Truth.

Something has been happening lately... filling my house. I hear the sounds of tiny feet running across my floors. Shrieking laughter in every room. There are children everywhere...but not just any children. They are Christmas children. You know, the ones filled with contagious anticipation, delight and hundreds of questions about Santa, Jesus, snow and cookies. They want stories, presents, chocolate and warm blankets. I'm loving every minute of it.

As I tucked three extra kids in bed tonight, I couldn't help but think "I can do this...I could be a mom of six." Joy mingled with sorrow stretched across my heart during the holiday, as I tried not to think too deeply about the ones that I've lost. Far too many have shared such pain. True joy is only felt by the hand of God concerning these because His love is the only love that can fill such a deep void.

I've noticed during the last few weeks driving in the car or celebrating with loved ones that there was an undeniable feeling of someone missing. I would even find myself scanning the room, counting little fuzzy heads to make sure all of my little ones were there. They were, so why the empty feeling? Why now after all of these years? My mother in law offered that the feeling was because there are two missing. Speaking so freely of lives lost can be healing but shocking to the heart at the same time. I'm not always ready.

I've been seeking my heart about what my deepest issues are. In reality, I have so much more to pour into the lives of my sons. In reality I would love a house full of children. In reality, I'm tired of others trying to steer me away from adoption. "Too many issues, too much baggage...too much trouble." Not to over-spiritualize things, but we so quickly forget that we too were adopted into the family of God- all with too much baggage, loads of trouble and far too many issues... but this adoption is what saved my life. It made me new. It was everything I ever needed and more. That's what I can give a child. Would it be crazy tough? Yes. Would it be a huge sacrifice? definitely. Would it be stretching? Of course...but it would be so worth it.

---

Putting aside all that others think
My heart yearns for more
My tears are held behind a dam
so easily implored.
my heart pulses with aching love
at the thought of your sweet face
As we dance hand in hand
swirling round' the room in gowns of lace
To brush your hair or spend some time
doing what little girls do
would make my heart come alive each day
 with more deep love for you
so don't lose hope dear heart of mine
I know your aching still
but love desired has come alive
and you can't break loves will.

---

So how would it come about? The art of acquiring more children? Honestly, the thought of bearing more almost terrifies me. I could imagine myself pregnant, but extra stuff- shots, surgeries, c-sections, bed-rest...no. Not again. I was thinking to myself the other day how I was very brave for every child that God blessed me with. It's not that I'm not brave anymore. It's mostly because my stores of strength to employ such bravery have been depleted by the sleepless nights of caring for tender hearts and lives.

 While balancing my boys, I can't see myself going through all of that. Someone is bound to be neglected and I can't do that. I am finally to the point where my middle son, Gideon is getting the attention he needs. He was 10 months old when I found out I was pregnant, He went from being the center of my universe to being handed off to the nearest relative because my days were filled with the happenings of pregnancy. My milk dried up and I could no longer nurse him. My arms were weak to carry him. I needed so much rest and he needed so much of my love. My heart still breaks for him because even in his birth he was ripped away almost immediately from my arms. I held him seconds after his birth, then did not see him or hold him for days. It was the same thing for my oldest. It was at least a month before I held him for the first time. Ethan is the only one who has always been with me and I find already that I'm letting go more and more as he grows to change the world.

This feeling may pass for a while, but I know it will return. It always seems to come alive when I'm around little girls. Yeah, it's not baby fever. It's son joy and daughter fever.

Buy Her Time

Photo Credit: Anthony Green

You see her on the streets.
Adorned in flecks of gold.
Glance into her eyes,
Her story is untold.
How did she come to be,
A woman selling skin?
In it for the money?
Her heart will never win.
She sleeps alone at night,
Her soul is yearning still,
For life to deal her a hand,
That can fit the bill.
She'll change it all one day.
She's worth more than a dime.
If only He would come,
Come along and buy her time.

There is a prostitution ring near my house. You can't miss it. Women walking around barely wearing anything. Lingering customers scouting the streets for the cops. Each precious life screams a different story. When I first witnessed the exchanges of these women, I was a little taken aback. Why so close to my house? Where are the cops? This is unacceptable!

