Tuesday, December 8, 2009

A Time for Everything



The Sun had set,

Her eyes were closed.

She dreamt of life,

her love unfolds.

Yet in her eyes,

there rests a tear.

A forlorn smile,

from ear to ear.

She breathes a sigh.

One glance around,

before she falls,

upon the ground.

Amidst the leaves,

into her hand.

She turns the veins,

colored of sand.

Of life, of love,

of joy snuffed out.

Of hopes, of fears...

covered in doubt.

But now she waits,

amidst the leaves-

and stares at tops

of Poplar Trees.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Yelling at God? I don't do that enough *REPOST*

yelling at a donkey llama thing

*

I was approached by a friend today about the necessity of yelling at God sometimes. When you face something tough in life- something unfortunate that was in no way a part of God's plan for you, but was a result of the free-will of someone else or of a broken world... that just sucks.

Why did their bad decision have to rub off on me and alter my existence? Its just not fair. Well, I guess I haven't been doing enough of this "yelling" at God (or maybe to God). I feel it in my soul- a tug of war as I try to reconcile my heart, and a mind that has been forever trying to convince me that God is a God of wrath. My heart has been trying to prove my mind wrong, but after these altering events, that effort has become a despicable feat.

So, how does this conversation come about? A exchange of beating my chest and occasional wtfs to God? I don't know if I can be that honest, right? But ya know, honesty like this is what God can truly take. When we look in the Word of God, those who were brutally honest captivated His heart. Christ Himself spoke those tough words to the Father "Let this cup pass from me," but ultimately, Christ surrendered his will and succumbed to his predestined fate and it was a glorious one.

With all that said, I will officially say that I am upset. I know I have been cheated. My life has been forever altered. I have been deeply pained, wronged, like a reed bent with no cause, but ya know what? My Savior is beginning to pick up the pieces of me. Little by little I am watching Him mend this heart, and when the healing has been completed and the scars become a reminder of where I have been, He and I will be a force to be reckoned with. No doubt about it.

Until then, Lord, let your love be the healing balm that soothes this soul.

Let your strength infuse a heart that has turned to stone.

Let true praise be the breath that speaks no lies-

to the Savior who holds the tears that fall from these eyes.

You have felt the pain that deepens within my chest

you have seen me broken as I beat upon my breast,

but great joy will soon return to me

for you are my sweet justice and my liberty.

Amen.

*Note: I am in no way equating God to a pony, donkey or llama. LOL. I just really liked this picture:-)

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Real Love

290px-Cristo_Redentor_-_Rio

So, I was doing some thinking about love. You know, Jesus loved unconditionally, compassionately...completely.

We love marginally, conditionally and many times through gritted teeth- inevitably reluctantly. You may beg to differ, but I'm speaking from experience.

Nevertheless, love makes me think of communion. You know- the communion Jesus had with the disciples in the upper room. The more I know about those disciples, I realize that true communion was not just for the righteous. We have all sinned.

What gets me is that Christ knew the sins of those who sat around the table with Him during the last supper. He even pointed out the sins of some and told them that He knew! But ya know what? He didn't dismiss himself from the table. Why? Because He loved completely. He simply wanted to sup with them. He wanted them to understand the depth of His love and the imperative reality of His impending sacrifice.

His actions were saying : No matter what, I'm not giving up on you. My death proves my commitment to your process of healing and salvation. I want you to be free to love as I love... to love as freely and as completely as I live.

I just thought that was deep. Although for some, the words spoken here may be obvious or even redundant, but I'd be remiss if I forget of the love of Christ- if my heart becomes calloused and it no longer aches when I consider the reality of the depth of Christ's love.

I just wanted to share that with you. Have a great day.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

The Memorial Day Fiasco

DSCN0420

Yesterday was one of the most ridiculous and interesting days I’ve ever had. I woke up with Jon at the Dallas Westin, both of us saddened that we had to soon say goodbye. We packed up, ate breakfast at the hotel and departed for Waco, TX to meet my brother in law, Andy, with his wife and kids at the Cameron Park Zoo. The drive was about an hour and a half.

