A Real Marriage Killer

I want to touch on something important today. Because of it's importance, I'm going to be very candid with you. Here it is: Unchecked emotional baggage is a marriage killer.

What I mean by this is simple. Every one of us has a story. Those stories are made up of very specific experiences. These experiences can be good or bad. If the majority of these experiences are negative, or traumatic, our worldviews tend to mirror that reality. If the majority of these experiences are positive and healthy, our worldviews, in turn reflect that reality as well. 

Far too many experience trauma in childhood, adolescence or even adulthood that leaves undeniable scars on the psyche- scars that cannot be removed without great introspection, counseling, time and healing.  Far too many think that beginning relationships with healthy individuals, a change of environment or elevated social status will alter that reality, but this is not the case. If lives are lived this way- glossing over horrible experiences with "good" things, the results can be devastating. 

Take marriages for example. We finally get to a place in our lives where the trauma has stopped, time has lapsed or we "feel" better. Every now and then we may experience triggers to the past, but we chalk it up to getting over it. It's been ten years since that rape. It shouldn't bother me now...right? No. Wrong. Horribly wrong. That single traumatic event will paint a marriage a horrific shade of gray, (Not the 50 shades that most ladies wish it would...and no I didn't read the book. Don't even get me started on that one.) because there are no rose colored glasses for that kind of trauma. It MUST be healed. It MUST be talked about. A good marriage will not heal it. Time will not erase it. 

The same thing goes for emotional or physical abuse, addiction, incest or other sexual trauma, the loss of a loved one-no matter how seemingly insignificant, those events change our hearts and minds. 

Time for the candid part. Back in college, I was an emotional wreck. Key close familial relationships were so subtly and blatantly toxic that I seriously thought I was losing my mind. I remember having a conversation on the phone in my dorm room with my dad that left me reeling.  Not only was the content of that conversation unhealthy, but it was so influenced by years of trauma, unhealthy views about myself, God, others and life that I literally could not make sense of it. I was analyzing and overanalyzing the conversation. There was no remedy. There was no thinking my way out of it. I had to do something about it. I know this is very general, but let me be specific.

Because of the sexual boundaries that had been crossed by friends, acquaintances, strangers and extended family since the age of 4, I had no idea how to privately employ physical and sexual boundaries with men..or women for that matter. If I was ever in a one on one situation with someone who had sexual intentions with me, I was done for. I didn't know how to fight. I just knew how to reluctantly comply. Can you imagine how dangerous that was for a child? For an adolescent? For a newlywed if left unchecked? It was a very tangible horror for me. I would constantly find myself submitting myself to God. Building walls in relationships to the point that I got over spiritual and cold to good men because I was simply trying to survive...to others I was an open door. Take what you want guys, I have no boundaries and I am a victim.

Because of the unhealthy baggage that I was carrying, I would often attract individuals who would trample on my boundaries. I would go from friendship to friendship, relationship to relationship just looking for someone safe who would honor my body and heart. What I needed was to be healthy enough to do that for myself. 

Fast forward to a few years in while dating my current husband. An amazing man with baggage of his own. I had walls in all the wrong places, still hadn't dealt with that past junk. I'd read some good Christian books, but they only put a bandage on a gaping wound. I was plagued with so much insecurity in a pretty secure relationship that I couldn't rest until I made sure my environments were safe, so matter how unhealthy my methods.  I remember walking downtown with my love on a wonderful date and an attractive woman walks by. Much more attractive than me in my eyes. Immediately I began to shut down and get defensive. 

Here is the toxic conversation going on in my head. 

"Is he comparing me to her right now? I can never grow my hair that long. She is so beautiful. I wish I looked like that. He probably wants to be with her instead of me." All the while, he's smiling in my eyes and holding my hand. I finally blurt out to the oblivious boyfriend "Did you just check her out?!" The dumbfounded boyfriend assures me that he didn't. He is enraptured in his love and regard for me, but all I can see is my broken worldview. Way to put a damper on date night... or a marriage. 

