For a few years I've felt like my heart has been bleeding. During my husbands first duty station at Fairchild AFB in Spokane, Washington, I found myself in the wake of a great tragedy, falling apart, but excited. Away from my family, but closer to my husband...but I couldn't help but shake and incessant and tangible loneliness that was creeping in.
Unfortunately, loneliness was something I was far too familiar with. I can recall that in high school and some of college I was so familiar with the empty feeling that it had become a comfortable home for me-almost a depression. Deep down I craved real friendship. I knew that there had to be something better than living under a dark cloud everyday.
One day after the move, as I settled into our new home on base, I couldn't help but notice a neighbor. I soon found out that her name was Jessica. She had a sweet daughter and two crazy dogs. Immediately I knew I had found a treasure.
Soon she was dragging me out of the house to go on walks with her and the dogs. I had a puppy of my own and we would have play dates together.
A few weeks later, I got a frantic knock at the door. It was Jessica's daughter. She told me that her mom was unconscious on the floor and she couldn't wake her. I ran over, called 911 and tried to calm her daughter while we waited for the paramedics to arrive. Jessica had recently had knee surgery and the prescribed meds built up in her system- so much to cause her to lose consciousness. I was able to help save her life that day, but little did she know that she was saving mine.
After that incident, we became close friends fast- having movie nights, cooking dinners together, hitting up the gym. Our husband's were both gone for weeks at a time because of training, so we kind of became family. I remember on Easter, I woke up in the morning to Jessica in a bunny suit with a basket of goodies she put together. I'd never had a friend so thoughtful, and her actions will be forever etched in my heart.
Unfortunately, my husband wasn't able to finish that particular season of training and we were to be reassigned immediately. I was devastated. The one friend I had waited my whole life for was going to be gone, and there was nothing that could change that. We kept in contact after the move with calls, letters and care packages but as the happenings of life progressed, our contact became more and more infrequent. I knew things were never the same. They couldn't be. Our circumstances were very different. Sometimes life just happens like that.
After the ordeal, I kind of locked my heart away for my heart was broken. Deeply pained. I just kept plugging forward. Having more children, spending time with my husband- but when he was gone I was still very lonely. I'd make friends- even good ones, but I would often compare them to the one I had...never fully going all in. Quite possibly from the fear that it wouldn't last. I sometimes found myself becoming jealous of friendships that others had. I was grieving the loss of a treasure. Silently praying for restoration.
It's amazing how God brings things back around. After years of loneliness and isolation, I now have many ladies in my life that I cherish dearly as forever friends. Each has a different role in my life and a special place in my heart. Each one is a dear treasure. For the one I lost, I gained so many more, and I am so grateful. I know I missed so many opportunities of true friendship after locking my heart away. How I wish I would have kept my heart open! It would have spared me from years of dismal loneliness.
Some of my most beloved practices today are because of my friend Jessica's influence- the way I love drinking vanilla chai tea in the evenings...my love for kettlebell training, passion for the great outdoors, being a dog lover and getting hooked on Bones. Even though that season is gone, I took away so much. I am better for it.
If you've ever suffered the deep heart wound of a shattered relationship, don't lose hope. God truly restores all things. You may not have that specific relationship again, but your heart can be restored. I can attest to that. If you have a friendship like this now, then cherish every moment.
Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 says:
"Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble."
We were made for real friendship. We were made for real community. Embrace friendship today even if there is a chance of becoming wounded, for real friendship brings real healing.
Love,
-Mel
