Oops, I did it again!

It has definitely been a week of far too many mistakes for me. Most of the mistakes have centered around my bad attitude. This week I found myself painfully regretting my words, screaming obscenities at the bathroom ceiling, not desiring to be around people in general...feeling like everyone is judging me...

The culprit? Well, there has been an issue festering in my mind for the past few months and it has been getting worse. An issue of white carpet. I know it sounds petty, but you'll soon see what I mean. 

One of things that makes me happier than anything, is having a clean floor that my kids can play on. The floors become wrestling mats, movie seats, places for sleepovers and impromptu picnics. A place where my littlest guy, Ethan, will soon learn to crawl... but in our house, there is a problem. 

You see, when we bought this wonderful house back in March, upon viewing it, my nose was immediately struck with the pungent odor of cat urine. Since we moved in, I've found myself on hands and knees scrubbing pockets of feces from previous occupants that I've discovered on the berber, and treating potty accidents that I can't quite seem to get out. It's been a constant battle that I've been losing. 

To add insult to injury, we recently added a new member to our family. His name is Cashew and he's a Chihuahua. Born with the providential "deer" head shape, instead of the usual bubble eyes and unsightly underbite most breeds have, he quickly stole everyone's heart. Everyone but mine...well partially...Why, because he pees and poops everywhere! I'm slowly working on potty training him, but he makes far too many mistakes in the house. 5+ a week! Can you imagine how things are starting to smell in here? Like a freakin' toilet. 

Ok. I digress. Back to the issue of mistakes. The dog has been making mistakes and so have I. Not on the carpet of course...in my attitude. In my character. Unfortunately, bad religion has left an indelible mark on my psyche, and this week, I've subconsciously employed the view that God will not bless me or draw near to me because of my dumb mistakes regarding my attitude. I can't think of a better lie to believe.  Even in my quiet time, as I breathed prayers to my Savior, I found myself subtly believing that I'd been just too bad for Him to answer the ones that were closest to my heart. I was believing lies. To remind me of His great love, guess what He did? Let me tell ya.

On Wednesday I was making dinner and was so angry about how disgusting the floors were- covered in the gamut of dog vomit, poo and urine with a slight smell of cat pee to tie it all together. As I'm trying to get over it, I catch sweet little Cashew eating poop out of a diaper he retrieved from the trash. That's when I HAD it. I stormed out of the kitchen to my prayer closet and just cried to Jesus, about everything- basically had an adult tantrum. This isn't how I planned my home to be! If it isn't orderly, can it at least be sanitary?! I remember specifically telling God that I would love new vinyl floors to fill the house at the cost of $250. I felt better. Got food on the table. Put the kids to bed without incident. Kinda forgot about it.

Last night I finally decided to end my pity party and dominate the white carpets.  I wouldn't be a victim any longer! I would shampoo them everyday if I had to...starting tomorrow. Well, I happened to jump on Craigslist before bed and what did I see? An ad for Vinyl flooring in 5 colors for 25 cents a square foot. There was a minimum of 1000 sq. feet to purchase to get the deal. What does that come out to? $250! Woo hoo! I am so overjoyed at this prayer answered. Seriously guys, believe me when I tell you this truly reminded me of God's love. 

So, no matter how far how bad you feel you've been this week, or how petty you think your prayers are, there is so much love and grace for you. God loves you no matter what and He will make sure you know it, even if you've had a crappy attitude. 

I grabbed samples of the flooring this afternoon. I'm picking up the lot in the morning. Hallelujah! So happy! Rant over. 

Have a great weekend! :-)

-Mel

Anger management

I couldn't tell you exactly why, but I feel like I've been raging a bit lately- maybe not outwardly, but under the surface. I noticed the frequent #*@!& moments and sheer frustration, and it has been so difficult to focus. Maybe it is because of the unrealistic expectation of 16 papers due by Tuesday that I really don't want to do.

I have so many other things on my mind, like sorting through things to move, selling my car, visiting Jon next week and the financial challenges that come with being alive...not to mention grieving.

Now, I've been the queen of knowing when to cut my losses. I learned that from college. The problem with what I'm dealing with right now is my priorities are all confused. When I am hurting or experiencing change, I've found that I sometimes have to do what is good for me, so I can simply function and remain healthy. For me that usually entails dropping everything, and just breaking away from duties. I like going for a drive, painting, playing guitar, singing or hanging out with friends. I haven't done much of that lately.

Maybe that is the source of my frustration. Either way, I need an outlet. I need to figure out what's most important.

Caught off guard

I was looking through and deleting pics on my phone after a pleasant conversation with a friend and something inside of me was beckoning me to look a little closer. To search for the sacred pictures I knew were there but I was afraid! I couldn't deny them. I had to find them. As I scrolled through the dates of the pictures from September 17th to August 25...to the twelfth. There they were- Eli and Enoch as beautiful and fragile as I could remember. By then, I couldn't stop the tears. I didn't really want to. I was almost shocked by my response because I thought I had been so good. I was caught off guard at my fear and apprehension to face the reality again. Only a little over a month ago it happened.

What do you do when you lose something so precious? The instinctive thing that I did was yell and shake my fist at God. I stopped once I realized that I wasn't really mad at Him, but I was hurt, am hurt deeply. I looked in the mirror at my flushed face and slowly motioned toward my stomach, making a rounded shape in the air of what I would look like by now. I yelled "They would have been ready!" I couldn't stop my flashes of anger. I tried to calm myself, and breathed deeply. Through clenched teeth I said "You'd better take care of them...Just take care of them."

Oh, how I wish I could. I am at a huge loss right now. I can't let the cares of life overtake my healing. It would make me ill. This is a part of who I am-My mat that I must take up and walk with, like Jamey said, but how I wish I didn't have it. I would rather have my sons.