As the weeks went by, my heart began to break. As I would turn the corner to get onto the highway, I would catch a glimpse of their faces. Daughters, mothers, sisters. Beautiful, bruised and searching. Some were confident, while others were hiding in their barely clothed skin. I wanted to help! If there was a way that I could set them free. Show them their worth! Change everything...although some do not want to change. Some think it's normal, but I know the truth. I want to tell them they are worth so much more than what can be found underneath their clothes, or the "favors" they can do. I want to tell them...no scream to them how beautiful they are. How dearly loved they are. How they can dance again. How they can dream again.

This led me to the thought of buying their time. Would there be a safe way that I could buy their time? Tell the cops and set it up. Come in a different car. Lavish them with blessings and take them out to lunch. We'd chat about life. Chat about their kids...talk about their dreams and hear their stories unfold. No judgement. Just love. Is it feasible? If not, I still wouldn't care, because I know of a Savior that will move heaven and earth to show me His great love- no matter how much of a mess I'm in. Everyone deserves this gift.

Now, I can't drive by these precious ones without being in tears. I can't hold it together anymore. My heart is for them, just like God's heart is for them. It's amazing how things change when you get a glimpse of God's heart for someone else. It's life-changing. I wonder what it would be like if I caught a glimpse of God's heart for me. Would I be more intentional? Love better? Try more instead of giving up? Pass less judgement on others? Maybe.

Know this my friend, God is going to use the prostitutes! Jesus loves redeeming the broken. Don't sleep on these beloved ones, because when His love rushes in, it's like a hurricane. I can't wait to see how He makes a beautiful mess of things... and I will be standing on the front lines when He does.

Join me in being intentional about loving well. Ask God to give you His heart for someone you normally wouldn't think about loving this week.

Be fearless!

-Mel

A Beautiful Letdown

There is something about brutal honesty that brings great freedom...even peace. During these last few weeks, I found myself in and out of chaos and far too often wearing such burdens on my shoulders that it was difficult for me to go about my day. I was talking to God in frustration about why I just couldn't seem to leave the burdens that I carried at His feet. Far too often, I've felt the sweet release of unloading all of the heaviness in prayer, but found myself, a few days later, feeling like I'm wearing a rucksack full of boulders.

After a bit of introspection, there were a few things on my heart. I was carrying the weight of the broken relationships of others, disappointments, finances, mistakes, frustrations and self-pity. I didn't realize my stress levels were so high until I found myself grinding my teeth throughout the day. Eek! I was never meant to carry such burdens.

One issue in particular struck a deep chord in my heart. I had quite a few pots in the fire, and am notorious for taking on too much because I love a challenge and I am a starter. I run out of the blocks with so much passion, tackling seemingly impossible feats, yet when obstacles come, I often find myself frozen in my tracks.

One of the "pots" I found myself tending to began to boil over. I began staring at the proverbial pot. I attempted to figure out how I could maneuver it to keep it on the fire. In reality, I needed to turn off the fire. I talked to God about it and He impressed upon my heart that I shouldn't have more than four big things going on in my life at a time. I remember telling Him "Well, what about this (Enter irrational yet worthy task here.) I could totally do five. What about five?" His instruction didn't change. Whenever I have more than five pots on the fire, something boils over. Every time.

One thing that I love about God is that even if we do not heed to His instruction, He still lovingly creates beauty from our mess. The burden that came with the last issue I was facing was rooted in letting someone down. From being perceived as a disappointment if I said "no" to another thing to do. Now, it wasn't just any someone that I would be letting down. It was a "father-type" figure. There was something significant about that.

Now, if I would describe myself, I would not say I am a people pleaser by any means. If I have passion about something, I pursue it. If Jesus moves me to do something crazy, I will do it, even if I look stupid. So what was stopping me now? My fears were rooted in unresolved "Daddy Issues." Such a deep recurring issue for me is to completely heal from my relationship with father figures. I realized that when it comes to deviating from instruction from positive individuals of influence such as these, I clam up and boundary lines become blurred, even if the individual is a stranger.

 I had to take a step back and say "Wait! I don't really know this man from Adam. Why is my decision to take this pot out of the fire keeping me up at night?" Not cool. It was then that I felt very clearly that it was time to release this burden... and I did. Making that decision single-handedly cut the chaos in my life in half. Yes, I am now left out of a previous endeavor, but I have more peace for it. It turned out to be a beautiful letdown because my mind and emotions now had room to breathe. Because of God's great love in revealing the heart issue to me, I could now begin to really deal with it. That's a win win situation my friend.

