The Greatest Thing

Yesterday evening, our refrigerator died for a few hours. I was in the kitchen preparing a drink for my little one, when I noticed something strange. I could actually smell the food in the refrigerator. It's crazy that I didn't notice it before. You don't usually smell the food unless it's getting warm, but I didn't think about that. I didn't really think about anything, but to grab the butter and cheese. The butter was soft. So was the cheese. 

All I thought of while cooking was "Man, these grilled cheese sandwiches are cooking fast!" That made me happy, as I  often cheat when I make grilled cheese.  I just melt the cheese in the microwave and brown the bread in the toaster. Perfection isn't that important to me when my kids have rumbling tummies. I'd rather show them love by providing for their needs sooner that later, because I know what it feels like to be hungry.

I found myself in the kitchen- sippy cup in my hand, when I finally put two and two together. You see, I'm the kind of person that doesn't really anticipate things going wrong, so when they do, it's news to me. I decided to poke a milk carton in the freezer just to be sure that this was actually happening. Yep, the milk was almost completely thawed out. I yelled toward the living room to my husband who was working hard on homework. "Jon, I think we're going to need a new refrigerator pretty soon." Now, half of me was overjoyed because that loud thing stole so much peace when the kids were asleep. It was louder than the sound of the dogs snoring in the living room. I couldn't stand it. I wasn't thinking about how much the refrigerator was going to cost, or the stress that it was already causing my husband to hear those words. I was thinking about how quiet it would be when the thing was finally gone and I knew that God would provide for us no matter what, because of His great love. 

There was a point in time where my husband and I shared a brief conversation about resources. We had seen God provide before and we knew that He would, but something inside of both of us wanted to revert to a "freakout cause this is reality" mode- to a time where we didn't have anything. This was a time where we only had have enough money for rent, bus fare, a few bananas and a loaf of bread (that we purchased with pennies) . A time where we were in poverty and so dependent on God to provide for every simple sustenance that we needed to survive. 

We thought about getting a military hardship loan to pay for the refrigerator flat out and then we would slowly repay it as funds would be deducted from Jon's paycheck until the amount was paid in full. It seemed like a good idea at the time... until I was washing dishes and was reminded that although Jon wasn't working an additional job, this was the first time in months, maybe years, that we didn't have to tap into our savings. We actually had money left over! I kind of stood in awe of the provisions of God and remembered how He had miraculously provided in the last few months since my husband had stopped his personal training business. 

The first month, we received an anonymous check from our bank for over $1600 because they realized they were not providing the best service that they could have regarding our account. It was exactly what we needed to make ends meet. The next month, Jon received a raise and clothing allowance from the military. It was exactly what we needed. This month, I knew we would be short on grocery money. I have a family consisting of a very hungry husband and three growing boys. One day online I randomly decided to enter a contest to win some naturally raised chicken, and I won! I never win anything! I was blown away. I was just thinking that the money that I would be short on this month would have been the money I would have used to buy meat for dinner. It was exactly what I needed. It was my manna. God provided exactly what I needed, every single time. 

So, while I'm washing dishes, I just feel that we were supposed to take the abundance that we had and the resources that we'd been given to purchase a new refrigerator. This would be a step to solidifying the end of a poverty mentality in us. If we would go backwards, we would step right back into it. Anyone who knows the despair of not having, knows how difficult it is to walk forward in confidence when you are on the other side on having little. This difficulty is usually from the fear that abundance will be taken away. It's funny because the next day when Jon came home from work, I told him what I felt, and he that he felt the exact same thing. He was going to ask for a handout and was stopped in his tracks. 

It's so crazy how we traverse from one season to the next. It feels so foreign sometimes. It even feels painful sometimes. We have to leave the unfamiliar because God is calling us to something better. He is calling us to step out onto the water. To overcome the fear that we may sink. To trust that He will NOT let us drown.  

A few moments ago, I was nursing my little one and he felt asleep in my arms. I was reflecting on the goodness of God and about what I should write about tonight. I knew it would be about His great love for us His great love for you. Then I got a clear picture of what that meant.  As I lay in bed with my little one in my arms, the dogs started to bark and he stirred enough to realize that he was in my arms. The biggest smile spread across his little face as he nestled deeper into my arms. I felt such an amazing feeling. At that moment I realized because of my great love for Ethan, I would do absolutely anything for him! There was nothing that he could do to turn me away. There was nothing he could say to make me change my mind. There was absolutely no obstacle too great to move, because I wanted to make sure the desires of his heart were met. Guess what? That's how God feels about you! It is because of His great love. Romans 8:38-39 says:

38 And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[p] neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. 39 No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.