The hard part for me was that I believed behind closed doors, he would choose her. This was because all that was perpetuated against me was behind closed doors. It was a horrifying way to live.

In college, Jon and I were two peas in a pod. Completely in love. Anyone on the outside or inside our close circle of friends and family knew that. What they didn't know was what was going on inside my head.

Jon and I worked together at the YMCA for many years as Youth Development Staff. In any employment situation, you work with all kinds of people. To this day when I think about a situation that I experienced, I feel so sorry for the poor girl that I confronted. A beautiful young woman, super bubbly and thin-pretty much everything I wished I was at the time, worked with us as well. 

My work was administrative while Jon's was more hands on with the kids. She was paired with him in their classroom. I often found myself leaving my desk to "check up" on their classroom. Was everything ok? Did they need any more supplies? AKA Is he starting to fall in love with her?! Really? How damaging and toxic was this way of thinking? Yeah, my exclusive, I love you to death, love note writing, I'll sing Jesus loves me for you at a drop of a hat, let me show the world my queen, 3+ year boyfriend would just kick me to the curb to be with a more beautiful and thin STRANGER. It was completely irrational...but it was so real to me. I was convinced that he would. Why? Because of my unhealthy mind painted by unhealthy conversations by people that I held in a high regard and unhealthy experiences that I lived through. 

It was eating me alive until finally I cornered her in the bathroom one day.  I blurted out "Do you like Jon?" Dumbfounded (I seemed to have that reaction on people because I seemed to be very secure) She was like "What?! Nooo!" She graciously overlooked my huge outburst and we actually became close friends and are still friends today. Thank God that interaction ended well. 

It was undeniable that my brokenness was seeping out of my ears. That time in my dorm room was when I couldn't stand it anymore. I had to get help or I would lose my mind or chase away the love of my life. Mind you, this one emotional category was one of MANY. If sexual stuff and insecurities were this intense, you could imagine how I felt about food, the role of a father, God, my body, racial and socioeconomic issues and countless more. There was no part of me that was left untouched. I was a wreck. So, I leu of keeping my sanity I began to seek out help. 

I went through a string of counselors until I found two that were a perfect fit for me. One was an amazing pastor at my church who laid the foundation of emotional health and loving well. He did Jon and my pre-marital and personal counseling and it was amazing. We were completely different people when we walked down the aisle from where we had been before because of his methods, but that was only the beginning. 

The other counselor an unlikely older, very wise, unattractive, soft spoken and amazingly direct Christian man, counseled me out of his living room. I paid with cash and began to dredge through the mess of my life. By this time I was married. I WAS MARRIED!!! With all of that crap going on inside. It was by the grace of God that I stayed that way. I could have single-handedly sabotaged one of most substantial gifts God had ever given to me. One counselor taught us how to love and how to stay married. The other unearthed the foundations of years of dysfunction and taught me how to rebuild them in the strength of Jesus... Brick by brick. 

Check this out: within my familial circle, 5 out of 7 couples ended up or are currently facing divorce. That's over 74%. 74% of MY personal family. Yes, there were many different circumstances that ended these marriages. Yes, with all of the baggage present, for many it seemed healthier to walk away...but in my heart I truly believe if the issues were dealt with prior to marriage or attacked relentlessly within the marriage, that 74% may have worked out just fine. I'm thankful things have worked out or are getting better for everyone involved in these relationships, but watching my parents and other couples go through it, I would never wish divorce on anyone. 

Now, opening up old baggage is no walk in the park. It looks like hashing out issues such as sexual abuse or rape...how you may still smell the stench of your attackers in your nose and remember very clearly what happened when you try to be intimate with your spouse.  It's talking about how a father abandoned you or how a mother screamed in your face everyday telling you how worthless you were. It entails remembering how you had no pretend you weren't hungry at school because you didn't want anyone to know you were living under a bridge and had no where to lay your head at night. It is speaking about how you may have been locked in a closet, beaten until you were bloody or speaking about years of entangling porn addiction. These issues are real, and time does not make them go away. Marriage to a good person does not make them go away.

