Anger management

I couldn't tell you exactly why, but I feel like I've been raging a bit lately- maybe not outwardly, but under the surface. I noticed the frequent #*@!& moments and sheer frustration, and it has been so difficult to focus. Maybe it is because of the unrealistic expectation of 16 papers due by Tuesday that I really don't want to do.

I have so many other things on my mind, like sorting through things to move, selling my car, visiting Jon next week and the financial challenges that come with being alive...not to mention grieving.

Now, I've been the queen of knowing when to cut my losses. I learned that from college. The problem with what I'm dealing with right now is my priorities are all confused. When I am hurting or experiencing change, I've found that I sometimes have to do what is good for me, so I can simply function and remain healthy. For me that usually entails dropping everything, and just breaking away from duties. I like going for a drive, painting, playing guitar, singing or hanging out with friends. I haven't done much of that lately.

Maybe that is the source of my frustration. Either way, I need an outlet. I need to figure out what's most important.

Caught off guard

I was looking through and deleting pics on my phone after a pleasant conversation with a friend and something inside of me was beckoning me to look a little closer. To search for the sacred pictures I knew were there but I was afraid! I couldn't deny them. I had to find them. As I scrolled through the dates of the pictures from September 17th to August 25...to the twelfth. There they were- Eli and Enoch as beautiful and fragile as I could remember. By then, I couldn't stop the tears. I didn't really want to. I was almost shocked by my response because I thought I had been so good. I was caught off guard at my fear and apprehension to face the reality again. Only a little over a month ago it happened.

What do you do when you lose something so precious? The instinctive thing that I did was yell and shake my fist at God. I stopped once I realized that I wasn't really mad at Him, but I was hurt, am hurt deeply. I looked in the mirror at my flushed face and slowly motioned toward my stomach, making a rounded shape in the air of what I would look like by now. I yelled "They would have been ready!" I couldn't stop my flashes of anger. I tried to calm myself, and breathed deeply. Through clenched teeth I said "You'd better take care of them...Just take care of them."

Oh, how I wish I could. I am at a huge loss right now. I can't let the cares of life overtake my healing. It would make me ill. This is a part of who I am-My mat that I must take up and walk with, like Jamey said, but how I wish I didn't have it. I would rather have my sons.

I think I'm ready

I have so much on my mind right now. I can feel the tension tingling in my shoulders and I don't quite know what to do but this- write.

I'm in the middle of a very daunting task- to write 16 papers by the 30th of this month. Not my cup of tea, I guess...especially not with how things have been going.

I really miss papi and want to try to visit him in two weeks. I will be moving next month to Spokane, so I am super excited. I am definitely going to have a lot of time to think... and write.

Jamey said I should write a book. I've actually been thinking about it. If I could only sort through these thoughts first...