An Undivided Heart

 

It's easy to get overwhelmed with life. In being bombarded with so many things to accomplish on a daily basis, it can be easy to miss the most important things. I've been bad when it comes to missing the important things...really bad. I attributed it to grief, busyness, crisis- moving so quickly from one event in my life to the next without really having the ability to take a breath and de-brief. I'd been on auto-pilot for years and I hate to admit it. It's so painful when someone recalls a time that they shared with you that impacted their life so deeply, and you cannot even recall a moment of the interaction. That's been my life for the last 5 years.  Something happened in my heart recently that changed everything. 

I was spending time with a dear friend of mine recently and through the conversation and prayer, I realized that I had a divided heart. I don't really know how it began, but its divisions left an indelible mark on my life. it had gotten so bad that I forgot how to prioritize... I found myself trying to figure out if I should change my sons' diaper or fold laundry. My passions fizzled out as soon as they began. I was checked out and I didn't love as I should. 

I don't know why the grace of healing was extended to me, but I'm grateful it did. I had been seeking God for renewal for years. I guess it was just the time. Maybe He had enough of my silliness in suffering. Whatever the reason, I tangibly felt God begin to renew my heart...making it undivided. I am finally able to pursue my sole purposes with passion and joy- a path that I haven't been on in years. Every time I tried to move before, it just felt like striving. Now it feels like flying. 

Yesterday, I was going to go shopping after the kids were in bed, because I'm used to the internalization that everything is "urgent"...even purchasing socks or a crayons for the kids at 10PM. With an undivided heart, I stopped and considered what really mattered. I would much rather spend a few moments in the arms of my husband before he turned in for the night than drive to the store. I couldn't remember the last time I had, and the moments were glorious. I had missed listening to his heart beat. Where have I been? What kind of life was I living? A hurried one. A desperate one. 

I say all of this to tell you that if you find yourself with a divided heart tonight, know that God sees you. He wants to make you new. All of the prayers that you've hidden inside have not been unheard. He cherishes every one. Just as the earth traverses a set path in its rotation that paints the skies in each season with brilliance, so the Savior twirls you amongst the seasons of your life. Some seasons are bold as the colors of fall. Some seem as a frigid winter, but none is more important than the rest. Cherish each season love. If you've found yourself stuck shivering in the cold like i'd been, don't fret. Summer is coming! Love you!

-Mel.

A matter of life and death

An issue has been on my heart for quite some time now. I wanted to share it because I've been there. Let me fill you in. As you know, parenting can be such a challenge. There are amazing days, and there are also days where you feel ridiculously overwhelmed. When we are not at our best, sometimes we yell more, sometimes we cry. Sometimes we replace our meals with chocolate or completely tune out everything with media. I'm guilty of them all.  

A few weeks ago I found myself screaming at the top of my lungs, running to my bathroom and locking the door. I was so overwhelmed with kids that didn't listen, a dirty house, inhumane levels of sleep deprivation and unattained dreams that I lost it. I sunk to the floor and just cried...no, I balled. I seriously considered suicide that day. That's how bad it was. I got up and cried loading the kids in the car. I cried to the grocery store, and cried to meet my dear husband who was definitely not expecting such a beautiful mess to surprise him with lunch. While he held me in his arms, all I could think of was "How did I get here?" Such a desperate place. Meltdowns were for my kids. Not for me. I'm supposed to hold it together. Be the example. Well, sometimes I'm just not strong enough.

As caregivers, it is so important to take care of ourselves. We've all heard the old adage "If you don't take care of yourself, you won't be able to take care of anybody else." Isn't that the truth! Far too often we walk around like zombies, trying to make meals, break up fights between our kids, clean up poop and cater to everyone else but ourselves. We may go days without a shower, live in pajamas, often grimacing at those extra pounds that we have no time to lose. 

All of these cares can pile up...on your shoulders. At the end of the day, when no one is there but you, how do you really feel about yourself? Have you checked in with your heart lately? Love, I want to encourage your heart. You can and WILL make it to the weekend. You are beautiful. You are so valuable. You are dearly loved. 

