The Necessity of Dignity

If there was one thing that I am taking from this experience, it is the beauty and necessity of dignity. When I first arrived at the hospital, I was completely helpless. I could not lift my hand to drink water. I could not dress or bathe myself. I could not cover myself with a blanket if I was cold. I was entirely at the whim of my caregivers...and I was fine with it. My body was so badly broken that I found comfort in being cared for. I felt valued. I began to bask in the needed attention that I was being given- until I grew stronger.

As soon as I happened upon the Rehab Ward, I realized that I had been given the green light to try. As I wheeled through the halls and glanced at the state of my neighbors, I soon realized that I was the youngest patient here. I saw the feeble wrinkled bodies of my peers. I saw where the atrophies of life had taken their toll. I realized that I was far from where I believed many of these individuals were- at a place of giving up...maybe even at a place of being ready and willing to die.

If I was to survive at all in an environment like this, I knew I had to set my heart and mind like flint in the direction of health and healing. I intrinsically vowed that everyday that I found myself to be here, I would give 100% until I was ready to go home.

As the days went by, I watched as the tasks that I had to complete went from the status’ of needing assistance, to me being able to complete the tasks with full independence. I passed challenges of eating, grooming, toileting, getting dressed and bathing. I overcame my fear of scalpels and going to the bathroom alone.

As these milestones occurred, I also noticed that I began to be treated differently. I became less of a patient, and more of a counterpart to the staff on the floor. They began to open up to me- sharing stories of their personal lives and hobbies. They shares stories of their dreams and ambitions, families and deepest sorrows. I was entrusted with hearts and was able to take a glimpse into the souls of these caregivers beyond their badges and titles. I felt human again. I felt like a traveller amongst friends.

I recall a time in this very same hospital, many years ago, when these pleasantries would have never been afforded to me. I had MRSA in my blood and found myself to be ostracized in a small wing of the hospital where patients recovered from hysterectomies.

I had recently given birth to my oldest son at 24 weeks gestation, and he was fighting for his life in the NICU. Little did he know that I too was fighting for mine. The strongest medicines the hospital were not working for me. I broke out in a painful rash on my body. I had many fevers, sometimes to 104 degrees and my husband was constantly fighting to advocate for my care.

There was even a time where I would call the nurses for help, and although a cheery voice came on the line, promising assistance, or a meal, no one would ever come. I was in that place for a month. I felt like a prisoner in this very hospital. I remember telling God that I never wanted to come back. I had been completely stripped of my dignity and did not get it back until I was well again.

Fast forward to the present.  The differences between then and now are like those of the night and day, but something happened last night that brought me back to that desperate place.

It was late in the evening, and I was hungry. I recalled how the nurses told me that since I was independent, I was able to check myself off of the floor and go get food, coffee or go shopping within the facility if I desired to. I was closer to going home, so i thought an independent outing would be a wonderful opportunity for me to prepare for “life on the outside.”

I checked myself out, and kindly declined a nurse to escort me. I would be fine. I rolled down the halls and could feel the chill of the night on my skin and in my heart. I was happy to be able to have a nice meal...but I was missing home.

I waited for 10 minutes in line and mentally chose what I would be ordering. Finally it was my turn to order. The woman behind the counter looked down at me and smiled. As her smile faded, she said these words, “Oh, I’m sorry. We don’t serve patients here.”

It was a simple phrase, but I was instantly crushed. In all my striving for independence, and the accolades of achievement, I couldn’t even order a sandwich for dinner. I figured it was because of dietary restrictions of patients there, but I couldn’t stop the tears.

I wheeled down the hall, hiding my face and tried the find the nearest bathroom. I spotted one, but the door was too heavy. Handicap accessible my butt! I rammed my wheelchair into the opening of the door until I could pass through. Immediately, there was another obstacle. I finally cleared it and retreated into the largest stall I could find.

