The Girl in the Mirror

Crashing down around me

the security of what I was

the feelings deep inside me

Once obscure, on the surface

Now I try to find me

In the midst of this confusion

is this feeling inside me

just an illusion?

Today, I've felt an overwhelming negative self concept.

Its crazy just how powerful image can be. The whole ordeal may be the emotional upheaval of everything that I've encountered over the last few weeks: seeing materialism- absurd in all forms, figuring out what to do with soon coming wealth, seeing Jon and leaving- feeling the deep absence of the strength and completeness that comes with his presence, and mourning the loss of our sons.

Over the last few days I've wanted to buy a wig, go running until I couldn't stand anymore, eat chocolate until there was none left...anywhere, fast for spiritual reasons- but even that wouldn't work because the dysfunctionality of everything I am feeling is so overwhelming, it wouldn't be healthy. Nothing that I planned or wanted to do has happened and its probably a good thing.

No money for a wig, tried jogging and got a side ache so bad the first few blocks I couldn't run anymore, and I fasted until lunch. Afterward I binged so badly I needed to re-think the week of fasting I had planned. I knew it wouldn't benefit me much and would bruise me emotionally.

I decided later to try a positive fast, where I ate right instead, still prayed as usual, read the bible, watched positive shows on tv, if any tv at all and played with different styles on my own hair.

I'm still trying to figure out all of the Psychological implications of this entire ordeal, but I haven't been liking the girl in the mirror and I have a problem with that. I have been eating, drinking, sleeping and acting out of painful emotions that I have not yet confronted. I'll try tonight. I have to fight through this. I need to get to a healthy place again.

If you are wondering, I once had an eating disorder- in middle school. It was a long time ago, but only about 35% of women who have had one ever completely heal. I'm a part of the 65% who haven't...and I've got a girl in the mirror to face. Let's go.