Who cares about the huge mental to-do list that you still haven't actually written down.  Who cares about the piles of dishes or clothes. Who cares about how junky the car is or about the caked up milk under your little ones booster seat. In time, everything will get done. Put aside the broken dreams, unfinished college or anything else you're regretting. Right now, it's about YOU. What you do IS important! YOU were made to thrive. YOU were made to smile so much more than you do. YOU were made to dream! Keep dreaming love. Don't give up. 

If you've ever been to the end of your rope... even considered suicide, I've been there too. But I am still here! We are still here for a reason. You were meant to live beyond today. It's time to take care of you, find balance and become the best lover your family has ever had. Don't give up. You were made for this! One of my favorite bible verses is Matthew 11:28. The NIV translation says:

28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Let this truth sink into your soul. There is a better way to manage everything, and you can do it while still taking care of you. Here are a few practical steps to put into practice to regain needed balance.

Practical steps to a healthier you:

• Get more sleep. Simply setting a bedtime and wake-up time for yourself will ensure that you get some sleep. My bedtime is 11PM and I try to wake-up at 7AM. Although my rest is horribly interrupted with nursing my sweet little one throughout the night, at least I know that from 11 to 7, I'm in my pajamas!

• Hit the gym. Working out your body balances your hormones, contributes to a better mood and a healthier lifestyle. You owe that to yourself. Whether you actually leave the house to hit the weights, hang out in your garage gym or do a dvd in the living room- Anything will bring wonderful changes! 

• Have some "me" time. Getting away from your stressors is an integral part of rejuvenation. Taking a walk, reading a book out on the patio, painting your nails or hitting up the local coffee shop without the kids can help you to regain needed perspective so that you can return home in a better head-space than before you left. Remember, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder..." even if that "absence" is in moderation. 

I could go on and on. Eat cleaner, turn the tv off, daydream, paint a picture or have a glass of wine. 

Find a healthy outlet that makes you feel alive and own it! Balance helps us to love well. You deserve a balanced journey! You deserve to live better. Choose to be at your best. Believe me, you won't regret it.
I'm on the same journey now. I've been painting more, got a gym membership and finally started to invest in me. I'm still trying to find my groove in all of this, but I'm so much better that I was. If I feel like I'm even close to having a meltdown, then it's time to give myself permission to re-focus on what's important today...Me. 

Does he need me?

Sometimes I like to analyze things...maybe over analyze things. I'm sitting here scrubbing the dining room table contemplating whether or not I really need to nurse my 7 month old through the night. He acts like it's a matter of life and death... and I'm just trying to stay alive from sleep deprivation. He needs me too much...Then a stark contrast enters my mind. Does my 2 1/2 year old really need me at all? In his mind, it seems he doesn't. He would go all day in a soiled diaper, eating raisins and bananas, and is highly skilled at operating the water dispenser to fill his own Dixie cup, thank you very much. He knows what tv show he wants to watch, when we need to go to the park, or what t shirt he doesn't want to wear. The difference between he and his brother is a matter of time...time in the nicu.

I have been told the attachment issues my 7 month old is experiencing are present because he was taken away at birth to an entirely different hospital on the other side of town for ten days. It was at least 2 days before I even held him. Smelled his sweet hair...touched his skin. He was born with a keen awareness of my presence and the trauma of our separation.

Back track two and a half years to the birth of Nehemiah. Born at 24 weeks of gestation, he lived in the nicu for almost three months. The nurses were his mother... the beeping of machines lulled him to sleep. He never had the opportunity to really comprehend his need for mommy. It was about a week...maybe more when I saw him for the first time. The innocence and newness of his transition of life outside of the womb was only residue covered by layers of thick medical tape, as he was tucked safely in an incubator under bilirubin lights. It was probably a month or more before I even touched his sweet hand without gloves. To him, all that time, I could have been another nurse. But in my heart, in my being I knew better. He knew...I was mommy. I am mommy. I will always be.

