. The innocence and newness of his transition of life outside of the womb was only residue covered by layers of thick medical tape, as he was tucked safely in an incubator under bilirubin lights. It was probably a month or more before I even touched his sweet hand without gloves. To him, all that time, I could have been another nurse. But in my heart, in my being I knew better. He knew...I was mommy. I am mommy. I will always be.

Sometimes with his independence, I fear he will forget that he needs me...yes my job is to prepare him for the world and let him fly in time and it's coming fast...all to fast. Will he ever really know? For he doesn't know he was meant to be held in my arms... meant to be nursed at my breast. Lulled to sleep by my love songs.

Hmm...

Well, What I missed then is mine to give now. I have to teach him. I choose to give him all my love and more. I won't have him forever. So go ahead sweetie. Fill up your dixie cup and let the water fall on the floor, cause at the end of the day, I tuck you in bed with your big Brown blanket and Mickey mouse with the chewed up nose that you refuse to sleep without. I read you the same story over and over again. Sing you the same songs and I kiss you goodnight. I am irreplaceable and I am yours-
whether you like it or not. :-)

Yeah, these guys need me...no matter how much or little it seems. Truthfully, I'm pretty sure I need them a little more.

A Real Treasure

For a few years I've felt like my heart has been bleeding. During my husbands first duty station at Fairchild AFB in Spokane, Washington, I found myself in the wake of a great tragedy, falling apart,  but excited. Away from my family, but closer to my husband...but I couldn't help but shake and incessant and tangible loneliness that was creeping in.

Unfortunately, loneliness was something I was far too familiar with. I can recall that in high school and some of college I was so familiar with the empty feeling that it had become a comfortable home for me-almost a depression. Deep down I craved real friendship. I knew that there had to be something better than living under a dark cloud everyday.

One day after the move, as I settled into our new home on base, I couldn't help but notice a neighbor. I soon found out that her name was Jessica. She had a sweet daughter and two crazy dogs. Immediately I knew I had found a treasure.

Soon she was dragging me out of the house to go on walks with her and the dogs. I had a puppy of my own and we would have play dates together.

A few weeks later, I got a frantic knock at the door. It was Jessica's daughter. She told me that her mom was unconscious on the floor and she couldn't wake her. I ran over, called 911 and tried to calm her daughter while we waited for the paramedics to arrive. Jessica had recently had knee surgery and the prescribed meds built up in her system- so much to cause her to lose consciousness. I was able to help save her life that day, but little did she know that she was saving mine.

After that incident, we became close friends fast- having movie nights, cooking dinners together, hitting up the gym. Our husband's were both gone for weeks at a time because of training, so we kind of became family. I remember on Easter, I woke up in the morning to Jessica in a bunny suit with a basket of goodies she put together. I'd never had a friend so thoughtful, and her actions will be forever etched in my heart.

Unfortunately, my husband wasn't able to finish that particular season of training and we were to be reassigned immediately. I was devastated. The one friend I had waited my whole life for was going to be gone, and there was nothing that could change that. We kept in contact after the move with calls, letters and care packages but as the happenings of life progressed, our contact became more and more infrequent. I knew things were never the same. They couldn't be. Our circumstances were very different. Sometimes life just happens like that.

After the ordeal, I kind of locked my heart away for my heart was broken. Deeply pained. I just kept plugging forward. Having more children, spending time with my husband- but when he was gone I was still very lonely. I'd make friends- even good ones, but I would often compare them to the one I had...never fully going all in. Quite possibly from the fear that it wouldn't last. I sometimes found myself becoming jealous of friendships that others had. I was grieving the loss of a treasure. Silently praying for restoration. 

It's amazing how God brings things back around. After years of loneliness and isolation,  I now have many ladies in my life that I cherish dearly as forever friends. Each has a different role in my life and a special place in my heart. Each one is a dear treasure. For the one I lost, I gained so many more, and I am so grateful. I know I missed so many opportunities of true friendship after locking my heart away. How I wish I would have kept my heart open! It would have spared me from years of dismal loneliness.

Some of my most beloved practices today are because of my friend Jessica's influence- the way I love drinking vanilla chai tea in the evenings...my love for kettlebell training, passion for the great outdoors, being a dog lover and getting hooked on Bones. Even though that season is gone, I took away so much. I am better for it. 

If you've ever suffered the deep heart wound of a shattered relationship, don't lose hope. God truly restores all things. You may not have that specific relationship again, but your heart can be restored. I can attest to that. If you have a friendship like this now, then cherish every moment. 

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 says:

"Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble."

We were made for real friendship. We were made for real community. Embrace friendship today even if there is a chance of becoming wounded, for real friendship brings real healing.

Love,

-Mel

Stronger than you think

You have an inherent strength within you. We all do. Sometimes we shrink back under the weight of the "what ifs" or seemingly impossible circumstances of our lives, but we were never meant to. We brush issues under the rug; wait until someone stronger comes along to handle things, but guess what? YOU CAN! If we would only use our God given strength and take courage in our lives, our dreams would be in our hands. This is so much more than physical strength.

Did you know that you are strong enough to get out of that abusive relationship? You ARE strong enough to heal from death and loss. You are strong enough to get healthy and run a marathon if YOU want to! You are strong enough to say the hard words you are waiting for someone else to say first- to put yourself out there and be vulnerable. Strong enough to face possible rejection. You are strong enough to succeed, strong enough to thrive! Strong enough to admit that you were wrong. Strong enough to let go of that addiction. Strong enough to re-write your story.

A matter of strength arose last week when I decided to tackle the mountain of overgrown trees and bushes in my front yard. Our house had been sitting on the market for over a year and the mess in this yard was the aftermath. Eek! Subconsciously, I think I was waiting for my husband to get in there and hack out a play area for the kids. Then I thought "shoot, I could be waiting till my kids are in high school. Why don't I just do it?!" I went to the yard with a sawzall, shears, a bow saw and got to work. Man, did I get to work! I think I lost about five pounds that day just working the ground that God blessed me with... and you know what? It was amazing! In the beginning, God said "Get yer yard and subdue it!" Ok I'm definitely paraphrasing, but I brought those pines to their knees! Woo hoo! I felt so alive! I felt so strong. I felt like me!

 Because of my hard work in the yard, my dreams are finally within reach. I can already envision the wooden benches that will rest on the edges of the plush green grass the kids will play on for hours. I can almost smell the fragrant blooms that will grace the pathway to the wrought iron gate. I can see us entertaining friends in the moonlight while we discuss the more genteel matters of life. I can see bonfires blazing, holiday lights lining the trees, memories being made- all because I believed in myself and put my strength into action.

Love, what dreams are at your fingertips? You WILL reach them if you use your God-given strength to move. To thrive! It's YOUR promise! It's in your DNA! Daniel 11:32 says "The people of God will display power and take action." Do you know who you are? Then, it's your turn.

Love,

-Mel

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