I could have been there too-facing divorce. In the bliss of loving and walking beside my husband as the children came, autopilot began to take over. There were still heart-wounds in me that were unaddressed. My husband and I lived around each other. Because of schedules, there was little time to connect, and we were not intentional. We were burned out. The only way I woke up to this reality was through a dream.

In the dream, Jon and I were attending the wedding of a mutual friend. I was supposed to sing for the ceremony and he was my guest.  The event was in a huge barn and it was a beautiful day. I went up on the stage to rehearse and looked around to find him. I loved when Jon cheered me on when I sang and I was missing my man. I finally spotted him. He was dressed in a flowing white  tunic. I watched him as he flung open the double doors of the barn to a courtyard where he spread out his arms and began to dance, spinning and twirling...by himself. He had the biggest smile on his face. He was so happy. All of a sudden, out of nowhere,  a violent tornado ripped through the courtyard and snatched him away. There was nothing left. I just stood there with my mouth and heart gaping, terrified. Then I woke up. I felt like I couldn't breathe.

 My heart was beating out of my chest and I heard a still small voice that said very clearly, "If you don't change the course of your marriage, the results will be devastating." That's all I needed to hear. I frantically scrambled groping in the darkness for my husband. Once I found him, I just lay my head on his chest weeping...just listening to his heartbeat. He was alive and he was with me. 

I can't tell you how real that dream was to me. Needless to say things have changed. Date nights and coffee have been happening. We decided there would be no more kids for us...at least not for a long time. We'd experienced our limits. We decided it was time for my husband to change his profession in the near future. Living life like this was not worth it. It was time to love and grow. Most importantly, no more auto-pilot for us. It was time to be intentional.

Intentionality begets healing my friend. It means changing the way things have always been, no matter how foreign or taboo they may seem. For the sake of everything that you deserve and for everything you are to become please don't let any issues become water under the bridge. Sooner or later those waters rise up so high you may just find yourself drowning. Maybe you are already there like I was. 

The process of healing may feel like you were run over by a train. It may feel like heaviness on your shoulders and a lot of days wondering why in the heck all of this mess is happening to you. It takes painful realizations that you must forgive so that you may be free. It takes facing the difficulty of releasing pain or memories that you may have even found yourself proud to have endured. You don't need another bed buddy. You need healing. You deserve freedom.

It took many years, but my husband and I did the work individually and as a couple to be where we are today. Yes, things can always improve. Yes, issues come up sometimes that need to be addressed- hence my previous post. Life goes on, pain happens...but so does great joy when you pursue health in a marriage. So comes great freedom. You deserve that love.

If any of this resonates with you, sit in that reality for a while. When you are ready, move to change it. The solutions may not always be found "fixing" your spouse. They may just be rooted in healing yourself.  Something to think about: When you are truly healthy, inner turmoil shouldn't be happening. Are you there yet? 

Let's work on emotional health this year. It's time. For yourself. For your future. For your marriage.

Never stop pursuing health. Never stop fighting for love.

Love you,

-Mel

Happy New Year!

The New Year came bearing gifts for me. It was like at the stroke of midnight, a wheelbarrow of heirloomed ugly sweaters, stale gingerbread houses and lacquered Matryoshka dolls were placed at my door step.

These proverbial "gifts" were actually the realization of layered baggage that I had been carrying around for years, but because of its pretty packaging and my thick skin I didn't realize how deeply wounded I truly was. It was like my angel brought all of these things to me and was like "This is supposed to be a freakin' amazing year! I'm tired of seeing you cart all of this crap around. Deal with it now!"