I closed the door and just balled. I could feel my shoulders heaving from the deep sorrow that I felt in my heart. I yelled at the ceiling and told God how unfair this was. I told Him how frustrated I was. It was then that I decided that I wanted to go home. This was how I felt in that lonely ward so many years ago. Helpless and defeated. Broken and alone. I slammed my fist at the wall in anger and then I stopped... I suddenly realized that this time, something was different.

I didn’t want to put myself into an internal prison. I had worked so hard, why stop now? I said aloud “I refuse to partner with the lie of rejection. I am not rejected. This is just the policy of the hospital.” I immediately began to feel better. Why? Because I changed my mind. I changed the course of where the night could go. I had the opportunity to choose if I was going to cry myself to sleep that night or if I was to overcome.  It was time to overcome.

I left the stall behind and wheeled myself to the door. A stranger on the other side opened it up and smiled at me, saving me from the drudgery of the task. I nodded and went back to my floor feeling a little lighter.

After checking in with my nurse, I came back to my room. Others soon found out what had happened and offered to go and buy a sandwich for me. I thanked them for their regard, but was more than ready to turn in for the night. Their kindness reminded me that I was once again among friends.

What a tough lesson to learn when you face difficult situations! It’s amazing how painful or unexpected experiences can trigger feelings of the past. It was up to me to determine what I was going to do with them. That simple experience is a part of me overcoming my past and the challenges of the present. It was a part of me becoming stronger.

Today I choose to delight in the dignity that has been so graciously given to me. I will remember who I am and not shrink back to a place of weakness and defeat. If you ever find yourself where I was last night, I encourage you to do the same. Embrace bravery and bless everyone you meet with the gift of dignity.

Love,

-Mel

The Value of Heaven

I've been feeling the weight of loss lately. So many painful tragedies occur. So many lives are cut short. It seems to hurt worse when life is snatched away from the young. 

How can a heart cope? How do you reconcile the loss that you feel in your heart to the continuation of everyday activities when life must go on? Such a question. 

I recall when I was in the thick of facing my own losses. The only thing that would give me some sort of comfort was the reality that heaven had become a lot more valuable. I know it seems simple, but think about it. Many spout sonnets concerning the afterlife, cherubs and streets of gold. I happen to truly believe there is such a place as this paradise- although I don't know what it will look like. Because God reigns there, I know it has got to be good, as He indeed is. Because of His presence there and the presence of my loved ones, this "heaven" is valuable to me. I truly believe I will see them when I pass away. Although the pain of the waiting is tangible, joy comes in the morning. 

In the realization of the value of heaven, I rest in the knowledge that safety and security do not need to be sought down here. Because of His great love, there is no fear in death. I can rest in knowing that even if I pass away, things will turn out ok. I will be fine. My family will survive because they find a home in a loving Savior who can meet all of their needs. 

This tangibly looks like the overwhelming strength that one feels when plagued with sorrow. This looks like moments of great joy that carry you when you've felt like you have no tears left. This looks like community surrounding you and provision given when financial needs are present. 

In the midst of sorrow, God is Here. He is close to the brokenhearted and crushed in spirit. Because of the value of heaven and the precious gift of my life, I choose to hide myself in the wings of my Savior- the one who carries me and shows me daily, the true value of heaven.

Love,

-Melody

The Beauty of Springtime

How many days have gone by since the day you were born? How many mornings have you spent in joy, or in shame? In reluctance or in bliss. In awe or in wonder?

For me, the last 29 years have been a whirlwind. The last 8, a tidal wave of joys and sorrows... but something has happened. The dust has settled, and I'm realizing how long it's been since I've enacted the mores of Melody.

Saturday marked promises fulfilled and new beginnings for me. I realized that it had been almost 8 years since I'd led a worship service. When I actually took the time to count the years, I was dumbfounded. Where have I been? Locked away in my fears? Riding the waves of life? I think it has been all of the above. The blessing in it all is that God is a redeemer of the time, and no precious moment was lost. It's just time to step back into that part of my passion again, and it can only get better.

