Monday, August 8, 2011

Searching for something meaningful



Meaning is such a profound thing. I mean, it can be found in anything, and pretty much anywhere. In the gait of a passerby, in the wind, in a city skyline or graffiti on a wall. One of the biggest depictions of meaning that I have in my head lately centers around a profession or vocation.

Its easy to think that being a homemaker is a meaningless profession. Anyone whose life has been poured into and forever changed by a loving parent in this way knows the weight of such a sacrifice. Nevertheless, I can't help but think I should be doing more. In this desire, have I completely missed the point? Why is it so hard to see the value of raising a child or managing the home? I don't know. All I know is that I've felt this way many times before.  I may have even blogged about it.

I've tried writing books to venture out, painting art pieces that just weren't "Masterpiece material." I've tried singing, wish I was better at dancing. I've tried education. In all of these, I've only been able to find a semblance of peace in my faith. In Jesus. Meaning portrayed through those nail scarred hands speaks volumes through my soul. When I work for that cause, I feel like I'm truly impacting the world.

So now what. Do I feel this way because I haven't been connected to this purpose enough? Or could am I being led to some greater thing that is a part of the "grand design" of my life's blueprint? I don't know. All I know is that I'm tired of feeling this way.

Lord I'm here

Waiting for something new

Been waiting for years.

Waiting for you.

is it just that I've run

run away from you

from your plan

from the "us"

that knits me to you?

Bring me back, dear Savior.

Dare I ask you to chase?

If this is a game

please find me

in the arms of your amazing grace.

Love is what I have for you.

Be near me tonight

As I fight this feeling inside me;

end this longing plight.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

The Next Big thing

I'm frustrated. I'm stuck wanting the "Next Big thing" to happen in my life. Maybe its a awesome business ideal, a multi-million dollar invention or winning a sweepstakes. It frustrates me that I equate money and joy when I see people all of the time who have tons of money and are miserable. Maybe I'm thinking about how our car could die... but I don't remind myself enough that we got it for free. Or maybe I recall how I haven't purchased new clothes in years ad have tons of holes in mine... at the same time I often fail to recall the person who made my tattered jeans possibly earns 9 cents a day for making them... or think about the millions of people around the world with no clothes at all. I just wish our society didn't make you feel bad for looking less than- because for me, accepting the "less than" puts my heart at ease because today, I'd rather appear less than and give all the money that I would have spent on a shopping spree to the poor. The irony is that I have to go spend money on new jeans anyway because in my society, I can't walk around naked.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Hmm

All I need is one line, one Word from God to make me see

One time, one try from Him to me.

Then I give Him one glance, one listening ear.

He's told me more than one time

I'm not listening enough to hear.

He's told me again today how I often waste my time.

I've become the Martha and not Mary

haven't embraced peace sublime.

All it takes is one time

one minute for me to see

that in His two arms lies peace

In just two arms that this break-back pace subsides

Those two arms carried me from my live to die.

So die I must if I want to be free.

Die again today

Dying to me.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

A Time for Everything



The Sun had set,

Her eyes were closed.

She dreamt of life,

her love unfolds.

Yet in her eyes,

there rests a tear.

A forlorn smile,

from ear to ear.

She breathes a sigh.

One glance around,

before she falls,

upon the ground.

Amidst the leaves,

into her hand.

She turns the veins,

colored of sand.

Of life, of love,

of joy snuffed out.

Of hopes, of fears...

covered in doubt.

But now she waits,

amidst the leaves-

and stares at tops

of Poplar Trees.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Yelling at God? I don't do that enough *REPOST*

yelling at a donkey llama thing

*

I was approached by a friend today about the necessity of yelling at God sometimes. When you face something tough in life- something unfortunate that was in no way a part of God's plan for you, but was a result of the free-will of someone else or of a broken world... that just sucks.

Why did their bad decision have to rub off on me and alter my existence? Its just not fair. Well, I guess I haven't been doing enough of this "yelling" at God (or maybe to God). I feel it in my soul- a tug of war as I try to reconcile my heart, and a mind that has been forever trying to convince me that God is a God of wrath. My heart has been trying to prove my mind wrong, but after these altering events, that effort has become a despicable feat.

