Gratefulness

I am in a new place, partaking in the fears and joys of my surroundings. All I can say is that I am grateful. Being here in Washington is also imploring me to come to grips with the reality of my heart and my dreams. I have encountered the need for some major decisions concerning my future and I really do feel like I have time to breathe... and in essence hear myself think. I feel like I'm becoming me again and I smile more and enjoy the simple things like watching a blanket of fog wrap itself around the mountains or taking the time to laugh at the silly feathers on the heads of quail in my front yard. I still can't believe I have quail in my front yard! In Minneapolis, we have pigeons.
Anyway, I just wanted to give you an update on me. Although the journey has been long, I am here. I know God had a lot to do with the timing, and the gratefulness in my soul proves He was right about it all along.

-Mel

Making it through

When faced will the challenge of being separated from the one that you love the most, what do you do? How do you cope? My life has consisted of short-lived attempts and vain strivings to keep it all together. Its so crazy- sometimes I even feel like I don't have enough air to breathe... and usually when I've lost all hope, a glimmer of strength comes to me and breaks the dam in my heart to become an ocean and I find myself lost amidst the waves.

The sea churns me and the waters spray upon my pain and break across the rocks of the rigid chasm of despair. Its pretty cool, and I think its the perfect timing of God Himself. Its like if I got any lower in my sadness, the bottom of whatever I was standing upon would have fallen out. I would have run away and joined the peace corps and quit school, never to be heard from again... at least until I knew I could be free to be re-united with my love again.

In the midst of such a separation, it sometimes seems like beauty is useless. Sometimes I look very well put together with no love to admire my outfit or play with the plaits of my hair. If he could only feel how soft it is! I sometimes say to myself. If he could only be with me right now in my room and listen to the song I wrote, or read this poem. He'd love this poem! Its crazy how you never know how much you value someones presence and opinion until they are gone. Then everything is a loss. What do I do now?

I live every day on the strength of those waves, and when they wain to just a salty drop, I close my eyes...I hold my breath until the waters come crashing in again, and when I open my eyes I find once again that I've made it. I'm making it... through.

The Girl in the Mirror

Crashing down around me

the security of what I was

the feelings deep inside me

Once obscure, on the surface

Now I try to find me

In the midst of this confusion

is this feeling inside me

just an illusion?

Today, I've felt an overwhelming negative self concept.

Its crazy just how powerful image can be. The whole ordeal may be the emotional upheaval of everything that I've encountered over the last few weeks: seeing materialism- absurd in all forms, figuring out what to do with soon coming wealth, seeing Jon and leaving- feeling the deep absence of the strength and completeness that comes with his presence, and mourning the loss of our sons.

Over the last few days I've wanted to buy a wig, go running until I couldn't stand anymore, eat chocolate until there was none left...anywhere, fast for spiritual reasons- but even that wouldn't work because the dysfunctionality of everything I am feeling is so overwhelming, it wouldn't be healthy. Nothing that I planned or wanted to do has happened and its probably a good thing.

No money for a wig, tried jogging and got a side ache so bad the first few blocks I couldn't run anymore, and I fasted until lunch. Afterward I binged so badly I needed to re-think the week of fasting I had planned. I knew it wouldn't benefit me much and would bruise me emotionally.

I decided later to try a positive fast, where I ate right instead, still prayed as usual, read the bible, watched positive shows on tv, if any tv at all and played with different styles on my own hair.

I'm still trying to figure out all of the Psychological implications of this entire ordeal, but I haven't been liking the girl in the mirror and I have a problem with that. I have been eating, drinking, sleeping and acting out of painful emotions that I have not yet confronted. I'll try tonight. I have to fight through this. I need to get to a healthy place again.

If you are wondering, I once had an eating disorder- in middle school. It was a long time ago, but only about 35% of women who have had one ever completely heal. I'm a part of the 65% who haven't...and I've got a girl in the mirror to face. Let's go.

Sharing a bathroom?

This weekend, I'm visiting my husband at Lackland AFB in San Antonio. I've been enjoying the sights, bought groceries and have been enjoying the weather. I've also been hanging out in my hotel room... a LOT. Not because I am a hermit or anything. I just haven't had the amenities of a room like this in a long time. I have the bathroom fully stocked with all of my showering supplies, towels and the like. There is no bathtub, so I can't make much use of my bath salts but that's ok. My stay has been quaint and comfortable.