How about you? What promises or dreams have you left behind? I encourage you to revisit something you may have been staring at longingly as it sits on the shelf collecting dust. Don't be afraid to try. Don't be afraid to make mistakes. You fail? So what. Try again. The next time will be  better. Just don't give up.

There can sometimes be a certain pain to trying again or doing a new thing. Consider these to be growing pains. The stretching and bending of the belief that you are more than what you thought you were. The cracking of broken views and the birth of new ones. The shifting of incomplete ideas as they become melded into a more complete picture of what God intended. In this light, change is a good thing.

My pastor Rachelle was speaking of change at a women's event on Saturday. I can not recall the exact wording, but it went something like this: if you are not changing, you are complacent or stagnant. Could you imagine where you would be in 5 years if you did not conquer fear and move forward in your life? Exactly. You would be in the exact same place that you are today. How disheartening for most to realize such a reality! Maybe some of you already have. If so, then it's time for change.

Ebbs and flows are good. We are made in the image of a loving God who moves with us. He loves the seasons of life. It is evident in how the trees cast their leaves in the fall, or how the sun shines brighter in the spring time. Sometimes we stay in one season of our lives for far too long. We live for years in the winter because of our fears. We may be longing for the springtime but we just sit back and watch while the world passes us by.

My pastor Zack made a beautiful point yesterday in his Sunday message. He said " Sometimes we forget we're alive." Seriously! We do! We can get used to the monotony and frigid cold of winter, We feel the life fleeting from our bones. What we often fail to realize is that winter is not merely death. Winter is the beauty that sets the stage for new life to begin! Old things fall away so that everything can become new! Winter occurs so expansion, abundance and blessing can occur.

Just like the rosebush buds and blooms, it needs the tender care of a gardener to make it come fully alive and release its fragrance to the world. If we are not being pruned, watered, blessed and loved...if we are not living in healthy community and cultivating all of the good things that make us some alive, we will not bud and bloom. Find your place. Come alive. Springtime is here!

Love,

-Mel

A Change of Perspective

Such a beautiful dance of life we live,

An intricate tapestry we roam. 

In the midst of days plummeting on,

and shadows cast of home. 

Dream with me friend, 

in this moment find ,

the one thing you can give.

A cherished belief 

in life and love,

and inaccurate perspective. 

God has been opening my eyes lately to how limited my perspective has been. I was driving around last week, after dropping my mother off at the airport and stumbled across a park. I've driven by this park a few times and had never taken the time to enjoy its beauty. Today, I would.

 

It was frigid for Las Vegas this particular day, but I decided to seek a place to write beneath the trees. I pulled my sweater close to my face as the cool wind swirled around me. My eyes began to water and I felt like I would find no resting place for myself or for my pen. I walked toward one spot as a young man decided to find his place a few feet away- too close. I turned in the opposite direction to find that the only places left were in the parking lot. Feeling a little saddened by the lack of shelter, I decided to walk in another direction. I almost retreated to the car when I saw something. Geese. Huge, fuzzy, fat, honking, orange beaked geese! I hadn't recalled seeing white geese before, so I went to take a closer look. Further into the park were all kinds of birds. Songbirds, pigeons, seagulls, mallards, larks and horned geese all waddling before me. A frigid landscape suddenly turned into a bustling habitat for birds! 

I looked even further to see something shooting into the sky. I assumed it to be a broken sprinkler. Wrong again. It was the fountain to a lake! A man-made lake equipped with a ramp for boating and a drop off for fishing. This outing was just getting better and better.

As I sat by the water, I felt compelled to get out a pen and paper and begin to compose a line drawing of what I could see. I scribbled a flurry of shrubs and conifers...gazebos, mountains and clouds. I smiled at my drawing and felt compelled to look again. My, had I been wrong! The mountains were in the wrong place. The sidewalk didn't extend as far. I'm pretty sure I had missed a gazebo altogether. Although the rendering was beautiful to me, it was all wrong. This was when God began to speak.

