The Loner Life

Let me let you in on a little secret. Are you ready? Ok, here it goes. I have a hard time having a consistently good attitude. Seriously, ask my husband. There are days I don't smile much, and I often find myself responding in my head to situations with cynical or sarcastic responses that I would never really say out loud. Since we're being honest, here's one more thing: I'm kind of a loner.

I was talking to my husband the other day and I was like "When did I get so serious?" He looked at me with a face that was obviously suppressing a wave of sarcastic responses. He looked me in the eyes with an impish grin and said "You've always been that way."

Really? In my mind my default demeanor is bubbly and happy go lucky. I took a moment to go back in time. Preschool: loner with three imaginary friends that only existed when I peeled back the mirrors on the medicine cabinet in my grandmother's bathroom. There were melody (myself), Responsibility and Trisha. Trisha was the fun one.

In elementary school, I was melancholy. I spent my precious moments before school talking to the soldiers who died in past wars as I read their names on the memorial plaques on the ground beneath the trees that lined the parkway. 

In high school I would wander in the woods alone in the rain purposefully trying to get lost. I would spend my time walking alongside abandoned train tracks, discover hidden lakes and stare for hours at old beautiful mansions, wondering about the generations of families that once resided within those walls. In college, things were all to the same. I intentionally didn't get involved and insisted on having a single dorm room when I was old enough.

I truly coveted my alone time, because in the public eye, I was very outgoing, but constantly critical of myself. I was in so many groups, clubs and organizations that I got burned out. I quit an amazing job in college because the stress of holding things together and juggling life were just too much for me. I guess I'd forgotten to retreat away to the lakes and forests that made me once come alive.

When I found out we were moving to Las Vegas, I truly thought I would die. There was no where to hide in the desert. I didn't know if any place to retreat in the wilderness and find myself lost in introspective contemplation for hours. Just dry, hot dirt.

It's amazing how things have changed. Now I love it here. My forests have turned to coffee shops and hidden gems within the city. I recall last week as I was walking around symphony park I found myself caught in a overwhelming fragrant breeze of leaves. I stopped and walked backward just so I could feel it again. The wind rushed over my face and the sun shone above in the trees with deep hues of yellow and orange. For a brief moment, I was in heaven. I was home amidst the swirling leaves. There was another fragrance that I just couldn't put my finger on, and I looked down to see bush after bush of succulent Rosemary. Rosemary! My favorite smell. God knew just what I needed that day to come alive again.

Maybe  being serious, an introvert or having loner tendencies are not a bad thing. The danger comes when my well runs dry, a bad attitude takes over and I think I don't need community. Even in all of my loner tendencies, I know I need people. I love people. They too, can make me come alive. Just in a different way...I'd even go as far to say people make me come alive in the best way.

Whether we are loners or thrive out of constant interaction with others, we can all benefit with rubbing shoulders with good people. I have a hard time making myself laugh. I'd rather leave that to a good friend who knows me well. I'd rather exchange a conversation over coffee than spend everyday alone.

I don't really know where I'm going with all of this. I'm just on a process of honestly discovering myself. I'm redefining who I am and being ok with it. I encourage you to do the same.

Love,
-Mel

Ps. As we speak, I'm sitting at a coffee shop alone, but my sister in law works here and she keeps making faces at me. I've married my alone time and need for community tonight...and it's so rich.