A little earlier today, I hear a bit of commotion coming from the other side of my bathroom door. I checked it out, noticing there were doors on either side of the bathroom- like my bathroom and the one next door were connected. I could have sworn in heard someone using it on the other side the previous evening. It was no biggie- I'd seen it before.

Jon came to join me later on that evening and we ate, watched part of a movie and went to sleep. At around midnight, I hear a rather frantic knocking on the bathroom door.  I'm comfortably in my skivvy's, tucked away in my bed. The door is rattling and the handle shaking loudly. By this time, Jon and I are sitting up in bed like "what the heck is going on?!" A few seconds later, we get a knock on our hotel room door. I'm thinking, there must be some kind of emergency, like maybe there is a fire or a burgular on the loose, wreaking havoc on the place. Instead, I hear a rather irritated womans voice say "Can you please unlock the bathroom door?"

By this time, Jon is up, walking groggily to the door and yells something, still in-between sleep. He unlocks the knob and we soon find out that we share a bathroom with the room next to us! AGHH!

Now, at first both of us are pretty perturbed about the whole thing. You mean to tell me when I checked in the afternoon before, no one felt the need to let me know I was sharing a bathroom? I quickly got up and checked all of our literature given by the hotel for the fine print, and Jon tried to call the front desk- to no avail for him. Finally, in the list of housekeeping duties of what services will be completed- one line tells it all: Toilets in shared bathrooms will be cleaned daily.

I share the news with Jon, who is now seething. I'm agitated, but trying hard to make light of the rather uncomfortable situation. I actually had to pray to calm down and help us gain some perspective. After a bit more venting, we settled back into bed. I obviously couldn't get back to sleep as i am writing this now, at 1:13AM. All I can say is... WOW (rather flatly).

Next time I check into a hotel, inquiring about sharing a bathroom will definitely be one of the first things on my list!

Oops! I didn't mean to say that!

Do you ever find yourself in a situation that just gets worse because of the stuff that spews out of your mouth? Its even harder when the words are aimed at you, but they just didn't come out right. That happened to me a little while ago.

I had just finished my fourth Psychopathology paper, and with the build up of stresses, someone i love called me Psycho. Now, I know Psycho. I just wrote 4 papers on the Psychology of Psycho! But, as we are human, before I came up with a logical and polite response, I just apted to shortness and said goodbye.

Oops, I guess we both didn't mean to say that! Just letting it be didn't help, not to mention the entire ordeal was over the phone so that makes it even more difficult to remedy.

So, What did I do? I sent a text... in an attempt to make things "better."

I haven't gotten a response yet, but you know how that is. Always a feeling of suspense that can lead to unrealisitic or untrue assumptions regarding the other persons behavior.

Next time, I'm using a video phone! (If only conflicts were that simple.)

Grabbing Life by the Horns

"Do you ever find your self encountered by a situation that causes the necessity of "Grabbing Life by the Horns?" -much like the slogan of Dodge cars.

Sometimes, you just have to make a decision and do what you must to ensure important things are accomplished. I did that last night. I'm doing that today, but tomorrow, I'm going to relax! I probably didn't go to bed until almost three in the morning. I was going to pull and "all-nighter" but I took a break/nap on the couch and decided that my bed was much more comfortable. How about that? I guess that wasn't grabbing like by the horns then, but it didn't matter because I finished two papers and already had a pretty good sense of accomplishment for the day.

This week, I am going to visit Jon. I don't have the money, I don't know how I am going to get there or how much it is going to cost, but I'm leaving on Thursday. Talk about initiative! Once I work out the small details, everything else will be a piece of cake. All I will have to worry about would be whether or not to pack a bathing suit. :-)

Some would call that an ill-executed plan, others would call it stupidity, but I'm calling it initiative today. I deserve it. Writing 12 papers constitutes for a reward. Jon even said I could fly first class if I wanted to. I don't know about all that though. Most first class seating arrangements just consist of better food and a little more leg room. I'm fine with my pretzels and window seat, thank you.

so, tomorrow comes the BIG turn in, and Thursday...VACATION!