He reminded me that although the drawing was lovely, and that there was much truth in my depiction of the scene, my perspective was limited. My limited perspective prevented me from seeing all of the beauty that could be seen in my surroundings. How many more things in my life was I not "seeing" completely? How many more experiences were I not engaging in fully because I came with expectations that prevented me from seeing the beauty of all that there was? 

In the middle of my "aha" moment, I glanced behind me as more perspective shifts unfolded. A nicely dressed man approached a seemingly transient woman who was fishing on the jetty. I had greeted her earlier, not knowing her story. The man proceeded to join her, crouching next to her poles and inspecting the spoils.  They engaged in intimate conversation. It seemed that they knew each other well. 

After this, I heard a voice. A small group with clipboards approached the couple and asked them how their day was. I thought the group worked for the city or the park system. As they came closer, I saw them ask two women walking their dogs if they were interested in taking a faith-based survey. The women declined- one didn't believe in organized religion. The other said she was "spiritual" but not interested. I think this was the first time I had actually heard someone say those words outside of the television. 

I took a breath as the group came near to where I was resting. I looked a little closer to see two men, a young girl and a teenage boy. As they began to speak, my heart told me the truth- we were family in Christ. I answered their questions and they began to smile. They shared with me how difficult it was to find someone who believed in Jesus- they were war torn. They intended to continue to keep at it until "their bodies gave out." My heart ached for them, but I understood. 

I asked if I could pray with them and they obliged. I prayed for physical strength, divine appointments and great joy. I prayed for the young girl who was also an artist- that God would expand her gift. I prayed for the teenage boy- that God would increase his gifts as he showed diligence in pursuing the heart of God. It was a treasured moment, and I would have missed it all if I hadn't turned around to face another direction. 

Sometimes we live our lives without ever turning around. How much do we miss? How much do we leave untouched or unblessed by our influence? 

Changing perspective for me means leaving my past behind. It means being brave enough to move ahead, even when I can't see what is in front of me. The truth is that I am led by the hand of the One who loves me- a Savior who will never lead me astray.

Today I choose to let Him expand my perspective. To wash away the muck from my eyes painted on by past hurts and failures. To choose new lenses. To see as if for the first time. You can too. Try it. The view is so much better this way:-)

Love you dearly,

-Melody

SUPERSTRONG.

For as long as I could remember, I thought something was wrong with me. I've been known to binge on food. I've have a huge amount of aggression. I can lift very heavy amounts of weight...I've always been able to. I eat as much as my husband. I don't need a lot of sleep to survive. When I don't feel physically strong, I feel emotionally weak.

 Most of these things are concerns that I have been trying to change for the majority of my life. I wanted to have a "thin" body...but when I did, it didn't look right on me. I "needed" to have a bigger butt- whatever that means. I obviously have my grandfather's genes... on both sides. I'm a strong girl, and I like it. There is little that is dainty about me... unless I'm wearing a dress. I often try to hide the fact that I'm extremely loud and pretty boisterous. I throw my boys around in the air and we growl like wild animals as we crawl across the living room floor. That's what I do.

I used to equate this reality to being more of a "tomboy." Back in the day, there was no other definition. The reality is that you can be extremely strong, yet completely feminine. You can be breathtakingly beautiful and still have some big guns. (In that, I am referring to your arms.) You can be a hard worker, have dirt under your nails, feet that look like you've been climbing trees and still be so very lovely. You can be the complete opposite and still be very lovely. 

I don't know how the idea ever came to my mind that strength was bad. I freaked out one day when my husband and I measured our arms together. Mine was just about an inch smaller than his. I was terrified. In reality, I was just strong. I know if I really tried, I could probably be as physically strong as he is...but I'm sure he'd never let me get that close. He's too competitive.