It began when things started happening that started shaking me up inside. A repressed memory from my childhood resurfaced that I had to address. I heard bad news about a friend that had been the cause of decades of pain for them. I was at the local grocery store and the security guard tried to give me a neck massage! Agh! Yeah, that one took the cake...and more. What a first week huh?


I began to see very quickly that this year was very different from previous ones. Because of this, I had to learn a few things and learn them quick. Here is what I have gleaned from these experiences so far:

I really have to be more careful to guard my self in casual conversation. I am generally a very warm and encouraging person. Some mistake this for weakness or open access to my heart or body. This is NOT the case. I'm just showing the love of Jesus, but not everyone will respect the call on my life or my boundaries. It is my job to make those very clear...especially to strangers.

It's time to shrink my inner circle of friends. We've all experienced it...The coffee chat with a friend that was completely one sided, poisonous and just downright draining. I want to surround myself with people who are positive and edifying. Who are ready and willing to participate in a healthy reciprocating friendship. Those who are not catty and those who can see beyond themselves. I can't share God's love with the world and execute great vision when I am self-centered or stuck. I need to be around healthy people to keep my outlook healthy. People who are where I am and also those who have been where I want to be.

I need to refocus and clearly define how I spend my time. I've spoken before about how I have had far too many pots in the fire...and for what? It is time for me to choose what my passions are and pursue them. To determine where my focus should be and stay there. For me, those are my faith, my self, my family and finally my ambitions.  That would look like this:

• Faith: To know Jesus more and to heal from any discrepancies in my spiritual identity.
• Family: To spend time cultivating a deeper and more passionate relationship with my husband by having a date night every week. To stop fighting my kids and become their greatest cheerleader. To kill clutter in my home to maintain peace and joy.
• Myself: To know who I am and become comfortable in my skin and joyful in who I have been made to be. To get counseling to completely heal from past baggage. To spend more time reading. To exercise in a way that brings me great joy and great results. 
• Ambitions: To make my art business come alive this year. To make enough passive income with my husband so that he doesn't have to work and we can focus on doing what we love. To finally pursue my music.

This is my vision for the year. To truly change my pace and stamp intentionality of every day that I live.  Habakkuk 2:2-3 Says:

"Write the Revelation and make it plain on tablets so that a herald may run with it. For the revelation awaits for the appointed time; it speaks of the end and will not prove false. Though it linger, wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay."

I truly believe that this is the year that the long awaited visions that we have will come to pass if we walk out in God's direction and keep moving forward. I am excited to see what this year has to bring and to finally deal with that wheelbarrow:-) I can't wait to see what is in store for you as well. Write your vision down and pursue it! Have a wonderful day and a Happy New Year!

-Mel

Beautiful Bravery

No one can pick and choose what hand they are dealt. Some are blessed with riches. Some live in environments of emotional poverty. Some can easily reach for the stars, while others feel like they are shouting aimlessly at the skies. Each journey is significant. Each journey takes bravery.

It takes great bravery to wake up in the morning when you're drudging through a bout of depression. It takes bravery to try again for a promised child when you've experienced great loss-knowing you just have to try again even if that means possibly losing another. It takes bravery to love when you know it may never be reciprocated. It takes bravery to lay down shattered dreams for hope, sorrow for joy or a broken outlook for a more healthy one. 

I got some unfavorable news about my body from a doctor this week. My mind didn't seem surprised, but my heart was grasping for a place to rest. A bit of emotional paralysis ensued. The difficulty for me was that there was nothing that I did to make this issue happen. I eat well, I exercise, but truly I think I've dealt with the ailment off and on since childhood. It was just never properly diagnosed. Miracles and the providence of God hid its symptoms. I didn't really know how to feel, or what to think. My heart didn't feel strong or bold. I didn't really feel brave. I needed heavenly direction.

