I was writing to a friend on Facebook and realized that I had been living through a time where laughter fails to comfort the heart. It reminded me of a Tim Hughes song called “When the tears fall.” It was pretty depressing to thing about… that my own laughter wasn’t real and that the longings of sadness inside overwhelmed me.
For a time, there was an end to this. An exchange with God made me laugh recently. It was pretty interesting. Maybe He knew that I needed it. I was talking to Him in my head and looking in the mirror. It was like He was asking me to look at my image- that I am a mirror of His likeness and I started to chuckle and laugh like He was playing Peek-a-boo with me. It was authentic joy, and no matter how brief it was, it helped me make it through the day.
I wanted to call an end to my sadness and thought maybe there was something that I wasn’t doing right or something that God wanted to speak to me about. I noticed that I kept beating myself up because I wanted to show God that I was sacrificing in my heart and wanted to get closer to Him. This may because of my beginnings in faith- an understanding of God painted in an overly religious and almost rip your clothes and wear sackcloth fashion. I wanted to declare a ten day fast to press in and show Him I was serious. It is great to spend some time in solitude… we all grow from that, but I just realized that my motivations for the pursuit were stemming from an unhealthy place. I realized that I needed to stop beating myself up, and that I truly am living a life of solitude. I am without my husband, grieving my home… and my children.
If a fast is withholding from yourself something that you desperately want in order to pursue God, this is my life. There is no one that I’d rather be with than those of family, familiar friendship and those who have seemingly tied themselves around my heart. Of this “fasting” I have no other choice. I just have to stop running and let Him make me laugh- because in that I will find healing and comfort. I think I’m finally beginning to understand that I am right where I’m supposed to be.