We had a lovely moment the other night when I was feeling overwhelmed and wanted to run away to the library. As I approached the car, he looked at me with this huge handsome smile and dared me to jump in and join him as he was skipping rope. I almost felt like a kid again. My heart began to race and I found myself letting go and trying. It was the first time in a long time that I had actually tried something new. I'd never jumped rope with my husband like that before. As he twirled the rope, I felt my soul light up. I was connecting to him and to myself. It felt like perfection as we jumped beneath the stars... the kids staring at us from the car wondering what the heck was going on.  I realized then that I needed to stop running from me. I needed to step away from the norm, no matter how many judgments or awkward stares I get. I need to be me.

I happened to stumble across a website today that confirmed that there are so many other women just like me. Looking at the pages, I immediately felt at home in my skin. I felt joyful in my epiphany that I wasn't broken and that God had simply made me strong. Awesome.

Voicing these truths are new to me, so here it is: I am an aggressive, loud, very strong woman who is often messy, loves to paint and sing her heart out before God. I enjoy the burning sensation in my chest after an intense workout and I love to lift heavy weights off of the floor...sometimes to my detriment. I have a tendency to feel I have something to prove. I enjoy needlework, being outdoors and I don't particularly like washing the dishes. I have a tendency to avoid difficult things, drive too fast on city streets, blast my music extremely loud when I am by myself and watch ridiculously cheesy wholesome movies. I have high- sometimes perfectionist personal standards and I often have a really hard time fitting my thighs in my jeans. I love to make the souls of others shine and I can't walk by someone who is in tears without asking them if they are alright.  I have a hard time parting with sentimental papers but I love getting rid of clothes. That's me. That's who I am.

Don't be surprised if I write about joining a boxing gym to train for the next Olympics or enter into a strength competition. It's probably gonna happen this year.

I love the way God made me. I love the way He perfectly knit you together as well. Let's start seeing ourselves as we were truly made to be- Perfectly crafted in the image of a beloved God. Nothing broken. Nothing missing. Nothing to be desired. Just beautiful you.

Have a great weekend.

-Mel

The Anatomy of Love

When you walk into the room, 

Love's heart skips a beat.

He sees your beauty, 

And sweeps you off your feet.

You feel a deep sigh leave your chest,

As worries fade away,

In the embrace of love 

That takes your breath away.

Unadulterated and untainted,

This love is pure.

Birthed in the heart of God, 

Forever yours.

Take heed to this love,

For it will never leave.

Let it overtake your soul.

The only love you need. 

What does love look like? It comes in many forms. In the embrace of a lover. In the precious kiss of a child. In the bending of a loved one who brings fresh water to the lips of those who are parched and thirsty. 

One thing that I know for sure- everyone needs love. I feel we'd die without it. We were meant to be loved- meant to be held in deep regard. Whether this regard is begotten from someone we know cares deeply for us or from the hand of a stranger, we all feel it. 

Warmth floods the soul as something inside whispers "I'm valuable. I'm worth something." I hope you feel this feeling everyday. May your days be painted in dear moments of the purest regard, for you are dearly loved my friend. 

In the winter of your soul, you are loved. When you are deeply broken, you are seen. When you've failed again and again, love promises to be by your side, without judgement because your intrinsic value can never be diluted or removed. Remember this. Write it upon your heart. You are loved. 

This relentless, crazy love is and will always be for you. Love is what you were made for. This is the anatomy of love, and it's as mysterious as an iceberg:-) We've only just tapped the surface. 

Let your heart come alive in this truth today. You. Are. Loved. 

-Mel

Seasons Change Everything

As soon as the first leaf heralding autumn falls to the ground, you know that change is coming. The hues of the sunset become more vibrant, and days are filled with steaming mugs of happiness, football games and fireside chats. You can hear the crunching of the leaves underneath your feet... and the skies remind you of the signs that winter will soon arrive. You see the signs.