I went to a meeting and a dear friend came along. I was probably wearing my bewilderment on my face and my heart was not ready to be engaged in the presentation. I was on the edge of tears, barely holding it together as I scanned the room, politely nodding to strangers... Grasping for someone to listen. Moments before the meeting began, I whispered in my friend's ear what was going on. Immediately she began to speak words of life to me. She spoke directly to the issues of my heart. Everything around me faded away and the beauty of truth was all that I could see. I began to feel tangible strength in my spirit and heart. My mind began to change, shifting to a positive and realistic place of hope. I was reminded of the Father's love for me. I was reminded that I had the authority to change everything. To rise instead of fall. To tenaciously demand change from myself and my surroundings. To make tragedy bend to the will of God and to my irrevocable promise as His daughter. 

 In choosing how to direct your resolve, it is difficult to stand when you feel like Big Fat Life is sitting squarely on your chest. In the face of issues like these what are your options? You can choose to let waves of self-pity and defeat crash over you and let a victim mentality sweep you away into the uncharted waters of a worse diagnosis and unfulfilled dreams... Or, you can choose to rise up in strength, promise and hope, see the reality of the situation and fight to change it. I don't have to tell you what the better choice is. Your heart already knows. Even when you feel like you're just going through the motions, keep moving forward in speaking life over your situation and the resolve that you need will eventually take over. 

So, today I choose to be brave. I choose to overcome. I choose to be still and know that He will make everything work for my good. I choose to believe the truth that says:

"Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good." -Romans 8:28 MSG

Today, if you feel like you've been up against an army of woes, remember this my friend: You are beautifully brave! You will make it through if you set your heart on the truth that ALL things can work together for your good. Remember what God says and take hold of every promise that is yours. You deserve everything He has for you.

Love,

-Mel

Letters to God: Part One

Hello friends! This post is the beginning of a four part series called "Letters to God."  I often desire to get away and have a little "Jesus time," but there are so many diapers to change, meetings to attend and dishes to wash, that in the busyness of life, quiet time can unfortunately become an afterthought.

For those who have taken the time to connect your heart to heaven, it is easy to find that there is a wellspring of strength in those moments that can set your heart and mind in the best place that it could be to begin your day.

The content of these posts will be simple. Just a letter to God as I drink my tea and the kids are watching Mickey Mouse in the living room. I am attempting to prove to myself that quiet times can be done with kids:-) I just took the time and I was immediately overwhelmed with His presence and love. I am too old to have excuses anymore, and the cost of omitting such moments is too great when I am raising warriors.

I would like to challenge you to do the same. In the midst of your day, take 3-5 minutes to write a honest letter to God- even if you have to do it while hiding in the bathroom:-) Here we go!

 Dear Daddy:

When I put to bed my striving and it's just me and you, I come face to face with my destiny-to be captured by your heart and hidden in the beauty of your grace. Held within your deep regard for me. Oh, how I can so easily miss the most important things in the hustle of life, but with a single moment, your love comes flooding in and I find everything that I need. Everything that I've been hungry for. My worries and issues become insignificant in the beauty of your love. My shortcomings disappear because I'm perfect in your eyes. Oh, if I could just live in the strength of these moments everyday! Just place everything that I carry at your beloved feet, then I would truly fly. Thank you dear Father for showing me that I  have purpose. That my life has meaning and that I am and eternally will be the object of your affection. Thank you for making me come alive and for washing away all that makes me feel guilty, dirty and worthless. You are everything I need. Your heart and character is what I desire to become. You. are. everything. 

I love you dearly,

Mel

 

 

 

Turn the Fire Up

You can always tell what someone is made of when they go through the fire. Some come out stronger. Some find that their resolve was as fragile as the chaff that they've become.

Some of the most painful and most difficult fires we encounter are those involving loved ones. Petty arguments, easy mistakes. They happen all the time. Their wake can easily leave us paralyzed in the decision of what to do next. Do we fall apart or do we fight? Do we run away or do we stay? Do we face tough conversations head on or do we build walls? It all depends on what you're made of. 

