Saturday, September 22, 2012

Complete Mother of Two

Disclaimer: This is a post-c section rant that I need to release. My system is full of pain meds and I am exhausted. If I sound a little out of it, this is why. I can’t help it…writing is such beautiful therapy and I need it right now…plus, I ran out of chocolate. lol

I’ve never had a pregnancy without some sort of complication. As I sit here in the wake of my second c-section and 4th son to be born, I feel like I am finished. There are so many beautiful joys of the process of getting our little miracles here. For some, the journey is easier than others. 

There has been a nagging question in my mind lately- am I finished? Many mommies do not feel complete without having a clone of their own to do hair, paint nails and wear matching outfits. After birthing 4 boys (2 in heaven), I’m starting to feel like I don’t need a daughter to feel ‘complete’ as a mom.  Unfortunately for me, the pressure is all too real for me to keep trying. “You’re still young, don’t make that decision now.” “You know you gotta have your daughter.” Is what I always hear… or “the next one will be a girl.”  I have to admit, those words make me a little offended. Its not like I can choose the gender of the child that I will be having, It’s the blessing of God to welcome whatever gender I am given. For our family, boys are our blessing. 

So, I’ve been toying with this question as to whether or not I will be finished with pregnancies- especially yesterday. As I sat numbly under the effects of an epidural, a thin blue paper sheet covering a delicate dance of scalpels and incisions, the smell of my own cauterized flesh almost solidified the decision in my mind. This is never the way I wanted it to be. For the duration of my life, if pregnancies continue, they will be marked by cerclages, repeat c-sections, pelvic rest until delivery, no exercise, pre-term birth at 36-37 weeks and the frustration of jump starting milk supplies and a very painful recovery. When I look into the eyes of my sons, yes I always will decide that the journey was undeniably worth it, but I think it is a journey that I no longer want to take. 

Being a mother of two will allow me and my husband to pour into and invest in the lives of our sons. We will be in a better place financially to bless and support them in ways that our own parents were unable. We can spend the intentional time and effort needed to truly follow the heart and leading of God to craft them into wonderful well-rounded men. It has always been a desire of mine that none of my children be left behind or feel neglected. I honestly can not envision balancing more than two in order to keep this desire. 

This is not to say adoption is not an eventual option. I just think the journey of my own body birthing sweeties into the world is about over. 

My prayer:

Lord, you see my heart. You know the journey, joys and pains that child birth has brought to me.

I never desire to put you in a box, but I am so very tired. Tired of mourning, tired of pain, tired of worry. 

Ready to love, ready to smile. Ready to give the best of me, ready to celebrate my grounded family. Ready to fall deeper in love with my husband, ready to pursue my dreams. 

Ready to travel, ready to worship! Lead me in the way that I should go. Let me know your undeniable grace and peace concerning my family and your plan for me. I love you with all that I am. I need You to the very core of me. 

Thank you that you do not condemn my heart. Thank you for your loving arms that surround me. 

-Mel