Oops! I didn't mean to say that!

Do you ever find yourself in a situation that just gets worse because of the stuff that spews out of your mouth? Its even harder when the words are aimed at you, but they just didn't come out right. That happened to me a little while ago.

I had just finished my fourth Psychopathology paper, and with the build up of stresses, someone i love called me Psycho. Now, I know Psycho. I just wrote 4 papers on the Psychology of Psycho! But, as we are human, before I came up with a logical and polite response, I just apted to shortness and said goodbye.

Oops, I guess we both didn't mean to say that! Just letting it be didn't help, not to mention the entire ordeal was over the phone so that makes it even more difficult to remedy.

So, What did I do? I sent a text... in an attempt to make things "better."

I haven't gotten a response yet, but you know how that is. Always a feeling of suspense that can lead to unrealisitic or untrue assumptions regarding the other persons behavior.

Next time, I'm using a video phone! (If only conflicts were that simple.)

Grabbing Life by the Horns

"Do you ever find your self encountered by a situation that causes the necessity of "Grabbing Life by the Horns?" -much like the slogan of Dodge cars.

Sometimes, you just have to make a decision and do what you must to ensure important things are accomplished. I did that last night. I'm doing that today, but tomorrow, I'm going to relax! I probably didn't go to bed until almost three in the morning. I was going to pull and "all-nighter" but I took a break/nap on the couch and decided that my bed was much more comfortable. How about that? I guess that wasn't grabbing like by the horns then, but it didn't matter because I finished two papers and already had a pretty good sense of accomplishment for the day.

This week, I am going to visit Jon. I don't have the money, I don't know how I am going to get there or how much it is going to cost, but I'm leaving on Thursday. Talk about initiative! Once I work out the small details, everything else will be a piece of cake. All I will have to worry about would be whether or not to pack a bathing suit. :-)

Some would call that an ill-executed plan, others would call it stupidity, but I'm calling it initiative today. I deserve it. Writing 12 papers constitutes for a reward. Jon even said I could fly first class if I wanted to. I don't know about all that though. Most first class seating arrangements just consist of better food and a little more leg room. I'm fine with my pretzels and window seat, thank you.

so, tomorrow comes the BIG turn in, and Thursday...VACATION!

Anger management

I couldn't tell you exactly why, but I feel like I've been raging a bit lately- maybe not outwardly, but under the surface. I noticed the frequent #*@!& moments and sheer frustration, and it has been so difficult to focus. Maybe it is because of the unrealistic expectation of 16 papers due by Tuesday that I really don't want to do.

I have so many other things on my mind, like sorting through things to move, selling my car, visiting Jon next week and the financial challenges that come with being alive...not to mention grieving.

Now, I've been the queen of knowing when to cut my losses. I learned that from college. The problem with what I'm dealing with right now is my priorities are all confused. When I am hurting or experiencing change, I've found that I sometimes have to do what is good for me, so I can simply function and remain healthy. For me that usually entails dropping everything, and just breaking away from duties. I like going for a drive, painting, playing guitar, singing or hanging out with friends. I haven't done much of that lately.

Maybe that is the source of my frustration. Either way, I need an outlet. I need to figure out what's most important.

Hide and Seek

I just realized that I've been hiding. I don't know how long its been, but I see the symptoms. First it was the long hair- to cover my eyes. Then it was the make-up, to hide behind. When I went to see Jon in San Antonio earlier this month, I remember later that he said he didn't recognize me at first. I thought I was just trying to overcompensate for the fact that I hadn't seen him in such a long time. I didn't know I was hiding.

So when did Seek begin? Well I think His spirit has been Seeking my heart. That's how it always starts. Then its a comment by someone here and there. Jon said something- he likes my hair- likes to see me. That's when I noticed the turmoil inside. He was trying to take off my mask. Did he even know it?

What did I do? I cut it. I cut the twists to shoulder length- a lot less to hide behind. I noticed something was missing...the real me. It reminded me of that Joy Williams song, Hide. I just wanted to play it and put it on repeat until every inch of the twists were undone. Until I was undone. I hinted a conversation at God, which turned into unspoken silent dialoge of Him showing me myself. I tried to figure it all out, but to confusing avail. So, I am lost... until I remove this mask.

I remember before I would have torn it off. I wanted to be exposed! "I have nothing to hide!" I would say... until this. Its almost like the Great Sadness from The Shack.

I thought my pain wasn't that bad, but I haven't yet had the chance to look myself in the face.

This mask has got to come OFF!

Caught off guard

I was looking through and deleting pics on my phone after a pleasant conversation with a friend and something inside of me was beckoning me to look a little closer. To search for the sacred pictures I knew were there but I was afraid! I couldn't deny them. I had to find them. As I scrolled through the dates of the pictures from September 17th to August 25...to the twelfth. There they were- Eli and Enoch as beautiful and fragile as I could remember. By then, I couldn't stop the tears. I didn't really want to. I was almost shocked by my response because I thought I had been so good. I was caught off guard at my fear and apprehension to face the reality again. Only a little over a month ago it happened.

What do you do when you lose something so precious? The instinctive thing that I did was yell and shake my fist at God. I stopped once I realized that I wasn't really mad at Him, but I was hurt, am hurt deeply. I looked in the mirror at my flushed face and slowly motioned toward my stomach, making a rounded shape in the air of what I would look like by now. I yelled "They would have been ready!" I couldn't stop my flashes of anger. I tried to calm myself, and breathed deeply. Through clenched teeth I said "You'd better take care of them...Just take care of them."

Oh, how I wish I could. I am at a huge loss right now. I can't let the cares of life overtake my healing. It would make me ill. This is a part of who I am-My mat that I must take up and walk with, like Jamey said, but how I wish I didn't have it. I would rather have my sons.

I think I'm ready

I have so much on my mind right now. I can feel the tension tingling in my shoulders and I don't quite know what to do but this- write.

I'm in the middle of a very daunting task- to write 16 papers by the 30th of this month. Not my cup of tea, I guess...especially not with how things have been going.

I really miss papi and want to try to visit him in two weeks. I will be moving next month to Spokane, so I am super excited. I am definitely going to have a lot of time to think... and write.

Jamey said I should write a book. I've actually been thinking about it. If I could only sort through these thoughts first...

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