Anger management

I couldn't tell you exactly why, but I feel like I've been raging a bit lately- maybe not outwardly, but under the surface. I noticed the frequent #*@!& moments and sheer frustration, and it has been so difficult to focus. Maybe it is because of the unrealistic expectation of 16 papers due by Tuesday that I really don't want to do.

I have so many other things on my mind, like sorting through things to move, selling my car, visiting Jon next week and the financial challenges that come with being alive...not to mention grieving.

Now, I've been the queen of knowing when to cut my losses. I learned that from college. The problem with what I'm dealing with right now is my priorities are all confused. When I am hurting or experiencing change, I've found that I sometimes have to do what is good for me, so I can simply function and remain healthy. For me that usually entails dropping everything, and just breaking away from duties. I like going for a drive, painting, playing guitar, singing or hanging out with friends. I haven't done much of that lately.

Maybe that is the source of my frustration. Either way, I need an outlet. I need to figure out what's most important.

Hide and Seek

I just realized that I've been hiding. I don't know how long its been, but I see the symptoms. First it was the long hair- to cover my eyes. Then it was the make-up, to hide behind. When I went to see Jon in San Antonio earlier this month, I remember later that he said he didn't recognize me at first. I thought I was just trying to overcompensate for the fact that I hadn't seen him in such a long time. I didn't know I was hiding.

So when did Seek begin? Well I think His spirit has been Seeking my heart. That's how it always starts. Then its a comment by someone here and there. Jon said something- he likes my hair- likes to see me. That's when I noticed the turmoil inside. He was trying to take off my mask. Did he even know it?

What did I do? I cut it. I cut the twists to shoulder length- a lot less to hide behind. I noticed something was missing...the real me. It reminded me of that Joy Williams song, Hide. I just wanted to play it and put it on repeat until every inch of the twists were undone. Until I was undone. I hinted a conversation at God, which turned into unspoken silent dialoge of Him showing me myself. I tried to figure it all out, but to confusing avail. So, I am lost... until I remove this mask.

I remember before I would have torn it off. I wanted to be exposed! "I have nothing to hide!" I would say... until this. Its almost like the Great Sadness from The Shack.

I thought my pain wasn't that bad, but I haven't yet had the chance to look myself in the face.

This mask has got to come OFF!

Caught off guard

I was looking through and deleting pics on my phone after a pleasant conversation with a friend and something inside of me was beckoning me to look a little closer. To search for the sacred pictures I knew were there but I was afraid! I couldn't deny them. I had to find them. As I scrolled through the dates of the pictures from September 17th to August 25...to the twelfth. There they were- Eli and Enoch as beautiful and fragile as I could remember. By then, I couldn't stop the tears. I didn't really want to. I was almost shocked by my response because I thought I had been so good. I was caught off guard at my fear and apprehension to face the reality again. Only a little over a month ago it happened.

What do you do when you lose something so precious? The instinctive thing that I did was yell and shake my fist at God. I stopped once I realized that I wasn't really mad at Him, but I was hurt, am hurt deeply. I looked in the mirror at my flushed face and slowly motioned toward my stomach, making a rounded shape in the air of what I would look like by now. I yelled "They would have been ready!" I couldn't stop my flashes of anger. I tried to calm myself, and breathed deeply. Through clenched teeth I said "You'd better take care of them...Just take care of them."

Oh, how I wish I could. I am at a huge loss right now. I can't let the cares of life overtake my healing. It would make me ill. This is a part of who I am-My mat that I must take up and walk with, like Jamey said, but how I wish I didn't have it. I would rather have my sons.

I think I'm ready

I have so much on my mind right now. I can feel the tension tingling in my shoulders and I don't quite know what to do but this- write.

I'm in the middle of a very daunting task- to write 16 papers by the 30th of this month. Not my cup of tea, I guess...especially not with how things have been going.

I really miss papi and want to try to visit him in two weeks. I will be moving next month to Spokane, so I am super excited. I am definitely going to have a lot of time to think... and write.

Jamey said I should write a book. I've actually been thinking about it. If I could only sort through these thoughts first...

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