So, how does this conversation come about? A exchange of beating my chest and occasional wtfs to God? I don't know if I can be that honest, right? But ya know, honesty like this is what God can truly take. When we look in the Word of God, those who were brutally honest captivated His heart. Christ Himself spoke those tough words to the Father "Let this cup pass from me," but ultimately, Christ surrendered his will and succumbed to his predestined fate and it was a glorious one.

With all that said, I will officially say that I am upset. I know I have been cheated. My life has been forever altered. I have been deeply pained, wronged, like a reed bent with no cause, but ya know what? My Savior is beginning to pick up the pieces of me. Little by little I am watching Him mend this heart, and when the healing has been completed and the scars become a reminder of where I have been, He and I will be a force to be reckoned with. No doubt about it.

Until then, Lord, let your love be the healing balm that soothes this soul.

Let your strength infuse a heart that has turned to stone.

Let true praise be the breath that speaks no lies-

to the Savior who holds the tears that fall from these eyes.

You have felt the pain that deepens within my chest

you have seen me broken as I beat upon my breast,

but great joy will soon return to me

for you are my sweet justice and my liberty.

Amen.

*Note: I am in no way equating God to a pony, donkey or llama. LOL. I just really liked this picture:-)

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Real Love

290px-Cristo_Redentor_-_Rio

So, I was doing some thinking about love. You know, Jesus loved unconditionally, compassionately...completely.

We love marginally, conditionally and many times through gritted teeth- inevitably reluctantly. You may beg to differ, but I'm speaking from experience.

Nevertheless, love makes me think of communion. You know- the communion Jesus had with the disciples in the upper room. The more I know about those disciples, I realize that true communion was not just for the righteous. We have all sinned.

What gets me is that Christ knew the sins of those who sat around the table with Him during the last supper. He even pointed out the sins of some and told them that He knew! But ya know what? He didn't dismiss himself from the table. Why? Because He loved completely. He simply wanted to sup with them. He wanted them to understand the depth of His love and the imperative reality of His impending sacrifice.

His actions were saying : No matter what, I'm not giving up on you. My death proves my commitment to your process of healing and salvation. I want you to be free to love as I love... to love as freely and as completely as I live.

I just thought that was deep. Although for some, the words spoken here may be obvious or even redundant, but I'd be remiss if I forget of the love of Christ- if my heart becomes calloused and it no longer aches when I consider the reality of the depth of Christ's love.

I just wanted to share that with you. Have a great day.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

The Memorial Day Fiasco

DSCN0420

Yesterday was one of the most ridiculous and interesting days I’ve ever had. I woke up with Jon at the Dallas Westin, both of us saddened that we had to soon say goodbye. We packed up, ate breakfast at the hotel and departed for Waco, TX to meet my brother in law, Andy, with his wife and kids at the Cameron Park Zoo. The drive was about an hour and a half.

The zoo was beautiful- it seemed more like a wildlife reserve, and was nested in the middle of a small country town in Waco off of the Brazos River. We saw a Jaguar, capybara, bats, snakes, owls, bears- you know, zoo animals. It was fun to be there with the family- especially since we hadn’t seen them in a while and Andy was in town from Iraq.

As we reached the end of our stay, we said our goodbyes within the nocturnal creature exhibit and pretty much sprinted to the car after a routine bathroom stop. On the way back we stopped at a gas station declaring to cost $1.91 a gallon and Jon was ecstatic. Soon after we found that this station had run out of gas, so we headed to a more popular fueling station, before gaining  a snickers Ice Cream bar for the road.

We made it back to Dallas in record time. After many delays, tolls, and being unable to find the proper check-in location, we said our goodbyes and I searched to find a way to get to my flight on time. I had about 45 minutes before departure.  I finally made it to the check-in station and was greeted by the attendant calling for me in a sea of passengers. I was very late.

After bargaining with passersby to allow me to budge in order to reach my destination, I made it to the gate in time to find that the plane had not yet boarded. This was the beginning of an interesting trip.

As I was seated, initially there was a flutter of activity as a large group was traveling and asked to switch seats in order to stay together. The individual that I ended up seated next to was rather charismatic and intermittently chatty. After a few minutes, we both noticed a man with a barf bag walking determinedly to the restroom- numerous times. We soon found out that he had eaten Chinese food late last night and was not feeling well.

Soon after, the flight attendant looked at me and the guy and asked us if we would switch seats with this man and his wife so that they could be closer to the restroom. It was no problem and we got better seats.

