Can I breathe?

Where have I been? Who am I now? These are questions that I seem to ask myself a lot lately. Looking back, I can't go back to where to was... to being who I was.  I'm altogether different.

I find myself vacillating lately. I'm fighting the thoughts in my head- feeling like I should be in a different place than being tempted to stay in a position of mourning my losses.

I feel the pain of catastrophe's wake. I feel the need to rebuild. Wanting to grieve over what was stolen from me, yet fully aware of the blessing of new life and a second chance that I've been given. It's like my feet are firmly planted where they should be- in victory, but I haven't really gotten my butt up off of the ground yet.

You see, I'm pretty good at physically moving forward. It's my mind that needs a little more time. It needs a little more help. I have a lot of renewing to do.

Through it all I know that God is faithful. Through it all I know that things always get better. I know I am stronger, braver, wiser and more determined than before. Yet, I pray for strength in my dealings.

I have this intrinsic need to feel more victorious. Like being able to walk isn't victory enough. I want to reclaim everything that was lost...with violence.

As you can tell, there is a torrent of thoughts swirling in my head. Thoughts I've only now finally decided to pen. I've tried to write the story at least five times before since May. Today, I decided to finally settle upon how I feel today... and what a place this is. :-)

There will be highs and lows to my journey, but no matter what, I am determined to move forward everyday. That's what counts. That is what will change everything.

Now,  if I can just remember to breathe... :-)

Love,


-Mel

The Beauty of Springtime

How many days have gone by since the day you were born? How many mornings have you spent in joy, or in shame? In reluctance or in bliss. In awe or in wonder?

For me, the last 29 years have been a whirlwind. The last 8, a tidal wave of joys and sorrows... but something has happened. The dust has settled, and I'm realizing how long it's been since I've enacted the mores of Melody.

Saturday marked promises fulfilled and new beginnings for me. I realized that it had been almost 8 years since I'd led a worship service. When I actually took the time to count the years, I was dumbfounded. Where have I been? Locked away in my fears? Riding the waves of life? I think it has been all of the above. The blessing in it all is that God is a redeemer of the time, and no precious moment was lost. It's just time to step back into that part of my passion again, and it can only get better.

How about you? What promises or dreams have you left behind? I encourage you to revisit something you may have been staring at longingly as it sits on the shelf collecting dust. Don't be afraid to try. Don't be afraid to make mistakes. You fail? So what. Try again. The next time will be  better. Just don't give up.

There can sometimes be a certain pain to trying again or doing a new thing. Consider these to be growing pains. The stretching and bending of the belief that you are more than what you thought you were. The cracking of broken views and the birth of new ones. The shifting of incomplete ideas as they become melded into a more complete picture of what God intended. In this light, change is a good thing.

My pastor Rachelle was speaking of change at a women's event on Saturday. I can not recall the exact wording, but it went something like this: if you are not changing, you are complacent or stagnant. Could you imagine where you would be in 5 years if you did not conquer fear and move forward in your life? Exactly. You would be in the exact same place that you are today. How disheartening for most to realize such a reality! Maybe some of you already have. If so, then it's time for change.

Ebbs and flows are good. We are made in the image of a loving God who moves with us. He loves the seasons of life. It is evident in how the trees cast their leaves in the fall, or how the sun shines brighter in the spring time. Sometimes we stay in one season of our lives for far too long. We live for years in the winter because of our fears. We may be longing for the springtime but we just sit back and watch while the world passes us by.

My pastor Zack made a beautiful point yesterday in his Sunday message. He said " Sometimes we forget we're alive." Seriously! We do! We can get used to the monotony and frigid cold of winter, We feel the life fleeting from our bones. What we often fail to realize is that winter is not merely death. Winter is the beauty that sets the stage for new life to begin! Old things fall away so that everything can become new! Winter occurs so expansion, abundance and blessing can occur.

Just like the rosebush buds and blooms, it needs the tender care of a gardener to make it come fully alive and release its fragrance to the world. If we are not being pruned, watered, blessed and loved...if we are not living in healthy community and cultivating all of the good things that make us some alive, we will not bud and bloom. Find your place. Come alive. Springtime is here!

Love,

-Mel

A Change of Perspective

Such a beautiful dance of life we live,

An intricate tapestry we roam. 

In the midst of days plummeting on,

and shadows cast of home. 

Dream with me friend, 

in this moment find ,

the one thing you can give.

A cherished belief 

in life and love,

and inaccurate perspective. 