The zoo was beautiful- it seemed more like a wildlife reserve, and was nested in the middle of a small country town in Waco off of the Brazos River. We saw a Jaguar, capybara, bats, snakes, owls, bears- you know, zoo animals. It was fun to be there with the family- especially since we hadn’t seen them in a while and Andy was in town from Iraq.

As we reached the end of our stay, we said our goodbyes within the nocturnal creature exhibit and pretty much sprinted to the car after a routine bathroom stop. On the way back we stopped at a gas station declaring to cost $1.91 a gallon and Jon was ecstatic. Soon after we found that this station had run out of gas, so we headed to a more popular fueling station, before gaining  a snickers Ice Cream bar for the road.

We made it back to Dallas in record time. After many delays, tolls, and being unable to find the proper check-in location, we said our goodbyes and I searched to find a way to get to my flight on time. I had about 45 minutes before departure.  I finally made it to the check-in station and was greeted by the attendant calling for me in a sea of passengers. I was very late.

After bargaining with passersby to allow me to budge in order to reach my destination, I made it to the gate in time to find that the plane had not yet boarded. This was the beginning of an interesting trip.

As I was seated, initially there was a flutter of activity as a large group was traveling and asked to switch seats in order to stay together. The individual that I ended up seated next to was rather charismatic and intermittently chatty. After a few minutes, we both noticed a man with a barf bag walking determinedly to the restroom- numerous times. We soon found out that he had eaten Chinese food late last night and was not feeling well.

Soon after, the flight attendant looked at me and the guy and asked us if we would switch seats with this man and his wife so that they could be closer to the restroom. It was no problem and we got better seats.

My next traveling companion was a woman from Ottawa, who asked me numerous questions about my travel plans as well as to those around me. She seemed to have meant well and was very friendly. The man I had been sitting next to me in the back of the plane was now across the aisle and kept looking like he wanted to strike up conversation, but hesitated as it seemed rude to talk across the aisle. That was hilarious.

I started working on homework and stopped for a game of Family Feud. Soon after, I felt a tap on my arm. I looked to find an African American young lady .She asked me if I was using my laptop. I was a bit confused and said yes I was. This was apparent and she could obviously see everything that I was doing from my seat. She then proceeded to say “Oh, because I was going to use it to do my homework, but never mind.” I was like “what?..oh.” and just turned around. That was weird.

After I the plane landed, I went to the attendant at the gate and inquired about the connecting flight from Detroit to Minneapolis. He told me it was gate A65. I proceeded to this gate and sat down, as I had an hour before departure and I needed to plug in my laptop.

Soon after, I received a call from Jon. He had taken the rental car and was supposed to drop it off at Enterprise downtown. It was a few blocks away from the greyhound station, so he could just walk from there. After driving around for an hour, he realized the website portrayed the wrong address and he was looking in the wrong location. By then, it was about an hour before he needed to get on the bus.

Reaching the station, Jon soon found out that it was closed on Sundays. The after-hours drop off ramp was also closed. Frantic at this point, Jon decided to park the car at a meter directly outside of Enterprise, hoping that he could contact the office in the morning and someone could check the car in. Unfortunately, he did not understand the payment schedule for the meter and walked away, locking the keys in the car, as well as the receipt for the rental transaction.

At this point, I’m feeling sick to my stomach, trying to figure out what the heck to do. I called Enterprise to see what could be done. The man that I spoke to told me that this was above his pay-grade and sent me to talk to the manager- who did not have a clue about what he could do. I apologized many times and told him I would work it out.

I had an idea to call Geico to see if I could get the car towed to the Airport location where it was rented. Unfortunately, since there was no one with the car, the service that they had could not be redeemed, but I was eventually connected to an “underground” type towing service who would work with me.

I eventually got everything together and the car was going to be towed to the airport to the careful hands of the manager, Jason. After this, I was ready to go home. I looked down from working things out on my computer and that sick feeling returned to my stomach. The time zone was different on my computer than it was on my phone and if this was the case, I had missed my plane! I looked outside of the gate that I was told the plane would depart to see that it was a storage hangar for luggage transportation vehicles! Agh! ARE YOU SERIOUS?

