The Plight of a Spring day

So, as you know, last week we celebrated the first day of spring. Hooray! Does that mean the cold snaps and surprise snowfalls will come to an end? I hope so, but its hard to tell in Washington. Predicting the weather here is like predicting the weather in Minnesota. You never know what you're gonna get. All you can do is pray for sunshine at night, and cautiously peel back the curtains to look outside in the morning. I do that often with a grimace, much like taking off a band-aid. That's pretty sad, don't you think?

I wonder what it would be like to wake up to the sunshine and warm weather everyday. I guess it could get old. You wake up and peel back the curtains with a smile and squinty eyes instead. When the unexpected rain or snowfall comes, it would be met with celebration and a day of cancellations... for good reasons, or course.

I guess I'm ok with Spring in Spokane. I might not be met with the sunshine, but I always wake up to a breath-taking view of the mountains!

Take it easy

I was writing to a friend on Facebook and realized that I had been living through a time where laughter fails to comfort the heart. It reminded me of a Tim Hughes song called “When the tears fall.” It was pretty depressing to thing about… that my own laughter wasn’t real and that the longings of sadness inside overwhelmed me.

For a time, there was an end to this. An exchange with God made me laugh recently. It was pretty interesting. Maybe He knew that I needed it. I was talking to Him in my head and looking in the mirror. It was like He was asking me to look at my image- that I am a mirror of His likeness and I started to chuckle and laugh like He was playing Peek-a-boo with me. It was authentic joy, and no matter how brief it was, it helped me make it through the day.

I wanted to call an end to my sadness and thought maybe there was something that I wasn’t doing right or something that God wanted to speak to me about. I noticed that I kept beating myself up because I wanted to show God that I was sacrificing in my heart and wanted to get closer to Him. This may because of my beginnings in faith- an understanding of God painted in an overly religious and almost rip your clothes and wear sackcloth fashion. I wanted to declare a ten day fast to press in and show Him I was serious. It is great to spend some time in solitude… we all grow from that, but I just realized that my motivations for the pursuit were stemming from an unhealthy place. I realized that I needed to stop beating myself up, and that I truly am living a life of solitude. I am without my husband, grieving my home… and my children.

If a fast is withholding from yourself something that you desperately want in order to pursue God, this is my life. There is no one that I’d rather be with than those of family, familiar friendship and those who have seemingly tied themselves around my heart. Of this “fasting” I have no other choice. I just have to stop running and let Him make me laugh- because in that I will find healing and comfort. I think I’m finally beginning to understand that I am right where I’m supposed to be.

Gratefulness

I am in a new place, partaking in the fears and joys of my surroundings. All I can say is that I am grateful. Being here in Washington is also imploring me to come to grips with the reality of my heart and my dreams. I have encountered the need for some major decisions concerning my future and I really do feel like I have time to breathe... and in essence hear myself think. I feel like I'm becoming me again and I smile more and enjoy the simple things like watching a blanket of fog wrap itself around the mountains or taking the time to laugh at the silly feathers on the heads of quail in my front yard. I still can't believe I have quail in my front yard! In Minneapolis, we have pigeons.
Anyway, I just wanted to give you an update on me. Although the journey has been long, I am here. I know God had a lot to do with the timing, and the gratefulness in my soul proves He was right about it all along.

-Mel

Making it through

When faced will the challenge of being separated from the one that you love the most, what do you do? How do you cope? My life has consisted of short-lived attempts and vain strivings to keep it all together. Its so crazy- sometimes I even feel like I don't have enough air to breathe... and usually when I've lost all hope, a glimmer of strength comes to me and breaks the dam in my heart to become an ocean and I find myself lost amidst the waves.

The sea churns me and the waters spray upon my pain and break across the rocks of the rigid chasm of despair. Its pretty cool, and I think its the perfect timing of God Himself. Its like if I got any lower in my sadness, the bottom of whatever I was standing upon would have fallen out. I would have run away and joined the peace corps and quit school, never to be heard from again... at least until I knew I could be free to be re-united with my love again.

In the midst of such a separation, it sometimes seems like beauty is useless. Sometimes I look very well put together with no love to admire my outfit or play with the plaits of my hair. If he could only feel how soft it is! I sometimes say to myself. If he could only be with me right now in my room and listen to the song I wrote, or read this poem. He'd love this poem! Its crazy how you never know how much you value someones presence and opinion until they are gone. Then everything is a loss. What do I do now?

I live every day on the strength of those waves, and when they wain to just a salty drop, I close my eyes...I hold my breath until the waters come crashing in again, and when I open my eyes I find once again that I've made it. I'm making it... through.

The Girl in the Mirror

Crashing down around me

the security of what I was

the feelings deep inside me

Once obscure, on the surface

Now I try to find me

In the midst of this confusion

is this feeling inside me

just an illusion?