This truth is for you! There is nothing that can separate you from His love. Not poverty, nor wealth. No mistake, no regret, no anger, no life choice, no abortion, no fear, no failure, no sin, no disobedience. NOTHING! He loves you enough to move heaven and earth for you. He adores every bit of you. Perfection from you isn't important because all He wants to do is meet your needs. He loves you with His very being. I can't imagine anyone loving more than the love that I felt for my son tonight, but that is how He loves you. How He loves us... and this my friend, is the greatest thing. 

Love,

-Mel

The beauty of creativity

Driven by a deep desire to craft ones passion into a tangible masterpiece, we weave our efforts into beauty. Some create songs, others scribble prose. Tonight, I created a twig vase...and failed.

Do you ever have a picture in your mind of what a created work will look like, yet as you keep working on a project, it continually morphs into something you don't really care for? Well, I'm actually happy to be able to have creativity at all.

Within the victim of life-altering trauma, there is often one common thread- the death of creativity. I have spoken to individuals who have forgotten that they knew how to knit, paint or dance. Others have stopped dreaming completely. I have been there myself.

As my life has become adrift with stillness and continuity, I am finally able to dream creatively again. Although haphazard, I'm still dreaming! Although there will be a lot of failures along the way, each mistake contributes to the whole of me. Each one working together to redefine my passions and solidify my personhood.

Whether your creativity be amiss in the drudgeries of tragedy, the monotony of parenthood or the disconnect of the awareness of your self and soul, I encourage you to dream again!

The ability of creativity is as a God-placed fingerprint weaved within each of us. Find your passion. Re-write your story. Dream daily and achieve those dreams! Right now, my dreams are to become a carpenter, master the piano, videography and musical production. I have so much to learn, but I can see myself at the finish line. Love, do not give up until you achieve every passion set before you. You are never too young, and will never be too old.

Love,

-Mel

Ps. I'm going to keep working on the vase until it becomes something beautiful.

Does He Need Me?

Next week marks the 4 year anniversary of my eldest son's arrival at home from the NICU. In honor of that day, I wanted to share a previous post I wrote about the process.

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Sometimes I like to analyze things...maybe over analyze things. I'm sitting here scrubbing the dining room table contemplating whether or not I really need to nurse my 7 month old through the night. He acts like it's a matter of life and death... and I'm just trying to stay alive from sleep deprivation. He needs me too much...Then a stark contrast enters my mind. Does my 2 1/2 year old really need me at all? In his mind, it seems he doesn't. He would go all day in a soiled diaper, eating raisins and bananas, and is highly skilled at operating the water dispenser to fill his own Dixie cup, thank you very much. He knows what TV show he wants to watch, when we need to go to the park, or what t shirt he doesn't want to wear. The difference between he and his brother is a matter of time...time in the NICU.

I have been told the attachment issues my 7 month old is experiencing are present because he was taken away at birth to an entirely different hospital on the other side of town for ten days. It was at least 2 days before I even held him. Smelled his sweet hair...touched his skin. He was born with a keen awareness of my presence and the trauma of our separation.

Back track two and a half years to the birth of Nehemiah. Born at 24 weeks of gestation, he lived in the NICU for almost three months. The nurses were his mother... the beeping of machines lulled him to sleep. He never had the opportunity to really comprehend his need for mommy. It was about a week...maybe more when I saw him for the first time. The innocence and newness of his transition of life outside of the womb was only residue covered by layers of thick medical tape, as he was tucked safely in an incubator under bilirubin lights. It was probably a month or more before I even touched his sweet hand without gloves. To him, all that time, I could have been another nurse. But in my heart, in my being I knew better. He knew...I was mommy. I am mommy. I will always be.

Sometimes with his independence, I fear he will forget that he needs me...yes my job is to prepare him for the world and let him fly in time and it's coming fast...all to fast. Will he ever really know? For he doesn't know he was meant to be held in my arms... meant to be nursed at my breast. Lulled to sleep by my love songs.