By this time I was pretty livid. I checked the TV screens in the lobby and my fears were confirmed. I walked to a ticket counter and found fortunately that with Delta, if you missed your flight, you will automatically be transferred to another.

After visiting two ticket counters, I spoke with Robert, who apologized and did everything he could to help me out. There was a plane taking off to Minneapolis that night but it was full and there was a waiting list of about eleven people. The next one was leaving around 6am.  I had to sleep in the airport.

Robert told me the safest place to stay and I took my purse and laptop and sat in a chair by a nearby Starbucks. At that point I couldn’t hold it together anymore and started to cry as I told Jon what was happening over the phone. He felt horrible and promised to make it up to me, and advised that when I visited in July, we could stay in Wichita Falls in order to bypass all this trouble- even if it did cost more to fly.

Apparently, my tears were being noticed by some airport employees and they motioned me to come and sit with them after I got off of the phone. I brought my stuff and they prepared me a seat and chided me to share what was going on. There were three men- they reminded me of caring, yet clever dads and uncles. The patiently listened to the story and offered any help that they could. I saw Robert once again and he printed off some food vouchers for me. This was a blessing, as I only had 4 bucks in my pocket. The tow took all the rest of my money.

I got some snacks and prepared for the night, heeding to the wisdom of Harvey- one of the airport employees to sleep on my bags. I called Ron and Becky and let them know what happened.

Soon after, I get a call from Dennis Talbert, a man in the Detroit area who works with the Devos initiative. He told me that there was a hotel within the airport and he had booked me a room there. It was the Westin! I was like “what?! Are you serious?” That’s 200 a night!

So, I slept there-exceedingly grateful and work up at 5 to catch my plane on time. It’s amazing how God can turn a crazy day and a seemingly impossible situation into something wonderful. Even though we cannot always predict how each day will turn out, we can be confident in knowing that God will always take care of us… and you know what? I’m so glad He did!

Thursday, May 7, 2009

I'm feelin it. Are you?

lights

Do you ever get that feeling when you know something big is about to happen? Through all the ups and downs of life, many of us hold on to this hope... a faith that things will be better- much better than they were before? Well, I've been having a little of that feeling lately. As you know, change never comes without the loss of something important to some degree.

Last week, I found out that I am moving to Las Vegas. That's pretty cool, I guess. I mean, I 've never been there before, and the only definitive picture of the place that I have in my head is a hot sandy desert with a strip in the middle... and an airforce base somewhere nerby. There will be a lot of changes there for me, and right now I'm in that "hurry up and wait" stage of moving. In the meantime, I will have to be separated from Jon again! For about 5 months while he trains for his new job.

Although it will be tough, I'm pretty excited to go, and I definitely feel a change inside of me. I'm not the same as I was when I left Minneapolis. I've grown a bit- no matter how short of a time I've been away. I've acquired some very valuable friendships. I don't regret a minute of my time here... and now all I can do is continue to feel the anticipation- and the pangs of change.

Monday, April 6, 2009

On the road again

the-long-road

So, I'm sitting here with my gym clothes on trying to figure out what work out to do today.

A friend of mine suggested going on women's health to see if they have any good workouts to choose.

I'm telling you the truth: I was on there for less than twenty minutes and my self- concept is falling through the floor.

Its tough being a part of society today, where views of beauty are so different from what God has in mind. Although it is important to eat and live in a healthy manner, I can't help but think that the methods that you choose to maintain your health should NOT make you feel bad about how you look. So much of the issue stems from media portrayals of beautiful women with rock hard abs, and long flowing hair. Many of whom never had children or battled cellulite. I am more motivated when I see a woman who has been where I am and achieved great results. That's why I really enjoy the Biggest Loser, because real people work hard- not to look like supermodels, but because they come to a realization that life is fleeting, and it will fleet even sooner if they don't become healthy. They do it correctly, without steroids or plastic surgery. I believe that this is very honorable.