 Hmm... In your life when great change happens, do you see the signs? Are you able to feel the great anticipation of something new breaking over your life? Today, I was in a bible study and had a epiphany. It was sparked by recent events that have brought great change. I feel like my dreams are coming to life. I feel like I am being re-made into the woman that I have always wanted to be. The past me would have cringed within my skin and hidden herself amidst the piles of clothes in the laundry room or meaningless projects around the house. Not the new me. The new me realizes that I can never go back to that place, because there is nothing to go back to. 

Change is here and it is bringing every shade of beautiful joy I could ever imagine... but back to the question at hand- Did I see the signs? Yes I did, but I don't know if I fully believed them. I was in a place of desperation. I was thirsty for change. Here is what happened:

 Months ago, I was in a church service and Shawn Bolz, the Senior Pastor of Expression58 in Los Angeles, began to speak prophetically over me. He spoke of destiny, of promises fulfilled and of great change. The changes that he spoke of were so great, that in my state of chaos, I could not see myself walking out any of the words that were spoken during that particular season of my life. I wanted to do so, so badly, but I just wasn't ready. 

Back to the epiphany. Today I realized this: The thing about prophecy is that there is usually a place that God needs to take you through to get there. That is why such words of promise can mean so much to the human heart. It is because when we get the Word, it is the heralding of healing that is coming! There is great hope spoken to the broken heart in this, because that heart knows it will not stay as it has always been! It will be made new. Prophecy is a promise that we are getting an upgrade! I can't tell you enough how much I've needed one. I've lived sick and un-motivated, full of sorrow, exhausted with a poor outlook on life and an incorrect view of God for many, many years. 

What joy it brings to my heart to know that I will never go back to that place! I couldn't ask for a better gift. You know what, it doesn't end there. With every season that I traverse through, I will be given more strength and wisdom to move forward. The same is true for you! This is such great news for all of us. 

If you been wallowing in "sameness" for many seasons like I had been, know it will not last forever. God loves you too dearly to let you stay the same way. There may be a bit of death that comes with the changing of the seasons.  Old pieces of you that were no good, may fall away to the ground and get crushed underfoot like felled leaves, but know this-In such death, you are given new life. Rejoice in that truth my friend! Let's celebrate seasons of change today. 

Love,

-Mel

 

Beautiful Bravery

No one can pick and choose what hand they are dealt. Some are blessed with riches. Some live in environments of emotional poverty. Some can easily reach for the stars, while others feel like they are shouting aimlessly at the skies. Each journey is significant. Each journey takes bravery.

It takes great bravery to wake up in the morning when you're drudging through a bout of depression. It takes bravery to try again for a promised child when you've experienced great loss-knowing you just have to try again even if that means possibly losing another. It takes bravery to love when you know it may never be reciprocated. It takes bravery to lay down shattered dreams for hope, sorrow for joy or a broken outlook for a more healthy one. 

I got some unfavorable news about my body from a doctor this week. My mind didn't seem surprised, but my heart was grasping for a place to rest. A bit of emotional paralysis ensued. The difficulty for me was that there was nothing that I did to make this issue happen. I eat well, I exercise, but truly I think I've dealt with the ailment off and on since childhood. It was just never properly diagnosed. Miracles and the providence of God hid its symptoms. I didn't really know how to feel, or what to think. My heart didn't feel strong or bold. I didn't really feel brave. I needed heavenly direction.

I went to a meeting and a dear friend came along. I was probably wearing my bewilderment on my face and my heart was not ready to be engaged in the presentation. I was on the edge of tears, barely holding it together as I scanned the room, politely nodding to strangers... Grasping for someone to listen. Moments before the meeting began, I whispered in my friend's ear what was going on. Immediately she began to speak words of life to me. She spoke directly to the issues of my heart. Everything around me faded away and the beauty of truth was all that I could see. I began to feel tangible strength in my spirit and heart. My mind began to change, shifting to a positive and realistic place of hope. I was reminded of the Father's love for me. I was reminded that I had the authority to change everything. To rise instead of fall. To tenaciously demand change from myself and my surroundings. To make tragedy bend to the will of God and to my irrevocable promise as His daughter. 