Hmm...

Well, What I missed then is mine to give now. I have to teach him. I choose to give him all my love and more. I won't have him forever. So go ahead sweetie. Fill up your dixie cup and let the water fall on the floor, cause at the end of the day, I tuck you in bed with your big Brown blanket and Mickey mouse with the chewed up nose that you refuse to sleep without. I read you the same story over and over again. Sing you the same songs and I kiss you goodnight. I am irreplaceable and I am yours-
whether you like it or not. :-)

Yeah, these guys need me...no matter how much or little it seems. Truthfully, I'm pretty sure I need them a little more.

A Real Treasure

For a few years I've felt like my heart has been bleeding. During my husbands first duty station at Fairchild AFB in Spokane, Washington, I found myself in the wake of a great tragedy, falling apart,  but excited. Away from my family, but closer to my husband...but I couldn't help but shake and incessant and tangible loneliness that was creeping in.

Unfortunately, loneliness was something I was far too familiar with. I can recall that in high school and some of college I was so familiar with the empty feeling that it had become a comfortable home for me-almost a depression. Deep down I craved real friendship. I knew that there had to be something better than living under a dark cloud everyday.

One day after the move, as I settled into our new home on base, I couldn't help but notice a neighbor. I soon found out that her name was Jessica. She had a sweet daughter and two crazy dogs. Immediately I knew I had found a treasure.

Soon she was dragging me out of the house to go on walks with her and the dogs. I had a puppy of my own and we would have play dates together.

A few weeks later, I got a frantic knock at the door. It was Jessica's daughter. She told me that her mom was unconscious on the floor and she couldn't wake her. I ran over, called 911 and tried to calm her daughter while we waited for the paramedics to arrive. Jessica had recently had knee surgery and the prescribed meds built up in her system- so much to cause her to lose consciousness. I was able to help save her life that day, but little did she know that she was saving mine.

After that incident, we became close friends fast- having movie nights, cooking dinners together, hitting up the gym. Our husband's were both gone for weeks at a time because of training, so we kind of became family. I remember on Easter, I woke up in the morning to Jessica in a bunny suit with a basket of goodies she put together. I'd never had a friend so thoughtful, and her actions will be forever etched in my heart.

Unfortunately, my husband wasn't able to finish that particular season of training and we were to be reassigned immediately. I was devastated. The one friend I had waited my whole life for was going to be gone, and there was nothing that could change that. We kept in contact after the move with calls, letters and care packages but as the happenings of life progressed, our contact became more and more infrequent. I knew things were never the same. They couldn't be. Our circumstances were very different. Sometimes life just happens like that.

After the ordeal, I kind of locked my heart away for my heart was broken. Deeply pained. I just kept plugging forward. Having more children, spending time with my husband- but when he was gone I was still very lonely. I'd make friends- even good ones, but I would often compare them to the one I had...never fully going all in. Quite possibly from the fear that it wouldn't last. I sometimes found myself becoming jealous of friendships that others had. I was grieving the loss of a treasure. Silently praying for restoration. 

It's amazing how God brings things back around. After years of loneliness and isolation,  I now have many ladies in my life that I cherish dearly as forever friends. Each has a different role in my life and a special place in my heart. Each one is a dear treasure. For the one I lost, I gained so many more, and I am so grateful. I know I missed so many opportunities of true friendship after locking my heart away. How I wish I would have kept my heart open! It would have spared me from years of dismal loneliness.

Some of my most beloved practices today are because of my friend Jessica's influence- the way I love drinking vanilla chai tea in the evenings...my love for kettlebell training, passion for the great outdoors, being a dog lover and getting hooked on Bones. Even though that season is gone, I took away so much. I am better for it. 

If you've ever suffered the deep heart wound of a shattered relationship, don't lose hope. God truly restores all things. You may not have that specific relationship again, but your heart can be restored. I can attest to that. If you have a friendship like this now, then cherish every moment. 

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 says:

"Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble."

We were made for real friendship. We were made for real community. Embrace friendship today even if there is a chance of becoming wounded, for real friendship brings real healing.