So what's wrong with exercising not to lose weight? What if I like my love handles? I often say my winter fat keeps me warm:-) God never said dwell upon the earth and kill yourself to get skinny. He did say to take care of my body as it is a temple, but most importantly that I am Fearfully and Wonderfully made... JUST THE WAY THAT I AM!

So will the media ever wise up and stop promoting what makes those who are not the societal standard of beauty second guess their God given gorgeousness?  Maybe not in America, but like the Dove Campaign, some organizations are taking steps to traverse the long road of re-defining true beauty.  I think I'm gonna get on the band-wagon. :-)

Friday, April 3, 2009

The case of the missing tooth

spokane-life-075

Sometimes I think that blogging should be rather insightful or compel one to a place of deep introspection, yet today, after writing like 7 papers, I just feel like keeping it simple and talking about my puppy.

Yep, its Morgan, the black and fuzzy ball of fur that chews on every detached object in her path. As I speak, she's got a water bottle in her grasp and the cap in her mouth.

Unfortunately for her, lately she's been losing teeth like crazy. A little while ago, we were playing catch in the backyard and when she retrieved the ball, it was covered in blood! I freaked about a bit and then peered into her mouth to find a canine milk tooth hanging on for dear life. I didn't want to yank it out, so I dropped the ball and created a diversion of water fun.

When she was finished playing, of course she was wet and muddy, so she had to get dried off. I wrapped her in a towel and rubbed her gums gently while she like expected, chewed on my hand through the towel. She got up to leave and voila! I once loosed tooth on the floor!!

Oh yeah, this tooth will be the one I keep as a souvenir, because I can't seem to find any of the other ones she's lost!

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

The Plight of a Spring day

So, as you know, last week we celebrated the first day of spring. Hooray! Does that mean the cold snaps and surprise snowfalls will come to an end? I hope so, but its hard to tell in Washington. Predicting the weather here is like predicting the weather in Minnesota. You never know what you're gonna get. All you can do is pray for sunshine at night, and cautiously peel back the curtains to look outside in the morning. I do that often with a grimace, much like taking off a band-aid. That's pretty sad, don't you think?

I wonder what it would be like to wake up to the sunshine and warm weather everyday. I guess it could get old. You wake up and peel back the curtains with a smile and squinty eyes instead. When the unexpected rain or snowfall comes, it would be met with celebration and a day of cancellations... for good reasons, or course.

I guess I'm ok with Spring in Spokane. I might not be met with the sunshine, but I always wake up to a breath-taking view of the mountains!

mountains-cov1

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Take it easy


tree in the park





















I was writing to a friend on Facebook and realized that I had been living through a time where laughter fails to comfort the heart. It reminded me of a Tim Hughes song called “When the tears fall.” It was pretty depressing to thing about… that my own laughter wasn’t real and that the longings of sadness inside overwhelmed me.


For a time, there was an end to this. An exchange with God made me laugh recently. It was pretty interesting. Maybe He knew that I needed it. I was talking to Him in my head and looking in the mirror. It was like He was asking me to look at my image- that I am a mirror of His likeness and I started to chuckle and laugh like He was playing Peek-a-boo with me. It was authentic joy, and no matter how brief it was, it helped me make it through the day.


I wanted to call an end to my sadness and thought maybe there was something that I wasn’t doing right or something that God wanted to speak to me about. I noticed that I kept beating myself up because I wanted to show God that I was sacrificing in my heart and wanted to get closer to Him. This may because of my beginnings in faith- an understanding of God painted in an overly religious and almost rip your clothes and wear sackcloth fashion. I wanted to declare a ten day fast to press in and show Him I was serious. It is great to spend some time in solitude… we all grow from that, but I just realized that my motivations for the pursuit were stemming from an unhealthy place. I realized that I needed to stop beating myself up, and that I truly am living a life of solitude. I am without my husband, grieving my home… and my children.


If a fast is withholding from yourself something that you desperately want in order to pursue God, this is my life. There is no one that I’d rather be with than those of family, familiar friendship and those who have seemingly tied themselves around my heart. Of this “fasting” I have no other choice. I just have to stop running and let Him make me laugh- because in that I will find healing and comfort. I think I’m finally beginning to understand that I am right where I’m supposed to be.