God has been opening my eyes lately to how limited my perspective has been. I was driving around last week, after dropping my mother off at the airport and stumbled across a park. I've driven by this park a few times and had never taken the time to enjoy its beauty. Today, I would.

 

It was frigid for Las Vegas this particular day, but I decided to seek a place to write beneath the trees. I pulled my sweater close to my face as the cool wind swirled around me. My eyes began to water and I felt like I would find no resting place for myself or for my pen. I walked toward one spot as a young man decided to find his place a few feet away- too close. I turned in the opposite direction to find that the only places left were in the parking lot. Feeling a little saddened by the lack of shelter, I decided to walk in another direction. I almost retreated to the car when I saw something. Geese. Huge, fuzzy, fat, honking, orange beaked geese! I hadn't recalled seeing white geese before, so I went to take a closer look. Further into the park were all kinds of birds. Songbirds, pigeons, seagulls, mallards, larks and horned geese all waddling before me. A frigid landscape suddenly turned into a bustling habitat for birds! 

I looked even further to see something shooting into the sky. I assumed it to be a broken sprinkler. Wrong again. It was the fountain to a lake! A man-made lake equipped with a ramp for boating and a drop off for fishing. This outing was just getting better and better.

As I sat by the water, I felt compelled to get out a pen and paper and begin to compose a line drawing of what I could see. I scribbled a flurry of shrubs and conifers...gazebos, mountains and clouds. I smiled at my drawing and felt compelled to look again. My, had I been wrong! The mountains were in the wrong place. The sidewalk didn't extend as far. I'm pretty sure I had missed a gazebo altogether. Although the rendering was beautiful to me, it was all wrong. This was when God began to speak.

He reminded me that although the drawing was lovely, and that there was much truth in my depiction of the scene, my perspective was limited. My limited perspective prevented me from seeing all of the beauty that could be seen in my surroundings. How many more things in my life was I not "seeing" completely? How many more experiences were I not engaging in fully because I came with expectations that prevented me from seeing the beauty of all that there was? 

In the middle of my "aha" moment, I glanced behind me as more perspective shifts unfolded. A nicely dressed man approached a seemingly transient woman who was fishing on the jetty. I had greeted her earlier, not knowing her story. The man proceeded to join her, crouching next to her poles and inspecting the spoils.  They engaged in intimate conversation. It seemed that they knew each other well. 

After this, I heard a voice. A small group with clipboards approached the couple and asked them how their day was. I thought the group worked for the city or the park system. As they came closer, I saw them ask two women walking their dogs if they were interested in taking a faith-based survey. The women declined- one didn't believe in organized religion. The other said she was "spiritual" but not interested. I think this was the first time I had actually heard someone say those words outside of the television. 

I took a breath as the group came near to where I was resting. I looked a little closer to see two men, a young girl and a teenage boy. As they began to speak, my heart told me the truth- we were family in Christ. I answered their questions and they began to smile. They shared with me how difficult it was to find someone who believed in Jesus- they were war torn. They intended to continue to keep at it until "their bodies gave out." My heart ached for them, but I understood. 

I asked if I could pray with them and they obliged. I prayed for physical strength, divine appointments and great joy. I prayed for the young girl who was also an artist- that God would expand her gift. I prayed for the teenage boy- that God would increase his gifts as he showed diligence in pursuing the heart of God. It was a treasured moment, and I would have missed it all if I hadn't turned around to face another direction. 

Sometimes we live our lives without ever turning around. How much do we miss? How much do we leave untouched or unblessed by our influence? 

Changing perspective for me means leaving my past behind. It means being brave enough to move ahead, even when I can't see what is in front of me. The truth is that I am led by the hand of the One who loves me- a Savior who will never lead me astray.

Today I choose to let Him expand my perspective. To wash away the muck from my eyes painted on by past hurts and failures. To choose new lenses. To see as if for the first time. You can too. Try it. The view is so much better this way:-)

Love you dearly,

-Melody

Happy New Year!

The New Year came bearing gifts for me. It was like at the stroke of midnight, a wheelbarrow of heirloomed ugly sweaters, stale gingerbread houses and lacquered Matryoshka dolls were placed at my door step.

These proverbial "gifts" were actually the realization of layered baggage that I had been carrying around for years, but because of its pretty packaging and my thick skin I didn't realize how deeply wounded I truly was. It was like my angel brought all of these things to me and was like "This is supposed to be a freakin' amazing year! I'm tired of seeing you cart all of this crap around. Deal with it now!"

