Making it through

When faced will the challenge of being separated from the one that you love the most, what do you do? How do you cope? My life has consisted of short-lived attempts and vain strivings to keep it all together. Its so crazy- sometimes I even feel like I don't have enough air to breathe... and usually when I've lost all hope, a glimmer of strength comes to me and breaks the dam in my heart to become an ocean and I find myself lost amidst the waves.

The sea churns me and the waters spray upon my pain and break across the rocks of the rigid chasm of despair. Its pretty cool, and I think its the perfect timing of God Himself. Its like if I got any lower in my sadness, the bottom of whatever I was standing upon would have fallen out. I would have run away and joined the peace corps and quit school, never to be heard from again... at least until I knew I could be free to be re-united with my love again.

In the midst of such a separation, it sometimes seems like beauty is useless. Sometimes I look very well put together with no love to admire my outfit or play with the plaits of my hair. If he could only feel how soft it is! I sometimes say to myself. If he could only be with me right now in my room and listen to the song I wrote, or read this poem. He'd love this poem! Its crazy how you never know how much you value someones presence and opinion until they are gone. Then everything is a loss. What do I do now?

I live every day on the strength of those waves, and when they wain to just a salty drop, I close my eyes...I hold my breath until the waters come crashing in again, and when I open my eyes I find once again that I've made it. I'm making it... through.

The Girl in the Mirror

Crashing down around me

the security of what I was

the feelings deep inside me

Once obscure, on the surface

Now I try to find me

In the midst of this confusion

is this feeling inside me

just an illusion?

Today, I've felt an overwhelming negative self concept.

Its crazy just how powerful image can be. The whole ordeal may be the emotional upheaval of everything that I've encountered over the last few weeks: seeing materialism- absurd in all forms, figuring out what to do with soon coming wealth, seeing Jon and leaving- feeling the deep absence of the strength and completeness that comes with his presence, and mourning the loss of our sons.

Over the last few days I've wanted to buy a wig, go running until I couldn't stand anymore, eat chocolate until there was none left...anywhere, fast for spiritual reasons- but even that wouldn't work because the dysfunctionality of everything I am feeling is so overwhelming, it wouldn't be healthy. Nothing that I planned or wanted to do has happened and its probably a good thing.

No money for a wig, tried jogging and got a side ache so bad the first few blocks I couldn't run anymore, and I fasted until lunch. Afterward I binged so badly I needed to re-think the week of fasting I had planned. I knew it wouldn't benefit me much and would bruise me emotionally.

I decided later to try a positive fast, where I ate right instead, still prayed as usual, read the bible, watched positive shows on tv, if any tv at all and played with different styles on my own hair.

I'm still trying to figure out all of the Psychological implications of this entire ordeal, but I haven't been liking the girl in the mirror and I have a problem with that. I have been eating, drinking, sleeping and acting out of painful emotions that I have not yet confronted. I'll try tonight. I have to fight through this. I need to get to a healthy place again.

If you are wondering, I once had an eating disorder- in middle school. It was a long time ago, but only about 35% of women who have had one ever completely heal. I'm a part of the 65% who haven't...and I've got a girl in the mirror to face. Let's go.

Sharing a bathroom?

This weekend, I'm visiting my husband at Lackland AFB in San Antonio. I've been enjoying the sights, bought groceries and have been enjoying the weather. I've also been hanging out in my hotel room... a LOT. Not because I am a hermit or anything. I just haven't had the amenities of a room like this in a long time. I have the bathroom fully stocked with all of my showering supplies, towels and the like. There is no bathtub, so I can't make much use of my bath salts but that's ok. My stay has been quaint and comfortable.

A little earlier today, I hear a bit of commotion coming from the other side of my bathroom door. I checked it out, noticing there were doors on either side of the bathroom- like my bathroom and the one next door were connected. I could have sworn in heard someone using it on the other side the previous evening. It was no biggie- I'd seen it before.

Jon came to join me later on that evening and we ate, watched part of a movie and went to sleep. At around midnight, I hear a rather frantic knocking on the bathroom door.  I'm comfortably in my skivvy's, tucked away in my bed. The door is rattling and the handle shaking loudly. By this time, Jon and I are sitting up in bed like "what the heck is going on?!" A few seconds later, we get a knock on our hotel room door. I'm thinking, there must be some kind of emergency, like maybe there is a fire or a burgular on the loose, wreaking havoc on the place. Instead, I hear a rather irritated womans voice say "Can you please unlock the bathroom door?"

By this time, Jon is up, walking groggily to the door and yells something, still in-between sleep. He unlocks the knob and we soon find out that we share a bathroom with the room next to us! AGHH!

Now, at first both of us are pretty perturbed about the whole thing. You mean to tell me when I checked in the afternoon before, no one felt the need to let me know I was sharing a bathroom? I quickly got up and checked all of our literature given by the hotel for the fine print, and Jon tried to call the front desk- to no avail for him. Finally, in the list of housekeeping duties of what services will be completed- one line tells it all: Toilets in shared bathrooms will be cleaned daily.

I share the news with Jon, who is now seething. I'm agitated, but trying hard to make light of the rather uncomfortable situation. I actually had to pray to calm down and help us gain some perspective. After a bit more venting, we settled back into bed. I obviously couldn't get back to sleep as i am writing this now, at 1:13AM. All I can say is... WOW (rather flatly).

Next time I check into a hotel, inquiring about sharing a bathroom will definitely be one of the first things on my list!