My next traveling companion was a woman from Ottawa, who asked me numerous questions about my travel plans as well as to those around me. She seemed to have meant well and was very friendly. The man I had been sitting next to me in the back of the plane was now across the aisle and kept looking like he wanted to strike up conversation, but hesitated as it seemed rude to talk across the aisle. That was hilarious.

I started working on homework and stopped for a game of Family Feud. Soon after, I felt a tap on my arm. I looked to find an African American young lady .She asked me if I was using my laptop. I was a bit confused and said yes I was. This was apparent and she could obviously see everything that I was doing from my seat. She then proceeded to say “Oh, because I was going to use it to do my homework, but never mind.” I was like “what?..oh.” and just turned around. That was weird.

After I the plane landed, I went to the attendant at the gate and inquired about the connecting flight from Detroit to Minneapolis. He told me it was gate A65. I proceeded to this gate and sat down, as I had an hour before departure and I needed to plug in my laptop.

Soon after, I received a call from Jon. He had taken the rental car and was supposed to drop it off at Enterprise downtown. It was a few blocks away from the greyhound station, so he could just walk from there. After driving around for an hour, he realized the website portrayed the wrong address and he was looking in the wrong location. By then, it was about an hour before he needed to get on the bus.

Reaching the station, Jon soon found out that it was closed on Sundays. The after-hours drop off ramp was also closed. Frantic at this point, Jon decided to park the car at a meter directly outside of Enterprise, hoping that he could contact the office in the morning and someone could check the car in. Unfortunately, he did not understand the payment schedule for the meter and walked away, locking the keys in the car, as well as the receipt for the rental transaction.

At this point, I’m feeling sick to my stomach, trying to figure out what the heck to do. I called Enterprise to see what could be done. The man that I spoke to told me that this was above his pay-grade and sent me to talk to the manager- who did not have a clue about what he could do. I apologized many times and told him I would work it out.

I had an idea to call Geico to see if I could get the car towed to the Airport location where it was rented. Unfortunately, since there was no one with the car, the service that they had could not be redeemed, but I was eventually connected to an “underground” type towing service who would work with me.

I eventually got everything together and the car was going to be towed to the airport to the careful hands of the manager, Jason. After this, I was ready to go home. I looked down from working things out on my computer and that sick feeling returned to my stomach. The time zone was different on my computer than it was on my phone and if this was the case, I had missed my plane! I looked outside of the gate that I was told the plane would depart to see that it was a storage hangar for luggage transportation vehicles! Agh! ARE YOU SERIOUS?

By this time I was pretty livid. I checked the TV screens in the lobby and my fears were confirmed. I walked to a ticket counter and found fortunately that with Delta, if you missed your flight, you will automatically be transferred to another.

After visiting two ticket counters, I spoke with Robert, who apologized and did everything he could to help me out. There was a plane taking off to Minneapolis that night but it was full and there was a waiting list of about eleven people. The next one was leaving around 6am.  I had to sleep in the airport.

Robert told me the safest place to stay and I took my purse and laptop and sat in a chair by a nearby Starbucks. At that point I couldn’t hold it together anymore and started to cry as I told Jon what was happening over the phone. He felt horrible and promised to make it up to me, and advised that when I visited in July, we could stay in Wichita Falls in order to bypass all this trouble- even if it did cost more to fly.

Apparently, my tears were being noticed by some airport employees and they motioned me to come and sit with them after I got off of the phone. I brought my stuff and they prepared me a seat and chided me to share what was going on. There were three men- they reminded me of caring, yet clever dads and uncles. The patiently listened to the story and offered any help that they could. I saw Robert once again and he printed off some food vouchers for me. This was a blessing, as I only had 4 bucks in my pocket. The tow took all the rest of my money.

I got some snacks and prepared for the night, heeding to the wisdom of Harvey- one of the airport employees to sleep on my bags. I called Ron and Becky and let them know what happened.

Soon after, I get a call from Dennis Talbert, a man in the Detroit area who works with the Devos initiative. He told me that there was a hotel within the airport and he had booked me a room there. It was the Westin! I was like “what?! Are you serious?” That’s 200 a night!

So, I slept there-exceedingly grateful and work up at 5 to catch my plane on time. It’s amazing how God can turn a crazy day and a seemingly impossible situation into something wonderful. Even though we cannot always predict how each day will turn out, we can be confident in knowing that God will always take care of us… and you know what? I’m so glad He did!