It began when things started happening that started shaking me up inside. A repressed memory from my childhood resurfaced that I had to address. I heard bad news about a friend that had been the cause of decades of pain for them. I was at the local grocery store and the security guard tried to give me a neck massage! Agh! Yeah, that one took the cake...and more. What a first week huh?


I began to see very quickly that this year was very different from previous ones. Because of this, I had to learn a few things and learn them quick. Here is what I have gleaned from these experiences so far:

I really have to be more careful to guard my self in casual conversation. I am generally a very warm and encouraging person. Some mistake this for weakness or open access to my heart or body. This is NOT the case. I'm just showing the love of Jesus, but not everyone will respect the call on my life or my boundaries. It is my job to make those very clear...especially to strangers.

It's time to shrink my inner circle of friends. We've all experienced it...The coffee chat with a friend that was completely one sided, poisonous and just downright draining. I want to surround myself with people who are positive and edifying. Who are ready and willing to participate in a healthy reciprocating friendship. Those who are not catty and those who can see beyond themselves. I can't share God's love with the world and execute great vision when I am self-centered or stuck. I need to be around healthy people to keep my outlook healthy. People who are where I am and also those who have been where I want to be.

I need to refocus and clearly define how I spend my time. I've spoken before about how I have had far too many pots in the fire...and for what? It is time for me to choose what my passions are and pursue them. To determine where my focus should be and stay there. For me, those are my faith, my self, my family and finally my ambitions.  That would look like this:

• Faith: To know Jesus more and to heal from any discrepancies in my spiritual identity.
• Family: To spend time cultivating a deeper and more passionate relationship with my husband by having a date night every week. To stop fighting my kids and become their greatest cheerleader. To kill clutter in my home to maintain peace and joy.
• Myself: To know who I am and become comfortable in my skin and joyful in who I have been made to be. To get counseling to completely heal from past baggage. To spend more time reading. To exercise in a way that brings me great joy and great results. 
• Ambitions: To make my art business come alive this year. To make enough passive income with my husband so that he doesn't have to work and we can focus on doing what we love. To finally pursue my music.

This is my vision for the year. To truly change my pace and stamp intentionality of every day that I live.  Habakkuk 2:2-3 Says:

"Write the Revelation and make it plain on tablets so that a herald may run with it. For the revelation awaits for the appointed time; it speaks of the end and will not prove false. Though it linger, wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay."

I truly believe that this is the year that the long awaited visions that we have will come to pass if we walk out in God's direction and keep moving forward. I am excited to see what this year has to bring and to finally deal with that wheelbarrow:-) I can't wait to see what is in store for you as well. Write your vision down and pursue it! Have a wonderful day and a Happy New Year!

-Mel

Truth.

Something has been happening lately... filling my house. I hear the sounds of tiny feet running across my floors. Shrieking laughter in every room. There are children everywhere...but not just any children. They are Christmas children. You know, the ones filled with contagious anticipation, delight and hundreds of questions about Santa, Jesus, snow and cookies. They want stories, presents, chocolate and warm blankets. I'm loving every minute of it.

As I tucked three extra kids in bed tonight, I couldn't help but think "I can do this...I could be a mom of six." Joy mingled with sorrow stretched across my heart during the holiday, as I tried not to think too deeply about the ones that I've lost. Far too many have shared such pain. True joy is only felt by the hand of God concerning these because His love is the only love that can fill such a deep void.

I've noticed during the last few weeks driving in the car or celebrating with loved ones that there was an undeniable feeling of someone missing. I would even find myself scanning the room, counting little fuzzy heads to make sure all of my little ones were there. They were, so why the empty feeling? Why now after all of these years? My mother in law offered that the feeling was because there are two missing. Speaking so freely of lives lost can be healing but shocking to the heart at the same time. I'm not always ready.

I've been seeking my heart about what my deepest issues are. In reality, I have so much more to pour into the lives of my sons. In reality I would love a house full of children. In reality, I'm tired of others trying to steer me away from adoption. "Too many issues, too much baggage...too much trouble." Not to over-spiritualize things, but we so quickly forget that we too were adopted into the family of God- all with too much baggage, loads of trouble and far too many issues... but this adoption is what saved my life. It made me new. It was everything I ever needed and more. That's what I can give a child. Would it be crazy tough? Yes. Would it be a huge sacrifice? definitely. Would it be stretching? Of course...but it would be so worth it.

---

Putting aside all that others think
My heart yearns for more
My tears are held behind a dam
so easily implored.
my heart pulses with aching love
at the thought of your sweet face
As we dance hand in hand
swirling round' the room in gowns of lace
To brush your hair or spend some time
doing what little girls do
would make my heart come alive each day
 with more deep love for you
so don't lose hope dear heart of mine
I know your aching still
but love desired has come alive
and you can't break loves will.

