Caught off guard

I was looking through and deleting pics on my phone after a pleasant conversation with a friend and something inside of me was beckoning me to look a little closer. To search for the sacred pictures I knew were there but I was afraid! I couldn't deny them. I had to find them. As I scrolled through the dates of the pictures from September 17th to August 25...to the twelfth. There they were- Eli and Enoch as beautiful and fragile as I could remember. By then, I couldn't stop the tears. I didn't really want to. I was almost shocked by my response because I thought I had been so good. I was caught off guard at my fear and apprehension to face the reality again. Only a little over a month ago it happened.

What do you do when you lose something so precious? The instinctive thing that I did was yell and shake my fist at God. I stopped once I realized that I wasn't really mad at Him, but I was hurt, am hurt deeply. I looked in the mirror at my flushed face and slowly motioned toward my stomach, making a rounded shape in the air of what I would look like by now. I yelled "They would have been ready!" I couldn't stop my flashes of anger. I tried to calm myself, and breathed deeply. Through clenched teeth I said "You'd better take care of them...Just take care of them."

Oh, how I wish I could. I am at a huge loss right now. I can't let the cares of life overtake my healing. It would make me ill. This is a part of who I am-My mat that I must take up and walk with, like Jamey said, but how I wish I didn't have it. I would rather have my sons.