 In choosing how to direct your resolve, it is difficult to stand when you feel like Big Fat Life is sitting squarely on your chest. In the face of issues like these what are your options? You can choose to let waves of self-pity and defeat crash over you and let a victim mentality sweep you away into the uncharted waters of a worse diagnosis and unfulfilled dreams... Or, you can choose to rise up in strength, promise and hope, see the reality of the situation and fight to change it. I don't have to tell you what the better choice is. Your heart already knows. Even when you feel like you're just going through the motions, keep moving forward in speaking life over your situation and the resolve that you need will eventually take over. 

So, today I choose to be brave. I choose to overcome. I choose to be still and know that He will make everything work for my good. I choose to believe the truth that says:

"Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good." -Romans 8:28 MSG

Today, if you feel like you've been up against an army of woes, remember this my friend: You are beautifully brave! You will make it through if you set your heart on the truth that ALL things can work together for your good. Remember what God says and take hold of every promise that is yours. You deserve everything He has for you.

Love,

-Mel

Letters to God: Part Two

Dear Savior,

Did you know that you are my dream? I want to be consistently like you. I love how when I stray away from the ideals of your heart,  you always go out of your way to show me what really matters. I am overwhelmed when I think about how patient you are with me. I make so many mistakes but your love for me doesn't change. Thank you for loving me enough to encounter my world. Thank you for changing everything. There is no better place I could be than with you. The more I am aware of your presence, the richer I feel. You are my treasure. I am eternally yours.

Love,

Mel

Letters to God: Part One

Hello friends! This post is the beginning of a four part series called "Letters to God."  I often desire to get away and have a little "Jesus time," but there are so many diapers to change, meetings to attend and dishes to wash, that in the busyness of life, quiet time can unfortunately become an afterthought.

For those who have taken the time to connect your heart to heaven, it is easy to find that there is a wellspring of strength in those moments that can set your heart and mind in the best place that it could be to begin your day.

The content of these posts will be simple. Just a letter to God as I drink my tea and the kids are watching Mickey Mouse in the living room. I am attempting to prove to myself that quiet times can be done with kids:-) I just took the time and I was immediately overwhelmed with His presence and love. I am too old to have excuses anymore, and the cost of omitting such moments is too great when I am raising warriors.

I would like to challenge you to do the same. In the midst of your day, take 3-5 minutes to write a honest letter to God- even if you have to do it while hiding in the bathroom:-) Here we go!

 Dear Daddy:

When I put to bed my striving and it's just me and you, I come face to face with my destiny-to be captured by your heart and hidden in the beauty of your grace. Held within your deep regard for me. Oh, how I can so easily miss the most important things in the hustle of life, but with a single moment, your love comes flooding in and I find everything that I need. Everything that I've been hungry for. My worries and issues become insignificant in the beauty of your love. My shortcomings disappear because I'm perfect in your eyes. Oh, if I could just live in the strength of these moments everyday! Just place everything that I carry at your beloved feet, then I would truly fly. Thank you dear Father for showing me that I  have purpose. That my life has meaning and that I am and eternally will be the object of your affection. Thank you for making me come alive and for washing away all that makes me feel guilty, dirty and worthless. You are everything I need. Your heart and character is what I desire to become. You. are. everything. 

I love you dearly,

Mel

 

 

 

Turn the Fire Up

You can always tell what someone is made of when they go through the fire. Some come out stronger. Some find that their resolve was as fragile as the chaff that they've become.

Some of the most painful and most difficult fires we encounter are those involving loved ones. Petty arguments, easy mistakes. They happen all the time. Their wake can easily leave us paralyzed in the decision of what to do next. Do we fall apart or do we fight? Do we run away or do we stay? Do we face tough conversations head on or do we build walls? It all depends on what you're made of. 