Love,

-Mel

Stronger than you think

You have an inherent strength within you. We all do. Sometimes we shrink back under the weight of the "what ifs" or seemingly impossible circumstances of our lives, but we were never meant to. We brush issues under the rug; wait until someone stronger comes along to handle things, but guess what? YOU CAN! If we would only use our God given strength and take courage in our lives, our dreams would be in our hands. This is so much more than physical strength.

Did you know that you are strong enough to get out of that abusive relationship? You ARE strong enough to heal from death and loss. You are strong enough to get healthy and run a marathon if YOU want to! You are strong enough to say the hard words you are waiting for someone else to say first- to put yourself out there and be vulnerable. Strong enough to face possible rejection. You are strong enough to succeed, strong enough to thrive! Strong enough to admit that you were wrong. Strong enough to let go of that addiction. Strong enough to re-write your story.

A matter of strength arose last week when I decided to tackle the mountain of overgrown trees and bushes in my front yard. Our house had been sitting on the market for over a year and the mess in this yard was the aftermath. Eek! Subconsciously, I think I was waiting for my husband to get in there and hack out a play area for the kids. Then I thought "shoot, I could be waiting till my kids are in high school. Why don't I just do it?!" I went to the yard with a sawzall, shears, a bow saw and got to work. Man, did I get to work! I think I lost about five pounds that day just working the ground that God blessed me with... and you know what? It was amazing! In the beginning, God said "Get yer yard and subdue it!" Ok I'm definitely paraphrasing, but I brought those pines to their knees! Woo hoo! I felt so alive! I felt so strong. I felt like me!

 Because of my hard work in the yard, my dreams are finally within reach. I can already envision the wooden benches that will rest on the edges of the plush green grass the kids will play on for hours. I can almost smell the fragrant blooms that will grace the pathway to the wrought iron gate. I can see us entertaining friends in the moonlight while we discuss the more genteel matters of life. I can see bonfires blazing, holiday lights lining the trees, memories being made- all because I believed in myself and put my strength into action.

Love, what dreams are at your fingertips? You WILL reach them if you use your God-given strength to move. To thrive! It's YOUR promise! It's in your DNA! Daniel 11:32 says "The people of God will display power and take action." Do you know who you are? Then, it's your turn.

Love,

-Mel

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An Undivided Heart

 

It's easy to get overwhelmed with life. In being bombarded with so many things to accomplish on a daily basis, it can be easy to miss the most important things. I've been bad when it comes to missing the important things...really bad. I attributed it to grief, busyness, crisis- moving so quickly from one event in my life to the next without really having the ability to take a breath and de-brief. I'd been on auto-pilot for years and I hate to admit it. It's so painful when someone recalls a time that they shared with you that impacted their life so deeply, and you cannot even recall a moment of the interaction. That's been my life for the last 5 years.  Something happened in my heart recently that changed everything. 

I was spending time with a dear friend of mine recently and through the conversation and prayer, I realized that I had a divided heart. I don't really know how it began, but its divisions left an indelible mark on my life. it had gotten so bad that I forgot how to prioritize... I found myself trying to figure out if I should change my sons' diaper or fold laundry. My passions fizzled out as soon as they began. I was checked out and I didn't love as I should. 

I don't know why the grace of healing was extended to me, but I'm grateful it did. I had been seeking God for renewal for years. I guess it was just the time. Maybe He had enough of my silliness in suffering. Whatever the reason, I tangibly felt God begin to renew my heart...making it undivided. I am finally able to pursue my sole purposes with passion and joy- a path that I haven't been on in years. Every time I tried to move before, it just felt like striving. Now it feels like flying. 

Yesterday, I was going to go shopping after the kids were in bed, because I'm used to the internalization that everything is "urgent"...even purchasing socks or a crayons for the kids at 10PM. With an undivided heart, I stopped and considered what really mattered. I would much rather spend a few moments in the arms of my husband before he turned in for the night than drive to the store. I couldn't remember the last time I had, and the moments were glorious. I had missed listening to his heart beat. Where have I been? What kind of life was I living? A hurried one. A desperate one. 

I say all of this to tell you that if you find yourself with a divided heart tonight, know that God sees you. He wants to make you new. All of the prayers that you've hidden inside have not been unheard. He cherishes every one. Just as the earth traverses a set path in its rotation that paints the skies in each season with brilliance, so the Savior twirls you amongst the seasons of your life. Some seasons are bold as the colors of fall. Some seem as a frigid winter, but none is more important than the rest. Cherish each season love. If you've found yourself stuck shivering in the cold like i'd been, don't fret. Summer is coming! Love you!