So, if you've ever been in my shoes, learn this truth with me: You don't have to do too much. The world can wait. Saying "no" does not make you any less valuable. Furthermore, God is an amazing Father and the greatest love you will ever have and need. He desires so deeply to lavish a love upon you that is full, beautiful and life-changing. He gives so much grace for our mistakes...such beauty for ashes. Every. single. time.

Today, lay your burdens down. Let your freedom be beautiful. You were made to thrive in peace with great joy. That is what I am after. Now, I pray for healing in my heart. Now I rejoice because out of this, I have golden opportunity to get to know my heavenly Father so much more. So do you.

Love,

-Mel

You Know Me

I want it. You probably want it too- to be seen. To be known. Personally and Intimately. Unfortunately, so many times we live out our days letting few people "in" to a place where they can get to know us. So many days we don't spend enough time really getting to know ourselves. 

Oh, to be known! How many times has someone observed your life and simply stated some fact about you that is a part of your likes, character or DNA? I know I have. All I can say when this happens is "Hey! You know me!" I can't tell you how much being known warms my heart. I spent far too many years of my life being misunderstood by those around me. There was a time when I didn't know how to maneuver through being fully myself while keeping my heart open long enough to let others in. That was a lonely and confusing place to be. 

I was sitting in my office this evening, and my heart was heavy. There were innumerable things on my mind. Burdens on my shoulders that I wasn't meant to carry. I was ready to dismiss myself into a closet and unleash my feelings on canvas when my husband began to linger around. He doesn't usually do this, and it was way past his bedtime. His mannerisms offered that I take on his pace. He bought us matching hoodies. He gave me his strawberry shake to try. He got a dry erase marker and urged me to join him in writing down our dreams and goals. He embraced me and just let me take him in. His love talked down my walls and completely disarmed the chaos I was feeling inside. Now I felt free to write, free to rest and free to think. His actions proved that he knew me. He knew just what my heart needed and met me where I was. Amazing. 

How much more does the Father know us? The One who created us with His hands. The One who breathed life into our lungs. The one who ordained our very days before they came to be. Such intentionality. Such great love. This "knowing" trumps all of our fears because we are safe in His arms. This "knowing" gives us a safe place to rest in the chaos of life because in His care we can be confident that every single need we have will be supplied. What great love. Nothing is hidden from His sight. Beautiful. Unconditional love lavished upon us even though He knows the most intimate details of our lives. 

If you feel misunderstood, alone or ignored know that God knows you! He hears every unspoken prayer, adores every facet of who you are and will always choose you. Remember that truth this week. Let His love change everything.

Love,

-Mel

Seasons Change Everything

As soon as the first leaf heralding autumn falls to the ground, you know that change is coming. The hues of the sunset become more vibrant, and days are filled with steaming mugs of happiness, football games and fireside chats. You can hear the crunching of the leaves underneath your feet... and the skies remind you of the signs that winter will soon arrive. You see the signs.

 Hmm... In your life when great change happens, do you see the signs? Are you able to feel the great anticipation of something new breaking over your life? Today, I was in a bible study and had a epiphany. It was sparked by recent events that have brought great change. I feel like my dreams are coming to life. I feel like I am being re-made into the woman that I have always wanted to be. The past me would have cringed within my skin and hidden herself amidst the piles of clothes in the laundry room or meaningless projects around the house. Not the new me. The new me realizes that I can never go back to that place, because there is nothing to go back to. 

Change is here and it is bringing every shade of beautiful joy I could ever imagine... but back to the question at hand- Did I see the signs? Yes I did, but I don't know if I fully believed them. I was in a place of desperation. I was thirsty for change. Here is what happened:

 Months ago, I was in a church service and Shawn Bolz, the Senior Pastor of Expression58 in Los Angeles, began to speak prophetically over me. He spoke of destiny, of promises fulfilled and of great change. The changes that he spoke of were so great, that in my state of chaos, I could not see myself walking out any of the words that were spoken during that particular season of my life. I wanted to do so, so badly, but I just wasn't ready. 