---

So how would it come about? The art of acquiring more children? Honestly, the thought of bearing more almost terrifies me. I could imagine myself pregnant, but extra stuff- shots, surgeries, c-sections, bed-rest...no. Not again. I was thinking to myself the other day how I was very brave for every child that God blessed me with. It's not that I'm not brave anymore. It's mostly because my stores of strength to employ such bravery have been depleted by the sleepless nights of caring for tender hearts and lives.

 While balancing my boys, I can't see myself going through all of that. Someone is bound to be neglected and I can't do that. I am finally to the point where my middle son, Gideon is getting the attention he needs. He was 10 months old when I found out I was pregnant, He went from being the center of my universe to being handed off to the nearest relative because my days were filled with the happenings of pregnancy. My milk dried up and I could no longer nurse him. My arms were weak to carry him. I needed so much rest and he needed so much of my love. My heart still breaks for him because even in his birth he was ripped away almost immediately from my arms. I held him seconds after his birth, then did not see him or hold him for days. It was the same thing for my oldest. It was at least a month before I held him for the first time. Ethan is the only one who has always been with me and I find already that I'm letting go more and more as he grows to change the world.

This feeling may pass for a while, but I know it will return. It always seems to come alive when I'm around little girls. Yeah, it's not baby fever. It's son joy and daughter fever.

Seasons Change Everything

As soon as the first leaf heralding autumn falls to the ground, you know that change is coming. The hues of the sunset become more vibrant, and days are filled with steaming mugs of happiness, football games and fireside chats. You can hear the crunching of the leaves underneath your feet... and the skies remind you of the signs that winter will soon arrive. You see the signs.

 Hmm... In your life when great change happens, do you see the signs? Are you able to feel the great anticipation of something new breaking over your life? Today, I was in a bible study and had a epiphany. It was sparked by recent events that have brought great change. I feel like my dreams are coming to life. I feel like I am being re-made into the woman that I have always wanted to be. The past me would have cringed within my skin and hidden herself amidst the piles of clothes in the laundry room or meaningless projects around the house. Not the new me. The new me realizes that I can never go back to that place, because there is nothing to go back to. 

Change is here and it is bringing every shade of beautiful joy I could ever imagine... but back to the question at hand- Did I see the signs? Yes I did, but I don't know if I fully believed them. I was in a place of desperation. I was thirsty for change. Here is what happened:

 Months ago, I was in a church service and Shawn Bolz, the Senior Pastor of Expression58 in Los Angeles, began to speak prophetically over me. He spoke of destiny, of promises fulfilled and of great change. The changes that he spoke of were so great, that in my state of chaos, I could not see myself walking out any of the words that were spoken during that particular season of my life. I wanted to do so, so badly, but I just wasn't ready. 

Back to the epiphany. Today I realized this: The thing about prophecy is that there is usually a place that God needs to take you through to get there. That is why such words of promise can mean so much to the human heart. It is because when we get the Word, it is the heralding of healing that is coming! There is great hope spoken to the broken heart in this, because that heart knows it will not stay as it has always been! It will be made new. Prophecy is a promise that we are getting an upgrade! I can't tell you enough how much I've needed one. I've lived sick and un-motivated, full of sorrow, exhausted with a poor outlook on life and an incorrect view of God for many, many years. 

What joy it brings to my heart to know that I will never go back to that place! I couldn't ask for a better gift. You know what, it doesn't end there. With every season that I traverse through, I will be given more strength and wisdom to move forward. The same is true for you! This is such great news for all of us. 

If you been wallowing in "sameness" for many seasons like I had been, know it will not last forever. God loves you too dearly to let you stay the same way. There may be a bit of death that comes with the changing of the seasons.  Old pieces of you that were no good, may fall away to the ground and get crushed underfoot like felled leaves, but know this-In such death, you are given new life. Rejoice in that truth my friend! Let's celebrate seasons of change today. 

Love,

-Mel

 

Beautiful Bravery

No one can pick and choose what hand they are dealt. Some are blessed with riches. Some live in environments of emotional poverty. Some can easily reach for the stars, while others feel like they are shouting aimlessly at the skies. Each journey is significant. Each journey takes bravery.

It takes great bravery to wake up in the morning when you're drudging through a bout of depression. It takes bravery to try again for a promised child when you've experienced great loss-knowing you just have to try again even if that means possibly losing another. It takes bravery to love when you know it may never be reciprocated. It takes bravery to lay down shattered dreams for hope, sorrow for joy or a broken outlook for a more healthy one. 