Today, the heat got turned up a little bit in my house. I woke up like a zombie- barely got a wink of sleep with a teething seven month old. The hubby wakes up peppy, peaceful and gorgeous. He makes breakfast and is ready to go to church. The kids are at the table. I put the baby in the high chair and  start feeding him in the midst shoving fistfulls of eggs in my mouth. No shower, wearing dirty clothes, no make up. Worn out, and functioning on little brain power. Here comes the heat. 

My husband  makes a comment about how he needs to lose weight- he has a very athletic build and desires to cut his body fat percentage down so his muscles can be more defined. I get that. My mind becomes overwhelmed with ways to respond- mostly centering around the "Are you freakin' serious dude?! You don't need to lose no weight!" Mind you- the brain's not all there yet. How do I respond? Pull up my shirt and motion to my recently stretched mom tummy, roll my eyes and pretend to flip the table over. Now, this is a gesture that my husband and I do often when we think something is ridiculous...but I forgot that the legs of the table need to be tightened. My pretend flip sent my husband's hot tea pouring all over his lap. Now the Fire is on. 

My brain sobers up real quick and I sheepishly cover my mouth with my hands, profusely  apologizing as he storms away to clean up the mess on his clothes. He mumbles something with the word "stupid" under his breath. I sit there with the kids who were watching the whole thing. I look at their stunned faces and say "Mommy didn't mean to do that. I'm so sorry." The oldest one tells me I'm in big trouble and that I need to clean up this mess.  As I rise to right this wrong, the thoughts come flooding in. More desperate than usual. I could tell I was burnt out. They sounded something like this: "I wish I could just run away...to the ocean...by myself...maybe forever. I need a vacation." 

I wipe up the tea and see my kids faces again. In steps the voice of shame. "I'm such a bad example. What the heck was I thinking?" ..."Wait, did he call me stupid? "Doesn't he know my love language is words of affirmation?" My hearts starts tearing apart. I cross the counter and in enters desperation. My eye catches a knife laying still on the laminate. I imagine where it could take me. I could never go there...right? I walk to the laundry room, close the door, and bury my head in the clothes on top a shelf. I let the tears soak the linens. It was time to bring it back to reality. 

I thought about how my husband was feeling. Anger came. We're his precious clothes more important than me? Can't he see how exhausted I am? Does he even care? Softening, I wonder: Have I broken his heart from my mistake? Does he have grace for me? I whispered a prayer to God "Lord, please help me to remedy this. I made a big mess." I was exhausted. I needed the courage to move forward. I hear my husband come out of the bedroom. Clothes changed, calm and beautiful. Carrying peace. In the waiting, you can feel the tension. In my fear of rejection, I quickly started to build walls around my heart. "He can just go to church without me. I'm not ready anyway..." Then I thought "No!" If I stay home, then there is no victory. There is no remedy. There are only walls. I can't have that."

 I thought I was doing nursery, so we agreed on driving separate cars. I felt more separation in my heart. We said our goodbyes, and in the embrace, the fire was over. The walls immediately crumbled to the ground. I said It was truly an accident. He said that he put himself in my shoes. He knew I was exhausted. We apologized for words spoken and deeds done. With a kiss, all was right in the world and I didn't want to leave his side. I later came home to dinner done, flowers on the table and kombucha in the fridge. That's a love worth fighting for. 

James 1:2-4 says:

"Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don’t try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way."

The fire gave me a glimpse of my heart today. Yes, there are some things exposed that will one day become forgotten chaff. I will conquer them one counseling session with Jesus at a time. Until then, I make the resolution, that through every fire, I choose to be victorious. I will feel the heat. Through every moment of desperation, I must bring it back to the Love of the Father who enables me to stand. You can too. 

Love you,

-Mel