Back to the epiphany. Today I realized this: The thing about prophecy is that there is usually a place that God needs to take you through to get there. That is why such words of promise can mean so much to the human heart. It is because when we get the Word, it is the heralding of healing that is coming! There is great hope spoken to the broken heart in this, because that heart knows it will not stay as it has always been! It will be made new. Prophecy is a promise that we are getting an upgrade! I can't tell you enough how much I've needed one. I've lived sick and un-motivated, full of sorrow, exhausted with a poor outlook on life and an incorrect view of God for many, many years. 

What joy it brings to my heart to know that I will never go back to that place! I couldn't ask for a better gift. You know what, it doesn't end there. With every season that I traverse through, I will be given more strength and wisdom to move forward. The same is true for you! This is such great news for all of us. 

If you been wallowing in "sameness" for many seasons like I had been, know it will not last forever. God loves you too dearly to let you stay the same way. There may be a bit of death that comes with the changing of the seasons.  Old pieces of you that were no good, may fall away to the ground and get crushed underfoot like felled leaves, but know this-In such death, you are given new life. Rejoice in that truth my friend! Let's celebrate seasons of change today. 

Love,

-Mel

 

Beautiful Bravery

No one can pick and choose what hand they are dealt. Some are blessed with riches. Some live in environments of emotional poverty. Some can easily reach for the stars, while others feel like they are shouting aimlessly at the skies. Each journey is significant. Each journey takes bravery.

It takes great bravery to wake up in the morning when you're drudging through a bout of depression. It takes bravery to try again for a promised child when you've experienced great loss-knowing you just have to try again even if that means possibly losing another. It takes bravery to love when you know it may never be reciprocated. It takes bravery to lay down shattered dreams for hope, sorrow for joy or a broken outlook for a more healthy one. 

I got some unfavorable news about my body from a doctor this week. My mind didn't seem surprised, but my heart was grasping for a place to rest. A bit of emotional paralysis ensued. The difficulty for me was that there was nothing that I did to make this issue happen. I eat well, I exercise, but truly I think I've dealt with the ailment off and on since childhood. It was just never properly diagnosed. Miracles and the providence of God hid its symptoms. I didn't really know how to feel, or what to think. My heart didn't feel strong or bold. I didn't really feel brave. I needed heavenly direction.

I went to a meeting and a dear friend came along. I was probably wearing my bewilderment on my face and my heart was not ready to be engaged in the presentation. I was on the edge of tears, barely holding it together as I scanned the room, politely nodding to strangers... Grasping for someone to listen. Moments before the meeting began, I whispered in my friend's ear what was going on. Immediately she began to speak words of life to me. She spoke directly to the issues of my heart. Everything around me faded away and the beauty of truth was all that I could see. I began to feel tangible strength in my spirit and heart. My mind began to change, shifting to a positive and realistic place of hope. I was reminded of the Father's love for me. I was reminded that I had the authority to change everything. To rise instead of fall. To tenaciously demand change from myself and my surroundings. To make tragedy bend to the will of God and to my irrevocable promise as His daughter. 

 In choosing how to direct your resolve, it is difficult to stand when you feel like Big Fat Life is sitting squarely on your chest. In the face of issues like these what are your options? You can choose to let waves of self-pity and defeat crash over you and let a victim mentality sweep you away into the uncharted waters of a worse diagnosis and unfulfilled dreams... Or, you can choose to rise up in strength, promise and hope, see the reality of the situation and fight to change it. I don't have to tell you what the better choice is. Your heart already knows. Even when you feel like you're just going through the motions, keep moving forward in speaking life over your situation and the resolve that you need will eventually take over. 

So, today I choose to be brave. I choose to overcome. I choose to be still and know that He will make everything work for my good. I choose to believe the truth that says:

"Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good." -Romans 8:28 MSG

Today, if you feel like you've been up against an army of woes, remember this my friend: You are beautifully brave! You will make it through if you set your heart on the truth that ALL things can work together for your good. Remember what God says and take hold of every promise that is yours. You deserve everything He has for you.

Love,

-Mel

Letters to God: Part Two

Dear Savior,

Did you know that you are my dream? I want to be consistently like you. I love how when I stray away from the ideals of your heart,  you always go out of your way to show me what really matters. I am overwhelmed when I think about how patient you are with me. I make so many mistakes but your love for me doesn't change. Thank you for loving me enough to encounter my world. Thank you for changing everything. There is no better place I could be than with you. The more I am aware of your presence, the richer I feel. You are my treasure. I am eternally yours.

Love,

Mel