Today, I've felt an overwhelming negative self concept.

Its crazy just how powerful image can be. The whole ordeal may be the emotional upheaval of everything that I've encountered over the last few weeks: seeing materialism- absurd in all forms, figuring out what to do with soon coming wealth, seeing Jon and leaving- feeling the deep absence of the strength and completeness that comes with his presence, and mourning the loss of our sons.

Over the last few days I've wanted to buy a wig, go running until I couldn't stand anymore, eat chocolate until there was none left...anywhere, fast for spiritual reasons- but even that wouldn't work because the dysfunctionality of everything I am feeling is so overwhelming, it wouldn't be healthy. Nothing that I planned or wanted to do has happened and its probably a good thing.

No money for a wig, tried jogging and got a side ache so bad the first few blocks I couldn't run anymore, and I fasted until lunch. Afterward I binged so badly I needed to re-think the week of fasting I had planned. I knew it wouldn't benefit me much and would bruise me emotionally.

I decided later to try a positive fast, where I ate right instead, still prayed as usual, read the bible, watched positive shows on tv, if any tv at all and played with different styles on my own hair.

I'm still trying to figure out all of the Psychological implications of this entire ordeal, but I haven't been liking the girl in the mirror and I have a problem with that. I have been eating, drinking, sleeping and acting out of painful emotions that I have not yet confronted. I'll try tonight. I have to fight through this. I need to get to a healthy place again.

If you are wondering, I once had an eating disorder- in middle school. It was a long time ago, but only about 35% of women who have had one ever completely heal. I'm a part of the 65% who haven't...and I've got a girl in the mirror to face. Let's go.

Sharing a bathroom?

This weekend, I'm visiting my husband at Lackland AFB in San Antonio. I've been enjoying the sights, bought groceries and have been enjoying the weather. I've also been hanging out in my hotel room... a LOT. Not because I am a hermit or anything. I just haven't had the amenities of a room like this in a long time. I have the bathroom fully stocked with all of my showering supplies, towels and the like. There is no bathtub, so I can't make much use of my bath salts but that's ok. My stay has been quaint and comfortable.

A little earlier today, I hear a bit of commotion coming from the other side of my bathroom door. I checked it out, noticing there were doors on either side of the bathroom- like my bathroom and the one next door were connected. I could have sworn in heard someone using it on the other side the previous evening. It was no biggie- I'd seen it before.

Jon came to join me later on that evening and we ate, watched part of a movie and went to sleep. At around midnight, I hear a rather frantic knocking on the bathroom door.  I'm comfortably in my skivvy's, tucked away in my bed. The door is rattling and the handle shaking loudly. By this time, Jon and I are sitting up in bed like "what the heck is going on?!" A few seconds later, we get a knock on our hotel room door. I'm thinking, there must be some kind of emergency, like maybe there is a fire or a burgular on the loose, wreaking havoc on the place. Instead, I hear a rather irritated womans voice say "Can you please unlock the bathroom door?"

By this time, Jon is up, walking groggily to the door and yells something, still in-between sleep. He unlocks the knob and we soon find out that we share a bathroom with the room next to us! AGHH!

Now, at first both of us are pretty perturbed about the whole thing. You mean to tell me when I checked in the afternoon before, no one felt the need to let me know I was sharing a bathroom? I quickly got up and checked all of our literature given by the hotel for the fine print, and Jon tried to call the front desk- to no avail for him. Finally, in the list of housekeeping duties of what services will be completed- one line tells it all: Toilets in shared bathrooms will be cleaned daily.

I share the news with Jon, who is now seething. I'm agitated, but trying hard to make light of the rather uncomfortable situation. I actually had to pray to calm down and help us gain some perspective. After a bit more venting, we settled back into bed. I obviously couldn't get back to sleep as i am writing this now, at 1:13AM. All I can say is... WOW (rather flatly).

Next time I check into a hotel, inquiring about sharing a bathroom will definitely be one of the first things on my list!

Oops! I didn't mean to say that!

Do you ever find yourself in a situation that just gets worse because of the stuff that spews out of your mouth? Its even harder when the words are aimed at you, but they just didn't come out right. That happened to me a little while ago.

I had just finished my fourth Psychopathology paper, and with the build up of stresses, someone i love called me Psycho. Now, I know Psycho. I just wrote 4 papers on the Psychology of Psycho! But, as we are human, before I came up with a logical and polite response, I just apted to shortness and said goodbye.

Oops, I guess we both didn't mean to say that! Just letting it be didn't help, not to mention the entire ordeal was over the phone so that makes it even more difficult to remedy.

So, What did I do? I sent a text... in an attempt to make things "better."

I haven't gotten a response yet, but you know how that is. Always a feeling of suspense that can lead to unrealisitic or untrue assumptions regarding the other persons behavior.

Next time, I'm using a video phone! (If only conflicts were that simple.)