Sometimes with his independence, I fear he will forget that he needs me...yes my job is to prepare him for the world and let him fly in time and it's coming fast...all to fast. Will he ever really know? For he doesn't know he was meant to be held in my arms... meant to be nursed at my breast. Lulled to sleep by my love songs.

Hmm...

Well, What I missed then is mine to give now. I have to teach him. I choose to give him all my love and more. I won't have him forever. So go ahead sweetie. Fill up your dixie cup and let the water fall on the floor, cause at the end of the day, I tuck you in bed with your big Brown blanket and Mickey mouse with the chewed up nose that you refuse to sleep without. I read you the same story over and over again. Sing you the same songs and I kiss you goodnight. I am irreplaceable and I am yours-
whether you like it or not. :-)

Yeah, these guys need me...no matter how much or little it seems. Truthfully, I'm pretty sure I need them a little more.

Motherhood

My job isn't easy, for it requires all of me. I work overtime everyday, yet my job is never done. My role and purpose has opened my eyes to some horrible flaws in my character, yet everyday I am in awe at a new capacity to love. It breathes and expands everyday. When I want to throw a tantrum as a backlash to the attitudes and behaviors of my little ones, and give them time outs, and throw away all of their toys, I am so easily reminded of the nature of Christ. We throw tantrums, reject His good gifts, bruise him with our words and behaviors, yet instead of returning the good gifts he has so thoughtfully chosen to lavish upon us, he just saves them for a later time. A time when our eyes will be open to see that He is good. His wrath relents, for His love surpasses it. Beautiful Lord. I want to learn to parent like this. 

Resurrection Sunday!

Happy Resurrection Sunday! One thing that keeps resounding in my heart is the reminder that Christ choose to live for you today! Isn't that is a wonderful truth. People talk about how Christ died, but today He chose to LIVE for you. Woo hoo! I hope you can rest in the peace and freedom of that reality.

The Blank Slate

As I'm writing this, tears are streaming down my cheeks. I just read the simple introduction of the blog of a friend of mine at the beginning of a new found freedom and love in Jesus and I am undone. 

For years, I've had these plans... these goals that in my mind would be attainable if I just worked a little harder, managed my schedule better. Always falling short. Never to succeed. Not until reading a simple excerpt full of conviction did I even think- even consider surrendering all those seemingly unattainable plans. Write a book, sing on a CD.  Publish a children's book, lose weight, open an art gallery, open a youth camp, join the peace corps. The list goes on and on. The expectations at one time may have been God things, but the God that I serve is into doing new things. WOW. To place everything at His feet and begin again. No expectations. No plans. No deadlines or feelings of failure as I watch unattainable goals pass me around the merry-go-round of my life again and again. 

Its Blank Slate Time. Wow. The thought of it is so very liberating. No expectations. No failures. Just me and God. Amazing...There is so much freedom in that.

 

-Mel

My daily soapbox

Humanity is so oft gripped, and overcome by fear. These fears so easily prevent us from becoming and accomplishing all that we were born for. Too often, we live lives as shadows of what we could be, all the while longing for greatness that seems to never come into the clutches of our grasp… because of fear.

Now, not all fears are irrational. We come to know fear because of experiences that shape who we are and how we see everything around us. The irrationality of fear is recognized when we come to understand our true worth, potential and destiny. Your greatness, when realized, trumps all fear, making it null and void.

Within us all can be birthed or is already present a fledgling desire to thrive. Unless snuffed out or suffocated, there is also a desire to overcome… a desire to attain predestined greatness. If fear continues to rule a life, the potential of greatness inside a soul will scream to be realized everyday of your life until it is active.

The duty that you owe to yourself and to humanity is to face and eradicate your own fears so that you are able to freely walk and thrive in the greatness of your destiny. It is not your duty to emulate the destinies of others.  YOUR personal purpose was meant to be attained so that God can use your life to bless the world.

Face your fears. Kill your fears. Chase your destiny. Change the world.