I got some unfavorable news about my body from a doctor this week. My mind didn't seem surprised, but my heart was grasping for a place to rest. A bit of emotional paralysis ensued. The difficulty for me was that there was nothing that I did to make this issue happen. I eat well, I exercise, but truly I think I've dealt with the ailment off and on since childhood. It was just never properly diagnosed. Miracles and the providence of God hid its symptoms. I didn't really know how to feel, or what to think. My heart didn't feel strong or bold. I didn't really feel brave. I needed heavenly direction.

I went to a meeting and a dear friend came along. I was probably wearing my bewilderment on my face and my heart was not ready to be engaged in the presentation. I was on the edge of tears, barely holding it together as I scanned the room, politely nodding to strangers... Grasping for someone to listen. Moments before the meeting began, I whispered in my friend's ear what was going on. Immediately she began to speak words of life to me. She spoke directly to the issues of my heart. Everything around me faded away and the beauty of truth was all that I could see. I began to feel tangible strength in my spirit and heart. My mind began to change, shifting to a positive and realistic place of hope. I was reminded of the Father's love for me. I was reminded that I had the authority to change everything. To rise instead of fall. To tenaciously demand change from myself and my surroundings. To make tragedy bend to the will of God and to my irrevocable promise as His daughter. 

 In choosing how to direct your resolve, it is difficult to stand when you feel like Big Fat Life is sitting squarely on your chest. In the face of issues like these what are your options? You can choose to let waves of self-pity and defeat crash over you and let a victim mentality sweep you away into the uncharted waters of a worse diagnosis and unfulfilled dreams... Or, you can choose to rise up in strength, promise and hope, see the reality of the situation and fight to change it. I don't have to tell you what the better choice is. Your heart already knows. Even when you feel like you're just going through the motions, keep moving forward in speaking life over your situation and the resolve that you need will eventually take over. 

So, today I choose to be brave. I choose to overcome. I choose to be still and know that He will make everything work for my good. I choose to believe the truth that says:

"Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That's why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good." -Romans 8:28 MSG

Today, if you feel like you've been up against an army of woes, remember this my friend: You are beautifully brave! You will make it through if you set your heart on the truth that ALL things can work together for your good. Remember what God says and take hold of every promise that is yours. You deserve everything He has for you.

Love,

-Mel

Come Alive

What makes you come alive? I mean truly feel alive? Is it the feeling of sand between your toes as the vast and mysterious ocean crashes upon the shore just beyond your reach? Do you feel alive laying on the cool grass in silence as you watch the stars dance in the skies? Does your heart rejoice when you hear the pure joy in the laugher of children as they run from you in an impromptu game of hide and seek? Does your heart skip a beat upon hearing the forlorn melodies of a symphony as the marriage of sweet notes crash upon your soul, moving you to tears? Or is it upon hearing the indescribable and unmistakable voice of God in your dealings that surrounds your heart like a blanket knit with threads of security and peace?

We go far too long without moments like these. As a child, when I would feel overwhelmed I would just run away. I'd run to the forest where no one would find me. I didn't have a cell phone and I didn't care. I would take off my shoes and run off the beaten path. I would chase the songs of birds, dance in the rain, wade into peaceful lakes, climb the tallest trees and find so much peace that I vowed in my heart never to return home again. Those were the moments that I felt truly alive. 

I don't always have the luxuries of significant moments of rest that I once had. Peace is sometimes elusive and equated to sitting alone a little longer in the car to sing along to a favorite song, or stopping to smell the candles at Target letting the fragrances take me away. I constantly crave the ocean, constantly crave more peace, yet I make few attempts to just get away. So few that when I finally do, I'm so numb to life that I have a hard time unwinding enough to enjoy them. 

It's time for us to come alive again. To make moments of peace and joy common practices in our lives.  The frigid winds of winter are on their way and they beckon your heart to remember the seasons. To seek out the changing of the leaves. To become aware of the fleeting seasons of your own life and the ebbs and flows that they bring. It's time to make them count! It's time to give yourself permission to seek joy and to share that joy with others. It's time to unwind your heart and truly forgive those with whom you have been estranged. To forgive yourself. To cultivate true love again. To dance. To dream again. To pick up that paintbrush. To put down excuses. 

I encourage you this week to find what moves you. Focus on that passion at least once this week. Remember who you truly are, or get to know yourself for the first time. Don't be afraid. Come Alive.

Love,

-Melody