-Mel.

A matter of life and death

An issue has been on my heart for quite some time now. I wanted to share it because I've been there. Let me fill you in. As you know, parenting can be such a challenge. There are amazing days, and there are also days where you feel ridiculously overwhelmed. When we are not at our best, sometimes we yell more, sometimes we cry. Sometimes we replace our meals with chocolate or completely tune out everything with media. I'm guilty of them all.  

A few weeks ago I found myself screaming at the top of my lungs, running to my bathroom and locking the door. I was so overwhelmed with kids that didn't listen, a dirty house, inhumane levels of sleep deprivation and unattained dreams that I lost it. I sunk to the floor and just cried...no, I balled. I seriously considered suicide that day. That's how bad it was. I got up and cried loading the kids in the car. I cried to the grocery store, and cried to meet my dear husband who was definitely not expecting such a beautiful mess to surprise him with lunch. While he held me in his arms, all I could think of was "How did I get here?" Such a desperate place. Meltdowns were for my kids. Not for me. I'm supposed to hold it together. Be the example. Well, sometimes I'm just not strong enough.

As caregivers, it is so important to take care of ourselves. We've all heard the old adage "If you don't take care of yourself, you won't be able to take care of anybody else." Isn't that the truth! Far too often we walk around like zombies, trying to make meals, break up fights between our kids, clean up poop and cater to everyone else but ourselves. We may go days without a shower, live in pajamas, often grimacing at those extra pounds that we have no time to lose. 

All of these cares can pile up...on your shoulders. At the end of the day, when no one is there but you, how do you really feel about yourself? Have you checked in with your heart lately? Love, I want to encourage your heart. You can and WILL make it to the weekend. You are beautiful. You are so valuable. You are dearly loved. 

Who cares about the huge mental to-do list that you still haven't actually written down.  Who cares about the piles of dishes or clothes. Who cares about how junky the car is or about the caked up milk under your little ones booster seat. In time, everything will get done. Put aside the broken dreams, unfinished college or anything else you're regretting. Right now, it's about YOU. What you do IS important! YOU were made to thrive. YOU were made to smile so much more than you do. YOU were made to dream! Keep dreaming love. Don't give up. 

If you've ever been to the end of your rope... even considered suicide, I've been there too. But I am still here! We are still here for a reason. You were meant to live beyond today. It's time to take care of you, find balance and become the best lover your family has ever had. Don't give up. You were made for this! One of my favorite bible verses is Matthew 11:28. The NIV translation says:

28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Let this truth sink into your soul. There is a better way to manage everything, and you can do it while still taking care of you. Here are a few practical steps to put into practice to regain needed balance.

Practical steps to a healthier you:

• Get more sleep. Simply setting a bedtime and wake-up time for yourself will ensure that you get some sleep. My bedtime is 11PM and I try to wake-up at 7AM. Although my rest is horribly interrupted with nursing my sweet little one throughout the night, at least I know that from 11 to 7, I'm in my pajamas!

• Hit the gym. Working out your body balances your hormones, contributes to a better mood and a healthier lifestyle. You owe that to yourself. Whether you actually leave the house to hit the weights, hang out in your garage gym or do a dvd in the living room- Anything will bring wonderful changes! 

• Have some "me" time. Getting away from your stressors is an integral part of rejuvenation. Taking a walk, reading a book out on the patio, painting your nails or hitting up the local coffee shop without the kids can help you to regain needed perspective so that you can return home in a better head-space than before you left. Remember, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder..." even if that "absence" is in moderation. 

I could go on and on. Eat cleaner, turn the tv off, daydream, paint a picture or have a glass of wine. 

Find a healthy outlet that makes you feel alive and own it! Balance helps us to love well. You deserve a balanced journey! You deserve to live better. Choose to be at your best. Believe me, you won't regret it.
I'm on the same journey now. I've been painting more, got a gym membership and finally started to invest in me. I'm still trying to find my groove in all of this, but I'm so much better that I was. If I feel like I'm even close to having a meltdown, then it's time to give myself permission to re-focus on what's important today...Me.