Today, the heat got turned up a little bit in my house. I woke up like a zombie- barely got a wink of sleep with a teething seven month old. The hubby wakes up peppy, peaceful and gorgeous. He makes breakfast and is ready to go to church. The kids are at the table. I put the baby in the high chair and  start feeding him in the midst shoving fistfulls of eggs in my mouth. No shower, wearing dirty clothes, no make up. Worn out, and functioning on little brain power. Here comes the heat. 

My husband  makes a comment about how he needs to lose weight- he has a very athletic build and desires to cut his body fat percentage down so his muscles can be more defined. I get that. My mind becomes overwhelmed with ways to respond- mostly centering around the "Are you freakin' serious dude?! You don't need to lose no weight!" Mind you- the brain's not all there yet. How do I respond? Pull up my shirt and motion to my recently stretched mom tummy, roll my eyes and pretend to flip the table over. Now, this is a gesture that my husband and I do often when we think something is ridiculous...but I forgot that the legs of the table need to be tightened. My pretend flip sent my husband's hot tea pouring all over his lap. Now the Fire is on. 

My brain sobers up real quick and I sheepishly cover my mouth with my hands, profusely  apologizing as he storms away to clean up the mess on his clothes. He mumbles something with the word "stupid" under his breath. I sit there with the kids who were watching the whole thing. I look at their stunned faces and say "Mommy didn't mean to do that. I'm so sorry." The oldest one tells me I'm in big trouble and that I need to clean up this mess.  As I rise to right this wrong, the thoughts come flooding in. More desperate than usual. I could tell I was burnt out. They sounded something like this: "I wish I could just run away...to the ocean...by myself...maybe forever. I need a vacation." 

I wipe up the tea and see my kids faces again. In steps the voice of shame. "I'm such a bad example. What the heck was I thinking?" ..."Wait, did he call me stupid? "Doesn't he know my love language is words of affirmation?" My hearts starts tearing apart. I cross the counter and in enters desperation. My eye catches a knife laying still on the laminate. I imagine where it could take me. I could never go there...right? I walk to the laundry room, close the door, and bury my head in the clothes on top a shelf. I let the tears soak the linens. It was time to bring it back to reality. 

I thought about how my husband was feeling. Anger came. We're his precious clothes more important than me? Can't he see how exhausted I am? Does he even care? Softening, I wonder: Have I broken his heart from my mistake? Does he have grace for me? I whispered a prayer to God "Lord, please help me to remedy this. I made a big mess." I was exhausted. I needed the courage to move forward. I hear my husband come out of the bedroom. Clothes changed, calm and beautiful. Carrying peace. In the waiting, you can feel the tension. In my fear of rejection, I quickly started to build walls around my heart. "He can just go to church without me. I'm not ready anyway..." Then I thought "No!" If I stay home, then there is no victory. There is no remedy. There are only walls. I can't have that."

 I thought I was doing nursery, so we agreed on driving separate cars. I felt more separation in my heart. We said our goodbyes, and in the embrace, the fire was over. The walls immediately crumbled to the ground. I said It was truly an accident. He said that he put himself in my shoes. He knew I was exhausted. We apologized for words spoken and deeds done. With a kiss, all was right in the world and I didn't want to leave his side. I later came home to dinner done, flowers on the table and kombucha in the fridge. That's a love worth fighting for. 

James 1:2-4 says:

"Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don’t try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way."

The fire gave me a glimpse of my heart today. Yes, there are some things exposed that will one day become forgotten chaff. I will conquer them one counseling session with Jesus at a time. Until then, I make the resolution, that through every fire, I choose to be victorious. I will feel the heat. Through every moment of desperation, I must bring it back to the Love of the Father who enables me to stand. You can too. 

Love you,

-Mel

Unplugged Worship Time:-)

Hey friends! In the midst of blog posts, I wanted to bring things back to the strength that comes from quiet time with Jesus. Here is a worship video for you. Sing along, or just play it while you go about the happenings of your day. Love you!

-Mel