SUPERSTRONG.

For as long as I could remember, I thought something was wrong with me. I've been known to binge on food. I've have a huge amount of aggression. I can lift very heavy amounts of weight...I've always been able to. I eat as much as my husband. I don't need a lot of sleep to survive. When I don't feel physically strong, I feel emotionally weak.

 Most of these things are concerns that I have been trying to change for the majority of my life. I wanted to have a "thin" body...but when I did, it didn't look right on me. I "needed" to have a bigger butt- whatever that means. I obviously have my grandfather's genes... on both sides. I'm a strong girl, and I like it. There is little that is dainty about me... unless I'm wearing a dress. I often try to hide the fact that I'm extremely loud and pretty boisterous. I throw my boys around in the air and we growl like wild animals as we crawl across the living room floor. That's what I do.

I used to equate this reality to being more of a "tomboy." Back in the day, there was no other definition. The reality is that you can be extremely strong, yet completely feminine. You can be breathtakingly beautiful and still have some big guns. (In that, I am referring to your arms.) You can be a hard worker, have dirt under your nails, feet that look like you've been climbing trees and still be so very lovely. You can be the complete opposite and still be very lovely. 

I don't know how the idea ever came to my mind that strength was bad. I freaked out one day when my husband and I measured our arms together. Mine was just about an inch smaller than his. I was terrified. In reality, I was just strong. I know if I really tried, I could probably be as physically strong as he is...but I'm sure he'd never let me get that close. He's too competitive.

We had a lovely moment the other night when I was feeling overwhelmed and wanted to run away to the library. As I approached the car, he looked at me with this huge handsome smile and dared me to jump in and join him as he was skipping rope. I almost felt like a kid again. My heart began to race and I found myself letting go and trying. It was the first time in a long time that I had actually tried something new. I'd never jumped rope with my husband like that before. As he twirled the rope, I felt my soul light up. I was connecting to him and to myself. It felt like perfection as we jumped beneath the stars... the kids staring at us from the car wondering what the heck was going on.  I realized then that I needed to stop running from me. I needed to step away from the norm, no matter how many judgments or awkward stares I get. I need to be me.

I happened to stumble across a website today that confirmed that there are so many other women just like me. Looking at the pages, I immediately felt at home in my skin. I felt joyful in my epiphany that I wasn't broken and that God had simply made me strong. Awesome.

Voicing these truths are new to me, so here it is: I am an aggressive, loud, very strong woman who is often messy, loves to paint and sing her heart out before God. I enjoy the burning sensation in my chest after an intense workout and I love to lift heavy weights off of the floor...sometimes to my detriment. I have a tendency to feel I have something to prove. I enjoy needlework, being outdoors and I don't particularly like washing the dishes. I have a tendency to avoid difficult things, drive too fast on city streets, blast my music extremely loud when I am by myself and watch ridiculously cheesy wholesome movies. I have high- sometimes perfectionist personal standards and I often have a really hard time fitting my thighs in my jeans. I love to make the souls of others shine and I can't walk by someone who is in tears without asking them if they are alright.  I have a hard time parting with sentimental papers but I love getting rid of clothes. That's me. That's who I am.

Don't be surprised if I write about joining a boxing gym to train for the next Olympics or enter into a strength competition. It's probably gonna happen this year.

I love the way God made me. I love the way He perfectly knit you together as well. Let's start seeing ourselves as we were truly made to be- Perfectly crafted in the image of a beloved God. Nothing broken. Nothing missing. Nothing to be desired. Just beautiful you.

Have a great weekend.

-Mel

Oops, I did it again!

It has definitely been a week of far too many mistakes for me. Most of the mistakes have centered around my bad attitude. This week I found myself painfully regretting my words, screaming obscenities at the bathroom ceiling, not desiring to be around people in general...feeling like everyone is judging me...

The culprit? Well, there has been an issue festering in my mind for the past few months and it has been getting worse. An issue of white carpet. I know it sounds petty, but you'll soon see what I mean. 

One of things that makes me happier than anything, is having a clean floor that my kids can play on. The floors become wrestling mats, movie seats, places for sleepovers and impromptu picnics. A place where my littlest guy, Ethan, will soon learn to crawl... but in our house, there is a problem. 

You see, when we bought this wonderful house back in March, upon viewing it, my nose was immediately struck with the pungent odor of cat urine. Since we moved in, I've found myself on hands and knees scrubbing pockets of feces from previous occupants that I've discovered on the berber, and treating potty accidents that I can't quite seem to get out. It's been a constant battle that I've been losing. 

To add insult to injury, we recently added a new member to our family. His name is Cashew and he's a Chihuahua. Born with the providential "deer" head shape, instead of the usual bubble eyes and unsightly underbite most breeds have, he quickly stole everyone's heart. Everyone but mine...well partially...Why, because he pees and poops everywhere! I'm slowly working on potty training him, but he makes far too many mistakes in the house. 5+ a week! Can you imagine how things are starting to smell in here? Like a freakin' toilet. 

Ok. I digress. Back to the issue of mistakes. The dog has been making mistakes and so have I. Not on the carpet of course...in my attitude. In my character. Unfortunately, bad religion has left an indelible mark on my psyche, and this week, I've subconsciously employed the view that God will not bless me or draw near to me because of my dumb mistakes regarding my attitude. I can't think of a better lie to believe.  Even in my quiet time, as I breathed prayers to my Savior, I found myself subtly believing that I'd been just too bad for Him to answer the ones that were closest to my heart. I was believing lies. To remind me of His great love, guess what He did? Let me tell ya.

On Wednesday I was making dinner and was so angry about how disgusting the floors were- covered in the gamut of dog vomit, poo and urine with a slight smell of cat pee to tie it all together. As I'm trying to get over it, I catch sweet little Cashew eating poop out of a diaper he retrieved from the trash. That's when I HAD it. I stormed out of the kitchen to my prayer closet and just cried to Jesus, about everything- basically had an adult tantrum. This isn't how I planned my home to be! If it isn't orderly, can it at least be sanitary?! I remember specifically telling God that I would love new vinyl floors to fill the house at the cost of $250. I felt better. Got food on the table. Put the kids to bed without incident. Kinda forgot about it.

Last night I finally decided to end my pity party and dominate the white carpets.  I wouldn't be a victim any longer! I would shampoo them everyday if I had to...starting tomorrow. Well, I happened to jump on Craigslist before bed and what did I see? An ad for Vinyl flooring in 5 colors for 25 cents a square foot. There was a minimum of 1000 sq. feet to purchase to get the deal. What does that come out to? $250! Woo hoo! I am so overjoyed at this prayer answered. Seriously guys, believe me when I tell you this truly reminded me of God's love. 

So, no matter how far how bad you feel you've been this week, or how petty you think your prayers are, there is so much love and grace for you. God loves you no matter what and He will make sure you know it, even if you've had a crappy attitude. 

I grabbed samples of the flooring this afternoon. I'm picking up the lot in the morning. Hallelujah! So happy! Rant over. 

Have a great weekend! :-)

-Mel