I find myself vacillating lately. I'm fighting the thoughts in my head- feeling like I should be in a different place than being tempted to stay in a position of mourning my losses.
I feel the pain of catastrophe's wake. I feel the need to rebuild. Wanting to grieve over what was stolen from me, yet fully aware of the blessing of new life and a second chance that I've been given. It's like my feet are firmly planted where they should be- in victory, but I haven't really gotten my butt up off of the ground yet.
You see, I'm pretty good at physically moving forward. It's my mind that needs a little more time. It needs a little more help. I have a lot of renewing to do.
Through it all I know that God is faithful. Through it all I know that things always get better. I know I am stronger, braver, wiser and more determined than before. Yet, I pray for strength in my dealings.
I have this intrinsic need to feel more victorious. Like being able to walk isn't victory enough. I want to reclaim everything that was lost...with violence.
As you can tell, there is a torrent of thoughts swirling in my head. Thoughts I've only now finally decided to pen. I've tried to write the story at least five times before since May. Today, I decided to finally settle upon how I feel today... and what a place this is. :-)
There will be highs and lows to my journey, but no matter what, I am determined to move forward everyday. That's what counts. That is what will change everything.
Now, if I can just remember to breathe... :-)
Love,
-Mel
